{"id":1058,"date":"2009-10-23T01:00:31","date_gmt":"2009-10-23T08:00:31","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/x.jimanddoni.com\/?p=1058"},"modified":"2009-10-22T23:36:58","modified_gmt":"2009-10-23T06:36:58","slug":"layers-of-me","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/jimanddoni.com\/?p=1058","title":{"rendered":"Layers of Me"},"content":{"rendered":"

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I love the look of wonder she has on her face that is just so true to form for my bright eyed curious little girl.?? She is so fascinated by life.?? I got a kick out of listening to her belly laughs as Tanner tied a rope to her pink horse ride on and took her for a ride today.?? She loves “birds” (which is quite ironic actually considering my serious distaste for them after growing up on a bird farm).?? She spends a lot of time staring out the windows watching the “birdies” and her fascination is contagious.?? I love to see life through her eyes.?? Isn’t it awesome when your children look upon life differently than you do and they are able to loan you for these brief moments, their visions of the world?<\/p>\n

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Advisory…I am about to drone on in my typical therapeutic fashion.?? I would just look at the pictures today if I were you.?? \ud83d\ude09<\/p>\n

By the end of this weekend I am going to be exhausted.?? I am burning the candle at both ends for the next four days and I am not sleeping well because the Lord and I are talking and I am a jabberbox when I am distressed.?? I go into hyper drive and get seriously amped and the more I try to hush up and stand down – the more I talk.?? Jim and I had a late night discussion on this.???? I feel very safe laying myself open with Jim because I know he will approach what I have said with honesty but he is good at keeping personal judgment out of it.?? He can call something just as it is but not wrap emotions into it.?????? I was telling him how I kept finding myself in “obnoxious” mode this week and was struggling to turn it off.?? Portions of it I can blame on personality type, but underneath it all, I keep diving into the layers of self and peeling all this junk back trying to uproot the mess and the more I do that, the deeper into self I get.?? “Me” simply doesn’t get out of the way.?? I gave several examples of personal poor choices (all having to do with my mouth).?? Not only did Jim shake his head in agreement (because he knew exactly what behaviors I was referring to), but he also added to my list by telling me other Type A personality traits that really annoy the heck out of him.?? I found myself sitting there saying “Yep.?? Uh huh.?? Check.?? Did that.?? Did that one several times.?? I completely resemble that remark.?? Check.?? Check.?? Check. Check.”?? At the end of his diatribe I say “But the weird thing is babe, you married me.?? :)?? In fact, you said one of the things that drew you to me was my “dynamic personality”.?? He simply smiled and agreed.?????? Last night was a really good example of how living loved played out in my marriage.?? I trusted Jim enough to say “let me just tell you all the naughty behaviors I exhibited today”.?? He loved me enough to say “Yes – I agree.?? You can be naughty like that.?? I really love you”.???? And that’s it.?? The talk between the Lord and I took most of the night though because my confession list was long.?? As I said, I kept trying to lay myself bare before the Lord but at every turn, I would realize another flesh motivation underneath every confession.?? We kept digging and digging.?? I would sleep a bit and then wake back up and continue it over and over.?? At about 6:00 AM, I finally had to say “Lord – the problem I am dealing with is that I am still trying to fix me and the fact that I can’t is terrifying.?? I want to just acknowledge my flesh – kick it to the curb and knock these behaviors off but I don’t have the capacity to do this.?? I have the desire but I do not have what it takes to get the job done without there being something else fleshly and false in the “act” of curbing it.?? How do I let Him fix me??? How do I learn to stand down so He can rise out of me so there is no self involved??? I want to be just a moving body for him to breathe through but I don’t know how to give Him the room.?? I am begging Him to stand me down so He can stand up in me in a real and an authentic way.?? I am finding I can’t even be authentic without it still being fleshly motivated.?? Doesn’t that just stink??? I hate to admit it, but I really find myself back at step 1 these days.?? Acknowledging that there is no good in me.?? The problem is, I have lived too long not really really believing that – thinking there was quite a bit salvageable really ;).?? Now that I stare it straight in the face, that same “no good in me” stuff wants to rise up and ground it out which is this vicious cycle because the root of the problem can’t fix the problem and what an absurdity to approach it this way.?? I am not good at being patient though and I don’t know how to physically stop my desperate and feeble attempts and let the Master have “at me” in a real way.?? If you are still reading this…I am a bit baffled by that fact too.?? LOL.?? I just go on and on and on blah blah blah.?? Talk it through – then move on.?????? I need to get some sleep huh?<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I love the look of wonder she has on her face that is just so true to form for my bright eyed curious little girl.?? She is so fascinated by life.?? I got a kick out of listening to her belly laughs as Tanner tied a rope to her pink horse ride on and took […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[55],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-1058","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-mamas-diaries"],"jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/jimanddoni.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1058","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/jimanddoni.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/jimanddoni.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jimanddoni.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jimanddoni.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=1058"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/jimanddoni.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1058\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/jimanddoni.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=1058"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jimanddoni.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=1058"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jimanddoni.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=1058"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}