Lately when I have been talking or writing about my little high maintenance boy, I have been concerned that my emotions aren’t presenting accurately. Yes Ty is hard work for various reasons BUT he is also my joy. He has these eyes that you get lost in and to look at him makes your heart swell with love. He is wonderfully determined, and he actually listens really well, he loves people more than things, he loves interaction and he wants you to notice all the things he does well, he has a sensitive side to him to. He loves to laugh and is a very very happy little guy. He doesn’t cry much but he is a screamer. He simply raises his voice loud enough to shake the house off the foundations when somebody is not doing what he wants, when he wants, how he wants – he is at the demanding age and he would rule as supreme monarch if anyone let him (which we do NOT). He is powerful by personality and I think his blend of confidence, determination and sensitivity is going to generate a man like few have known…if he grows up and allows God to own His heart. My heart is counting on that. That is my prayer for both my boys every day.<\/p>\n
And Tanner? My heart smiles every morning to look upon his face. Tanner who has such a sensitive spirit but a secure nature. Tanner who is quite shy but who loves people. Tanner who is displaying a heart for God at only 4. He is kind, obedient (VERY obedient), full of life and love, tireless in play (just like his daddy), very good strategist, likes order and to be prepared, prefers the calm instead of the chaos, quite stubborn, very secure in who he is and able to give. <\/p>\n
Over the last several weeks I have had this resurfacing thought. Many people that have been in my situation, wouldn’t say what I am about to. Even Jim would not. It’s a matter of perspective and mine is probably not the norm. Here it is:<\/p>\n
Infertility is one of the very greatest blessings of my life.<\/strong><\/p>\n I said this to Jim one day and he wasn’t able to word it that way. While he agrees that God brought about the greatest blessings of our life THROUGH infertility, infertility itself contained too much pain and heartache to call IT a blessing.<\/p>\n For me though, the benefits outweigh the heartache by so much that I bear no anomyosity towards the word anymore. In my heart, it is a title I can wear proudly, like a battle scar that gained me much, that freed me.<\/p>\n Tanner and Ty are the most obvious gifts of infertility but there are others. Here is a short non exhaustive list:<\/p>\n 1. I gained precious friends who I would not have been able to bond to in the same way otherwise. It is as though I was handed this really ugly present handwrapped in brown wrinkled paper. Layer after layer the ugliness continued and I wondered why a God that loved me would have invested so little in this gift. Each ugly box contained another ugly box within. Each held sorrow, grief, and disappointment. The smaller box within should have held hope but with each disappointment, the boxes began to taunt me. There would be nothing but grief within. After many rounds of this, I unburied a teeny tiny box just as ugly as the rest. When I opened it though…there was a treasure deep. A jewel so bright it’s light could have only come from the hand of the eternal one. <\/p>\n The best part about this treasure is that it taught me to look at ugly brown boxes differently. I approach them with hesitancy because I know they WILL contain heartache. I also have learned that God does not pack boxes in brown paper if they don’t have a treasure deep within. <\/p>\n God…I stand in awe of you.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Lately when I have been talking or writing about my little high maintenance boy, I have been concerned that my emotions aren’t presenting accurately. Yes Ty is hard work for various reasons BUT he is also my joy. He has these eyes that you get lost in and to look at him makes your heart […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[55],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-270","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-mamas-diaries"],"jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/jimanddoni.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/270","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/jimanddoni.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/jimanddoni.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jimanddoni.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jimanddoni.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=270"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/jimanddoni.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/270\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/jimanddoni.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=270"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jimanddoni.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=270"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jimanddoni.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=270"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}
\n2. I learned mountains of lessons about sovereignty
\n3. God took from me what I thought I wanted the most, to give to me what I needed the most..and He was right.
\n4. All the losses ripped my heart apart but it taught me about grief and compassion. Lessons that were very necessary for my spiritual growth.
\n5. It was good for my marriage. Jim really IS my knight in shining armor. He had to learn how to comfort when he could not fix. I had to learn to grieve and still give. We are a much stronger unit because of suffering together.
\n6. God used infertility to create a platform for ministry. I have been able to serve Him BETTER because of the heartache. He has allowed me the opportunity to minister through crisis pregnancy counseling, speaking to birthmom’s, speaking to potential adoptive families, and I have had the rare priveledge of speaking up for life on the world’s stage. I would not have had these opportunities had God not prepared me in the way that He did.
\n7. God removed from the opportunity for physical reproduction but still allowed me to contribute to spiritual reproduction with my children – which is by far the more precious gift. To be allowed even a small part in the spiritual path that my children take is an honor. <\/p>\n