Do you count yourself as one who will lovingly and with courage stand up in defense of the “least of these”? If so, I am going to give you an opportunity to “stand up”.
When I was training to be a crisis pregnancy counselor, one principle took root in my heart. I was taught that if you love preborns and want to help them, then you must love mommies as well. In my experience, I often see people talk about the horrors of abortion and the beauty of adoption but than they turn around and lobby intense critisism at birth mothers. This is heart breaking to me.
This week, Amanda posted a comment on my “Lil Bit Country…” posting. Within her comment she said “…I tell my friends all the time about what happened in my case and they do not see the good in it, but I do. I know that Jim and Doni were the right ones to raise Ty,… “.
I don’t think people realize how much social pressure birthmothers have to confront. Our culture is very anti-adoption. Birthmothers are often victims to some of the cruelest comments imaginable. Why is this? Imagine it….the family that gets the entire BLESSING of baby is praised…the family that sacrifices out of love is scorned. That is absolutely tragic irony!
Jamie (an adoptee) and Amanda (Ty’s birthmom) have both talked to me about the hurtful things that have been said to them. Jamie has been told that adopted children were babies that no one wanted and they should have just been aborted. Jamie was told by a teacher this year that “adoption is wrong” (yes she is Pro Choice). Amanda has been told that she should have aborted Ty. She has been told that Ty was “her problem” and that she “passed her problem” onto someone else. (You can imagine what I think about THAT!) She has continually had to defend herself in regards to “how she could have given her baby away”. When I hear these things, they make me ache inside. How I wish that I could stand in front of these girls and let people know that before they open their mouth, they will have to get through me first and I am quite a force to be reckoned with on this subject.
I can’t protect them from this though. The world is cruel and I am not surprised that those that should be honored are beaten down. There is one little thing that I can do though. My circle of precious family and friends are ready willing and anxious to stand behind Amanda and other women who have made a courageous choice for adoption. I know that many of them would be willing to take a stand against these abuses and rally with support. If we as a culture do not stand up and defend life and love, we must own the consequences for our apathy. When we rally in love behind women who are faced with such a heart wrenching decision, we are contributing to building a new culture that embraces life.
Friends? Hear me calling to you? If you feel moved to write your own little note of affirmation to Amanda, please post your comment to Amanda on this posting. If you are a family member or friend who realizes the blessing of Ty in your own life, take a moment to let her know how her love has blessed us all. While we cannot take away the hurtful things said, we can reach out with love across the miles to honor someone who made a life altering choice out of love for someone else. Thank you for loving “our” Amanda and all the other birthmothers who frequent this site. They need our love, support, admiration, and affirmation. Will you help me love them?
Dear Amanda,
I know that reading these postings is hard some days and that you only “pop in” once in awhile…but since you’ve been making your presence known this week LOL…I thought I would write a little note to you:)
Someday I would love it if you would write out YOUR story for me to post. I think it is awesome for people to get to hear both of our hearts on this subject. I know it would be a very emotional story and difficult to write…especially now while you are grieving. There is so much beauty in it though. As much as we hate for you to suffer, we know that a person can’t make a sacrifice so huge without suffering. Great love and great sacrifice always go hand in hand. My parents always taught us that love is doing the best for someone else IRREGARDLESS of the cost to yourself. I think your example of love is one of the most profound most people would ever witness. You might just change the world more than you think:).
In reading your comments on the “Lil Bit Country…” posting (and from talking to your mom), I realize that you have had to deal with tremendous pressure and hurtful comments from other people lately. The protector in me wants to go find these people and give them a good shaking! For fear of my temper getting the best of me, I’ll just leave it at that for the moment (but believe me I have a TON of things to say on THIS subject).
HOWEVER, there is a little something I can do to counter the hurtful things that have been said in regards to adoption. There are many people that read these postings who understand adoption and the sacrfice involved. I think THEY would love to have the opportunity to write a note to a birthmom detailing what they think of her incredible gift. These are the people who DO know what they are talking about and they are reaching across the miles to hug you even now. I also have great hope in this. Someday when Ty is old enough to understand this, I am convinced that he will have the ability to counter every hurtful thing ever said…when he looks in your eyes and say’s “Thank You”.
I love you,
Doni
64 responses to “Love Letters to a Birthmom”
:)Great minds do think alike…that gives me the goosebumps.LOL
I did think about you and Jim also..so sorry I didn’t mention that!!! SO glad to here that will be Ty’s song 🙂 God is Good 🙂 Ok..enough with the smiley faces..just can’t get this grin off my face.
XOXO
Amanda,
You have shown courage and wisdom beyond your years. When most choose to go the “easy” way, you took a stand and chose to do what is right in the Lord’s eyes. Your sensitive spirit to the Lord’s will has allowed you to become a positive role model not only to young girls who have or will experience what you have but also to every single person who hears your story about the Christ-like love and sacrifice you have demonstrated. David and I are totally amazed at your maturity and willingness to stand for what is right even when others don’t agree. We truly deeply love you and your wonderful personality. God chose a perfect match. He always works things together so much more perfectly than we could ever imagine. Thank you for being an inspiration and impacting our lives.
