I approach this posting today with anxiety, grief, and hope…<\/p>\n
The words I need to write I am targeting at myself. It is not my intent to place my convictions upon those around me. I feel that I personally am being called into account and my conscious has been moved to a place of extreme tenderness…so I find I must lay this burden down.<\/p>\n
It is a burden I have been carrying for years. The questions have resurfaced in my heart and mind over and over. I have prayed and asked the Lord to lead me to His truth. Sometimes I get in the way though and it takes me a long time to come to a place of better understanding…especially when such intense desire and emotion are factored in.<\/p>\n
While my heart has been changing on the topic I now tread, the last few weeks have caused me to apply serious evaluation to the issues that have surfaced for me. There are two people in my life – both whom I love deeply who compelled me to go deeper. Both for completely different reasons. Both are precious to me. One is a genetic mother and the other is a snowflake mom. I am priveledged to call them both “friend”.<\/p>\n
The conversation? Invitro fertilization. This is a subject that is going to extend to many many hearts. As you read this, please understand I am talking about my personal journey. It is not my attempt to pour coals upon the heads of those around me. I am writing about this for my own sake.<\/p>\n
For years I have supported invitro fertilization within very specific boundaries. Those boundaries included the following:<\/p>\n
1. Jim and I believed God did not grant us peace to go outside the bounds of marriage in using donor sperm (or egg).
\n2. We believed conception in a petri dish was a medical intervention applied to a medical disability just as chemo is to cancer. This point alone was not an issue for us.
\n3. We believed that any lives conceived, needed to go into my uterus within 24 hours. No growing. We believed “growing” embryos resulted in survival of the fittest and who was to say that the weaker wouldn’t have survived if in the environment God intended…the womb?
\n4. We believed we should only attempt fertilization on the number of eggs that we were willing to be placed in my womb. No embryos would be frozen. No embryos would be discarded. All would be implanted into my womb as soon as possible.
\n5. We did not believe in selective reduction (abortion) of one or more babies in the case of a multiple pregnancy.<\/p>\n
Jim and I prayed and prayed about this decision. We did not feel convicted. We did not feel that God was telling our hearts “No”. Yet we had to acknowledge that our own desires could have drowned out His still small voice so we asked Him to cover us in with grace in case we weren’t hearing Him. We were sincere. We prayed that if we were making a decision that was not honoring Him, that He would intervene in our decision. We did not want to conceive our children through a process that would bring dishonor to God and life. This conversation with God happened in 1998. We underwent invitro and none of my eggs fertilized. We decided to go no further with IVF. Some may wonder if we would have conceived and a child was born if we would have said that was God’s granted approval. I would not say that. I have learned that God’s gifts are all about HIM and not about me. Many people go outside of God’s boundaries of marriage and still enjoy the blessing of children. This is not God’s affirmation that their choice honored Him. Only that He blesses for purposes beyond which I can explain with human reasoning. I believe that “rewards” from God and blessings that extend soley from His grace are two very different things.<\/p>\n
Fast forward eight years to 2005. God has made it very clear to Jim and I that He has called us to stand on behalf of life. Because of this, I feel our accountability to the choices we have made, are making and will make are crucial to our ability to further the cause of Christ as well as this specific cause we believe we were called to. For this reason, I have had to evaluate the IVF issue very closely with great caution. As I am quickly becoming a public spokesperson for the life of human individuals in their earliest stages of development, I cannot afford for there to be any inconsistency in my own life. Jim and I can afford no compromise in this. Too many eyes are watching. Those that would love nothing better than to patronize and discredit our pro-life convictions are waiting for opportunities to proclaim “Hypocrite!”<\/p>\n
This subject has weighed heavier and heavier upon my heart as the years have progressed. Did we do the right thing even in the most protective of boundaries? After careful consideration, I believe Jim and I would not repeat the decision we made even though we believed at the time we were honoring God.<\/p>\n
Here is why:<\/p>\n
First…<\/p>\n
Our Dr. at that time told us that his clinic success rates were 1 in 5. One embryo conceived would survive to term out of 5. His explanation was that all embryos are not capable of survival genetically and not all implant. This happens in natural conception as well. Difference is you don’t realize it because you don’t know fertilization occurs until after implantation. If you lose a life prior to implantation, you will never know it.<\/p>\n
He suggested that since we were not going to freeze or discard, we needed to attempt fertilization on at least 5 to 6 eggs. He did not believe all would fertilize and was confident all would not survive to term. His reason made sense to us. We understood his rationale at the time and agreed that IF all 6 DID conceive all 6 WOULD go in.<\/p>\n
In retrospect, I believe this was very unwise. While statistically the Dr. was correct, it was still possible that 6 would fertilize. It was again possible (but certainely VERY improbable) that all 6 would implant. If that happened, we would have been committed to all 6. We would not have selectively aborted. No…not even to give some a better chance. ESCR argument all over. You don’t kill to heal. IF this unlikely scenario had occured would we have been responsible for putting 6 children at risk because a multiple pregancy of this order is unsafe? My heart tells me the answer is yes. We would have felt responsible for that.<\/p>\n
I remember my mom and I talking about this early on. We were sitting at her kitchen table and I remember telling her “Mom – if 5 or 6 do fertilize I can’t not hope for high order multiples. That would mean disregarding one of their lives. How could I do that? Our Dr. assures us that is incredibly unlikely but what if????” That thought haunted me a long time.<\/p>\n
What if our boundaries would have been even more conservative than they were? What if we would have said you may only attempt on 2 to 3 as we feel confident that IF triplets survived to implantation, they would have a very good chance to survive to birth? In all honesty…our chances would have been considerbly more slim. <\/p>\n
