I start this post with a sigh. The post contains good news but frankly it doesn’t feel that way. So far, the biopsy did not reveal any cancer or pre cancer cells. I was expecting that news and was also glad to hear it.<\/p>\n
The not good news is that the biopsy revealed that my uterine lining is in the process of breaking down. My hormones are “off” and are a major contributor to this. The Dr. said it could be a result of my endometreosis or it could be the start of premature ovarian failure. He said (a) it WOULD continue to worsen and (b) I WILL have a hysterectomy at some point because I will be miserable if I don’t. He wants me to do it NOW. He thinks I have (as I have said 100 times now) too many risk factors and since this situation isn’t going to improve the only question that remains is how long I want to stay miserable (and how long I was to wait all the while increasing my cancer risks). <\/p>\n
I could deal with the physical symptoms but the emotional ones are wearing me out. When you feel “off” and weepy for 3 out of 4 weeks, overly tired, short fused, and mildly depressed for no outward reason….it wears on you. This has been going on for over a year and it just continues to get worse not better. I could try going on hormone therapy first but have decided NOT to do that. Bottom line is it would put me in the “birth control” situation and I would have to monitor my cycles and I am NOT about to add that kind of stress and grief to my life at this stage. No way. (If you don’t know what I am talking about, refer to my reference pages under Choose Life on birth control from my Home page)<\/p>\n
I have written about 50 pro and con lists in my head and talked this over with my family and my husband, and everyone is in very solid agreement that a hysterectomy is the best course for me. Understand that this issue is not new to the females in my family. They have all “been there done that” and they know where it leads and where I don’t want to go. Sounds simple….but it isn’t.<\/p>\n
I cried and cried to Jim one night about this. Usually I am such a rational person. I weigh issues out and the most rational and reasonable argument wins. For some reason, that is not working for me right now. The balance has been weighed and one side clearly outweighs the other but still…there is grief for me. It isn’t even a grief I can really explain. I do have some valid concerns and fears but they don’t outweigh the factors suggesting a H. is the best option.<\/p>\n
Jim finally say’s “Honey. Have you ever known a schizophrenic to check themselves into a clinic?” I say “Jim what is your point?” (all the while knowing full well what his point was). He say’s “If you are struggling with your hormones being out of whack, and you are more emotional, how can you be trusted to make a non emotional decision?” That was soooooo Jim. I just layed there grinning because it was such a predictable response. And yes…I do get his point and maybe the very problem I am having is the same thing preventing me from making this decision….everything is just cloudy for me right now.<\/p>\n
At this point I know what makes sense to do but I am just not able to committ to it yet. I am just praying that God will bring me peace about a decision one way or the other. At this point, neither option is giving me peace. I don’t know what to do and thinking about it is just making it worse. I am a major cry baby at the moment. I had to ask Aimee a question today about Zandi’s 3 year old pictures and by the time I was in her room sitting on her bed I said, “Before I ask you my question can we just sit here and cry for a little while?” Aimee wanted to know what we were crying about. I told her “nothing”. Only a woman would understand that answer.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
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