David & Aimee
Dearest Amanda,
In a world gone crazy, where material things are most important, and we are chasing the clock in order to attain just those things, you have decided to walk down the path where the spirit is more important.
Amanda, you epitomise what life is about; love, sacrifice, spiritual strength, and walking in the footsteps of God.
The people that are cruel to you have no idea about spiritual strength, they are too busy drowning in their material world.
The strong people (like yourself) who have ignored the easy way out (and less painful) and have found their way to live the true life are a threat to people whose value is determined by the attainment of superfecial and non fulfilling material objects.
You have touched people the world over. (I am from Greece).
Amanda,
Wow have you just been in awh at the wonderful words everbody has said to remind you what a beautiful person you are or what? I myself haven’t had any less than a thousand tears reading through these, Doni and you have some pretty awesome friends and family. By the way in one of the posts someone said that you were beautiful and were they ever right you have such a sparkle to your eyes and a sweet smile and AWESOME hair I should get the name of your hair dresser!! Well ok there isn’t much else to say because I trully think everybody has each said something so special that has been in just the right words. You know that you haved changed lives forever and I know that ,that was and still is a dream of mine. To one day know that it was bacause of a decision that I had made, that made a difference in someone elses life THAT IS BIG! Always hold that in yor heart and know that you are loved (thats obvious) and you will be carried throughout your life. I dont worry about you too much because I know that you have allready proven you are not a follower and that you are a leader so we all know that you will stand stong against those that may think they are strong, but that are very weak, ask them if they have ever been able to say that they have ever made such a life changing difference in someones life! Amanda, you have made that difference! Thank you for being an awesome example to all of us you have amazing courage and love in your heart!
Keep on changing lives one at a time~~Shayla~~
Hello Amanda this is Shayla again, my daughter was touched by this story and asked if she also could write to you. So here goes… a great perspective from a sweet and innocent 8 year old mind. In her own words………………
Dear Amanda,
I am 8 years old. My name is Kaustin and my mom is Shayla I was reading what she wrote and I wanted to write to you to. I think it was good that you gave Ty up for adoption because I used to think that kids that had been adopted that their (birth) parents didn’t love them, I now know thats not true you had to love your baby alot to give him up for adoption. I hope when I grow up I can be as nice as you. I think that what you did is good because I wouldn’t have my 6 cousins if it wasn’t for adoption. So thanx Amanda for making the Brinkmans family complete. Love Kaustin
Amanda,
I have not met you yet, but I have known you through Doni and this web sight since before Ty was born. I am Sarah’s sister. I too want you to know what a beautiful sacrifice you made. It has always been in God’s plan for Ty and you to be in this family. Ty will always be a part of you. Nothing will ever change that. Stay in God’s love and know that what you did was right for you and Ty. He has blessed this family and so have you. We love you. Someday, I want to meet you. In Christ’s love, Barbara
Dear Amanda,
I do not usually post on mesage boards but after reading Doni’s post I had to comment. When I was 17 i became pregnant by what i thought was my soul mate. I was extremely excited to be having a baby and made all sorts of plans. Then I woke up one morning and thought to myself what can I give this child right now. My answer….nothing, i had no education high school or otherwise and worked at a pizza delievery place on minimum wage in an apartment that was not suitable to raise a baby. That morning i picked up the paper as I normally do and saw an ad for a couple who was looking to adopt an infant. I thought I would call and see how I felt after talking to them. I felt great and within two weeks had decided that this couple was meant to raise my child. I did not meet them face to face until my son was born 3 months later but we talked on the phone twice a week. I thought they were great. During this time the clinic I was going to required that I see a therapist since I was single and Pregnant. The therapist told me what I was doing was selling my child on the black market since I chose to do an open adoption. I remember leaving the office and tears and going home to call the adoptive parents. They were very supportive and got me in touch with another therapist who did not share that view. When I had my son and called them to fly in (they were in another state) I was nervous about meeting them for the first time. I remember the room door opening and this big bunch of balloons and flowers came in the door. I couldn’t even see who was behind them. It was my son’s parents and we started talking. I couldn’t believe how nice they were, even though I had talked to them over the phone I couldn’t see their faces so could not really tell much. I was very comfortable signing the papers so they could take our son home with them. They stayed a few days so I could see him one more time before they left and get pictures taken. He knows who I am and eventually if he wants to meet me in eprson he will be allowed to. That was almost 12 years ago now, and today I have two more sons a 7 year old and a six month old which i love to pieces. My dad asked me once if I regreted giving my oldest up for adoption and I didn’t even have to think twice about it, I would not be where i am today if I had kept him. I beleive I am much mroe mature and I got my G.E.D. and paid my way through college on scholarships, none of which would have happened if I had not chosen to let a derserving couple become his parents. This is much longer than I expeted, but i wanted you to know that you did what was best for Ty and yourself. I once had to remind my dad that a child is not a mistake or a problem a child is a gift whether he is with his birth parents or Parent’s in Heart.
