{"id":849,"date":"2008-12-18T01:00:41","date_gmt":"2008-12-18T08:00:41","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/x.jimanddoni.com\/?p=849"},"modified":"2008-12-17T23:25:01","modified_gmt":"2008-12-18T06:25:01","slug":"hundreds-of-tears","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/jimanddoni.com\/?p=849","title":{"rendered":"Hundreds of Tears"},"content":{"rendered":"

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***Trying more tomorrow…wish me luck.<\/p>\n

**************************<\/p>\n

All went well at Tori’s cardiologist appointment today.?? Her murmur is gone.?? Her Dr. wants to do an ECHO in a year to confirm for certain that the hole in her heart is closed but he told us we have nothing to worry about right now.?? She weighed 16 pounds 9 ounces and was 27.75 inches long (10 months).<\/p>\n

I hate being at Phoenix Children’s Hospital.?? Before Ty was ever born, I didn’t even like to look at the colorful building while driving down the freeway.?? It represented too much sadness.?? Post Ty, that feeling has intensified dramatically.?? Between Ty and Tori, it feels we have seen every kind of specialist there – cardiologist, pulminologist, neuroligist, gastrointernologist, orthopedic, opthamologist.?? They did have free valet parking there now which was nice especially considering my excursion is a high profile vehicle that won’t fit in their garage.<\/p>\n

While mom and I were waiting to be picked up, the inevitable happened.?? We were standing next to a family, that, by appearances, had just received news they were hoping not to hear.?? If I were to guess, it seemed those in attendance were mom and dad and then one set of grandparents with newborn baby.?? The grandfather said “(Sigh)..Well it wasn’t the great news we were hoping for but it’s not all bad.”?? The mom then turns her head into her husbands shoulder and silent tears start pouring.?? It was all I could do to keep from joining the hug and I didn’t even know what they were crying about.?? I didn’t even want to guess.?? When I got in the car, both??Mom and I were silent.?? When our eyes met, we were unsurprised to see that we both were about to lose it.?? Mom said “We have been there”.?? Mentally I starting reviewing the times that I heard “the worst” from a Dr.?? “INFERTILITY” – “The baby may not make it” – “You have miscarried” – “Your baby has brain hemorrages” – “Your baby will probably have CP” – “Ty has PVL”.?? So many statements that I didn’t want to hear flooded through my mind.<\/p>\n

After I dropped off mom, a song came up on the CD that I had burned for our trip.?? It’s an oldie but one that I always loved.?? I have the Susan Ashton version but it was originally (I think) recorded by Sheryl Crow.?? (You can hear it on You Tube if you want).<\/p>\n

Hundreds of Tears – Sheryl Crow<\/strong><\/p>\n

I stood in the warmth of night
\nChilled to the bone
\nHundreds of faces in sight
\nStill I’m alone
\nDoor after door
\nRoom after empty room
\nI’ve stood here before
\nBut under a different moon
\nIn the longest days, in the darkest night
\nDown the longest road, there’s a presence
\nof light
\nBut I hear a voice that calls me
\nIt’s love’s name I’ll call in the end
\nI’ve walked in and out of the fire
\nBetween truth and lies
\nNow how many children watch
\nWhile one child cries
\nTear down these walls
\nAnd watch while our souls are freed
\nI’ve thrown away pride
\nTo drown in this endless sea
\nHundreds of tears on the water
\nMercy come rain down on me<\/p>\n

Seemed an appropriate song after visiting PCH.?? Those last two lines repeat over and over and I found myself not singing them but praying them.?? Not for me today though – for another woman I love with all my heart.?? She got heartbreaking news yesterday and the Lord and I needed to have a good long chat about it because there were elements involved that made no sense at all.?? She and I had a talk on Sunday…a hope talk.?? I told her about a dream I had and we both wanted it to be true.?? To have it all crash down in 24 hours left me asking a lot of questions.?? They all started with “Why did you….???”?? I hate it when I subtely (and not so subtley) accuse God of stuff.?? He often does things in such a way that make little to no sense to my way of thinking and instead of keeping my mouth shut and embracing “God is good all the time”, I immediately start in telling Him how unhappy I am with the choice He made.?? Sigh….?? When ever will I learn??? Is He “big” enough for it??? Yes but that isn’t the point.?? Questioning the one who loves me moves me out of a “living loved” place.?? The real accusation is “God you are not being loving”.?? Is He or isn’t He??? As mom said in the car…”sometimes you just have to trust His heart when you can’t trace His hand”.????<\/p>\n

God is good or He isn’t God.?? It can’t be any other way.?? If you can’t trust what He says about himself than He isn’t who He says.?? Simple really.?? God is God.?? God is good.?? I am not God and not good either.?? I have??no idea what He is really doing because I see through the glass dimly.?? How dare I then make judgements?????He embraces me still.??<\/p>\n

Pray for my loved one.?? I know I am being beyond sketchy but it isn’t my story to tell.?? I have been where she is at though and “hundreds of tears” sums it up pretty good.?? Pray that mercy rains down on her – it is love’s name that she’ll call in the end – she knows “Him” personally.?? He already started runnin’.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

***Trying more tomorrow…wish me luck. ************************** All went well at Tori’s cardiologist appointment today.?? Her murmur is gone.?? Her Dr. wants to do an ECHO in a year to confirm for certain that the hole in her heart is closed but he told us we have nothing to worry about right now.?? She weighed 16 […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[55],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-849","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-mamas-diaries"],"jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/jimanddoni.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/849","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/jimanddoni.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/jimanddoni.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jimanddoni.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jimanddoni.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=849"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/jimanddoni.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/849\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/jimanddoni.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=849"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jimanddoni.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=849"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jimanddoni.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=849"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}