Aside from this, even if our boundaries respected life at EVERY conceivable angle, the industry itself was not limited to our boundaries. Therefore, we were giving money to an industry that would be used to further the technology that we don’t support as life affirming. <\/p>\n
I have struggled with these two points for some time and this weekend my heart couldn’t take it anymore. For a few years I have discussed this with one of my snowsisters:). She and her husband decided against the IVF route entirely for the reasons I have shared. She never condemned me for my 1998 decision but she always quietly and compassionate held her ground. I have great love and respect for her and knowing that she had made a more conservative choice than I made me consider my actions on a different scale.<\/p>\n
This morning, in my kitchen while making Ty’s bottle I felt the sob welling in my throat. Part of my struggle has been in even allowing myself to consider that I may have made a decision that was not honoring to God. Jim and I sincerely wanted to prioritize giving Him glory over all else and the thought the we may have fallen short of the mark has weighed so heavily on me. With many tears I unburdened this ache today. <\/p>\n
In order for me to know in my heart that I have in everything honored Him to the best of my human ability, I could carry this no longer. God has called Jim and I to higher accountability and the IVF industry is something we just can’t in good conscience support. There are too many implications. Too many lives put at risk. Even in the MOST conservative of situations, we were still funding an organization who terminates life as easy as it gives babies opportunity for full term survival.<\/p>\n
The funding point is a difficult one. Could I visit an OBGYN that also performs abortions? Would my dollars also then be funding abortion? This could be taken to the extreme of taxes – when our tax dollars are spent on unethical research and agencies such as Planned Parenthood. Don’t get me wrong, I am not saying that one should not pay taxes;). I am stating that my conservative decision in this has implications that will be personal to each family when considering the funding issue. <\/p>\n
While I do think that there is room to respect life in IVF if practiced in the way I describe, these boundaries would render IVF obsolete anyhow because while I feel these boundaries do respect life, they would give very little opportunity for the desired end of pregnancy. As a result, I find that at the natural end of this conversation, I personally must oppose the practice.<\/p>\n
This posting has NO<\/strong> implications upon embryo adoption though. I stand 100% behind embryo adoption. Yes…technically paying for an embryo adoption is funding an IVF clinic but at this moment I see no other solution and those little ones cannot be left cryopreserved or destroyed. This is not about supporting an industry. This is about giving a newly created person the opportunity to reach their next stage of development. An already existing little person that God breathed life into despite the controversary surrounding that little one’s conception.<\/p>\n On a side note, I want to highlight the conversation that I had with my friend who is a genetic mom with embryos currently cryopreserved. She aches. It breaks her heart when she hears adoptive families talking about rescuing. The thought that her frozen embryos “need” rescuing causes her grief. I listened to her and I need to validate a point she has made. I think it is unfair for me to use the word “rescue” in relation to those embryos who HAVE been placed for adoption because their genetic families did make a loving plan for them just as birthmother’s make a loving plan for born children placed for adoption. I did not “rescue” Tanner or Ty. Their genetic family and birthfamilies loved them enough to make a plan for them. Please remember that there is so much heartache involved for these families. Can I encourage you to offer not only birthmom’s grace but genetic families too? While many genetic families do not agree with my IVF conclusions, there are also many that post cryopreservation have had to rethink the decisions that led them to adoption and they bare much grief. We all need grace. <\/p>\n If someone would have talked to me about this 8 years ago, I don’t know that I would have been able to really hear them. It has taken, several factors of grief, education, influences, and true heart conviction to get to this place and I think people come to places of conviction at different times. When the heart of IVF is simply to achieve pregancy, will many consider me to be ultra legalistic here? Of course. I can only say that I talked to the Lord about this and I feel He, for His purpose in my life, is moving me into a different heart place on this topic.<\/p>\n Throughout the last 16 months of journaling, I have shared my private joys and my private sorrows with you. It makes sense to me to share my failures too. Half a story doesn’t help. For people to trust my heart, they need to see the whole picture. That requires humility on my part (which is hard). You may or may not agree with my end conclusion but I do hope you will understand that this was between the Lord and I and I think He has been laying this burden on my heart for a long time and it was time for me to submit it.<\/p>\n “Father,<\/p>\n How I praise you. How incredible your grace for me. Your love endless and unconditional. Your tenderness unfathomable. Your patience so deep and wide. My heart knew you were calling me into a conversation with you in my kitchen this morning. Lord what an awesome moment between us. Thank you for letting me experience you even when it is in a moment when I am suffering from the shame of my failures. I want to honor you above all else and I hate that I fail you. I especially hate to fail when I am trying so hard not to and then I look back and realize I could have done better. In that moment of my confession this morning, I turned. Everything within me had this sense that you stood right alongside me. Your face was hidden behind the veil from me but every fiber of my being felt your comfort. How incredible to feel your love and reassurance and your incredible forgiveness and grace. Lord I want to stand up for the innoncent yet unborn because I believe you called me to this but more than that I want to stand for YOU. You are my first cause. Let all of me be because of you and for you. Give me the strength and courage to be what you have called me to be and do what you have called me to do. Please expose any area in my life that is not pleasing to you and convict my heart so strongly that I can’t raise from my knees until I have confessed. In this moment, all I want to do is praise you. I ache for that moment when I will stand with your other children before your throne giving you all the praise. You will end our struggling and our suffering and perfect us into your image. I feel desperate for that. <\/p>\n Thank you for sending both mom’s to talk to me. They had things to say that I believe you inspired. Both of conviction and of much needed grace. <\/p>\n