Gini, Thanks for much for having the courage to share your story. What an encouragement that will be for our Amanda. God is so good and makes some pretty amazing beauty come from great sorrow. I’m thankful you had the chance to share your story with us and am proud of you too for your great courage! All my love in Christ,
Aunt Beck
Amanda,
I am a birthmother myself and I can totally understand the hurtful comments of other people. I have gotten comments like that numerous times and it can be hurtful.
Right after I placed my son (3 years ago) my friends tried to be supportive but I just distanced myself because it was easier to do that since they really didn’t understand. I really needed someone who understood, someone who had been in my shoes. I stumbled across an “Is anyone out there post” written by another birthmother who had just placed her child 4 day before mine. We became friends and got through the hard times together.
We decided that we didn’t want other birthmoms to be alone and not have anyone who understood. So we created BirthMom Buds, a non profit org and website for birthmom support.
I invite you, Amanda, to check out our site at http://www.birthmombuds.com There you will find other birthmoms and women just like you! I know it won’t ease the pain in your heart but I think knowing there are others who understand helps.
You’re a amazing for giving the gift of life. Always remember that!
~Coley
Amanda,
You are a beautiful and amazing woman! You are admired, respected, and loved by people around the world. Isn’t it incredible to see how many people’s lives you have touched?! You have blessed the Brinkman’s with an unbelievable gift of love and sacrifice. Ty is a very lucky little boy to have so much love surrounding him! I hope you never ever forget what a special person you are. I admire you so much!! Thank you for letting all of us share in the joy of Ty’s life. I know many of us feel as though we know and love this whole family even though we have never met any of you. Without your choice of love, none of us would know Ty at all. You are a true gift Amanda!!!
Jill
amanda,
i had the most wonderful gift given to me just about a 1.5 weeks ago… i got to stay the night at the brinkman house! i was able to hug on my nephews, tanner & ty, and watch my son enjoy playing with his cousins. what an incredible gift. part of this joy was thanks to you. 🙂 your gift of life was a gift to us and we are thankful. i only wish there would have been enough time in our visit to meet you face to face.
i can imagine our meeting with you after having more time to know ty. you gave some of the most amazing qualities to ty – he is happy, confident, determined, silly (my face got covered in showers from his rasberries! hee hee!), happy, beautiful, and i saw just a taste of the wonderful girl we’ve grown to love, amanda, through his eyes. i feel even more endeared to you after having time to grow in love with ty.
i want to add one other perspective to my note… i’m thankful that you (and your family) have adopted the brinkman’s and zimmerman’s just as much as they have adopted ty and your family. i’m so glad to know that you have so much room in your heart to love and extend your family to be even greater! you are offering lots of love and heart to those brinkman boys and their relationship with you is a gift they’ll cherish for years to come.
we love you.
i have 2 children and im only 21 i give u alot of credit on everything u do and i want you to know i think u are an amazing person!!
Amanda, Darin and I want you to know that we think that you are an amazing person. Ty is such an incredible blessing to this family. Everytime I see him I am overwhelmed with admiration and respect for you. Your decision showed faith and maturity beyond your years. You are an amazing example to us all.
We love you very much and are praying for you daily.
Amanda,
I have celebrated mothers day with my mom for 16 years now. What my birthmom would be doing on this day has not once come across my mind until I met you. All I ever knew about my birthmom was that she was a strong woman to give up a baby that she carried for 9 months. When I met you it finally hit me how incredibly strong birthmothers truly are. On this day that we celebrate our moms you need to understand a few things from and adoptees view. When I was younger it never sank in that I had a whole nother person celebrating this day with out one of her children with her. My story is a little bit different from yours because I never got the oppertunity to form a reletionship with my birthmom. Amanda, I am probably one of the only people who will be able to tell you how amazing you are to give up your child because you love them. I never got to meet Kristen, my birthmom, but I know deep down that she loved me. I know that simply because she gave me to the most perfect family I could ever ask for. Kristen knew that she couldn’t give me the encouraging, sports loving, supportive father that I need. The father that seems strick on the out side, but is a true softy on the inside, who would do anything or kill anyone who hurt me. The same father who has listened to my wining and cleaned up after me when I had the flu. She also knew that eventhough she would be a loving mother that she could never come close to the amazing, loving , goofy, drop dead gorgious mother that I have. The same mother who has spent numerous nights staying awake with me just talking about life. See, no one will understand the true sacrifices that a birthmom, like you have made. And no one will understand the true thankful- ness that adoptees, like me, have toward the strong women who take in the role of birthmothers. You, Kristen, and so many other women have given the most amount of love by giving children to the families that desperatly want them. No one will ever understand. Though I am here to tell you I finally understand, and in time Ty will understand how much you love him. He will also understand he has more love than any other kid around him. You need to understand that I LOVE YOU!!!!! I will always love you becasue you have made a tough decision when most girls would find the easy way out. So I wish you a Happy Birthmothers Day.
Love with all my heart,
Jamie DeAnn
(Note from Doni: If anyone is curious, yes this is MY Jamie…my Aunt Beck is her mama).