Over the last several months, I have been asked repeatedly ???Why don???t you ask WHY???? Why infertility? Why the loss of 10 children? Why a baby born at 25 weeks? Why why why why why????
I wanted to take a few moments to write about this as it has been on my heart lately. First, it is important to realize that most of my ???web readers??? have only been following our story since January when Ty was born. By the time our little miracle arrived so prematurely, Jim and I had already had several years walking the road of suffering and had learned much on that journey. It no longer occurred to us to ask that question. In the preceding years we had learned that ???Why???? is the wrong question.
The better question is ???For what purpose????. I learned this from a book I read (Holding on To Hope ??? posted link in the right column). The author had lost two children to genetic disorders and wrote a book on the life of Job. I read this book twice during my many miscarriages.
Throughout the last few years I have learned that the motive of God???s heart is love. When He allows sorrow into my life, that decision was motivated by His love. For those suffering, that statement can sometimes feel appalling. For a mother who has just lost her child, the thought that God called her little one home in an act of great love seems incredibly contradictory and unjust. I cannot explain the ???why???s??? in this equation. I don???t know why God gives permission to some of our pain and calls it good. Often it doesn???t ???feel??? good. I do know that God???s plan was immortality???no death, no sorrow. When sin entered into the equation, sorrow entered also. Sin in our world has consequence and it rains on the just and the unjust alike. I often think that even different than ???For what purpose????, it also would be meaningful and relevant to say ???Why not????. What qualifies me to be a person deserving of less suffering than someone else? This is the proverbial ???Why does God allow bad things to happen to good people????.
While God???s plan ULTIMATELY does not include suffering (ie. Heaven), suffering is definitely part of His plan right now.
Hebrews 5:8-9 say???s (NIV): ???Although he was a son, he learned obedience from what he suffered and, once made perfect, he became the source of eternal salvation for all who obey him.???
That verse captured my heart last week! We already know that suffering was part of God???s plan for Jesus. That was very evident. What is awesome to me about that verse is that first, Jesus learned obedience through suffering and suffering perfected the work of God. (Note: This isn???t to say Jesus was made perfect through suffering as if to say he wasn???t already perfect ??? He was. It is saying that God???s plan of salvation was made perfect through suffering.)
This then makes suffering an honor for me. God did not spare even His own son from this. I do not question God???s love for Jesus. Did Jesus ask ???Why????? No. He did ask God to remove the suffering though if God???s plan could still be accomplished without it. The answer to Jesus was ???No???. Suffering WAS required for God???s plan to be made perfect.
Do I believe that suffering has helped refine me into a more obedient child of God? Yes. Do I believe that I have matured in Christ BECAUSE of suffering? Yes. Do I believe that suffering is a CRITICAL element in my growth and in refining me into a woman that seeks the heart of God? Oh yes yes yes!!!
Am I being a martyr here?J Nope. I wouldn???t have been brave enough to raise my hand and volunteer I am afraidJ. Still though, I look back with a grateful heart. Yes even at the death of my babies. I can???t explain entirely why they had to die. I never will. I can say though that by their death I came to a better understanding of God and His goodness and what it meant for me to surrender to His choice. My ???Why???s??? turned into ???For what purpose??? and by the time Ty was born, there was no bitterness or anger left. I had already battled those things with my losses before and God called my heart to submit to Him???submit without knowing the answers. Trusting in what I did not understand and could not see.
If you have been following my journal long, you already know that I am a pretty black and white chic. When it comes to my relationship with Jesus, I only see two choices. Follow completely or disobey completely. (Of course, I am not perfect in following ??? not even close. I am only speaking to condition of the heart). I remember when I was in Junior High the time came in my life when I had to really choose for myself. Did I believe I had been taught truth? I studied on my own and I read the bible through in its entirety for the first time. During that year I realized that I was not capable of ???halfway??? behavior. It would be all or nothing. If it was going to be ???all??? than there would never be any turning back. Ultimately, I choose ???all???. I have never gone back and I never will. I have banked it all on the truth written in His word. I have chosen to believe even when I don???t understand.
At this point in my life, it doesn???t really ???matter??? if I ???get it??? or I don???t. It doesn???t change truth. God is good. God???s motive is love. God is using suffering to perfect me into an image of Christ. He is allowing suffering to teach me obedience. I choose to accept that even though often times I can???t say I enjoy it one bitJ. I am learning to consider it a great honor though. During times of suffering I have an unparalleled opportunity to say to the King of my salvation, ???I will choose you though you slay me???. It doesn???t have the same level of sincerity to say this to Daddy God from a place of joy and blessing. When we have the opportunity to say it during the low points of life???that is when the gift of our belief is the most sincere. If I have banked my whole life upon these truths, doesn???t it only make sense that I would consider it a privilege to give this gift of belief?
Jesus sweat blood in the garden. I think that tells us that he was not real excited about suffering either. Still He obeyed and submitted his life. The cost was great. He was the only one that could have made a way for us to enter heaven though. Scripture is very clear on that. (I will write more on that topic this month). The greatest gifts ever given to me came at a great price. First and greatest, my salvation???.Christ bought me with His life. Second, my children. Two other families gave incredible gifts of love to us (Tanner and Ty) at GREAT GREAT cost to themselves. Having been on the receiving end of the price of suffering, having received the incredible gifts that suffering purchased, I see suffering differently. The price of suffering contributes exponentially to the beauty of the gift. For this reason, I do not want to ask ???why????.
Wrap your heart around the ???truth??? of suffering this Christmas season. You will see Jesus with brand new eyes.