Before I start this I want to return to the kitty versus puppy discussion.? In the case of Asperger?s syndrome, the typical personality of an ?Aspie? is like one of the kitty cat.? They tend to be socially aloof.? Reserved.? Seemingly anti-social resorting to their own private places and avoiding people.? They tend to under express (or speak monotone).

 

This is not Ty.? My friend Liza said this about it in a recent discussion:

 

I think I know what you mean when you say that maybe the puppy personality is the flip side of the kitty, but both have the same factors perhaps behind them.? I guess I would describe it that both can be a symptom of a lack of social awareness, which is certainly an Asperger’s trait.? It is great to be a puppy and be all affectionate and loving, but if it is done without a sense of what the other person might want or be comfortable with, maybe it can be just as socially off-key as the aloof cat-like reserve.

 

Well said.? I suspect that both behaviors, both that of kitty and that of puppy originate from the same place.? It seems though that the puppy is just an atypical expression of a social disorder.

 

So how is Ty like a puppy as opposed to a cat in social situations?

 

He loves to interact with people.? He loves to talk talk talk.? He loves to hug ? to give and receive affection.

 

On the outside it appears that Ty is very social.? He IS social.? But he is not socially aware and he socializes entirely on his terms.

 

In the first place, while he does love to socialize, he is quite specific about WHAT the socialization is centered upon. If what is being discussed is not part of or is unrelated to his areas of special interest, he is disinterested in the conversation.? He will do his very best to draw you in to discussions relating to his areas of special interest.? If you don?t engage, he will get bored and wander off.? This is why adults and small children will hold his attention for longer than his peers.? An adult or a little kid will indulge Ty?s need longer than his peers will.

 

In the second place, Ty cannot fake interest in your end of the conversation (unless, again, you are talking about his special interests).? It is comical to me the way he tries to divert me back to his topic (sometimes it?s comical ? sometimes it is down right aggravating).?? It sounds harsh to say Ty is just generally disinterested in what you want to talk about, your feelings, or your thoughts but that is the truth.? Again, it doesn?t come from a selfish narcissistic place.??? This is the result of a social disorder.

 

Here are some examples:

 

School can be hard for Ty.? He has been diagnosed with ADHD and I think that is an accurate diagnosis, but again, ADHD is a co-morbid condition alongside other spectrum disorders and there is a reason for that.? Yes Ty has short attention.? Partly because he only has an attention span for his narrow list of interests therefore anything outside of that cannot compete for attention.? When I read bible in the morning, Ty mentally wanders.? Rarely can he repeat anything I said.? This is not a reading comprehension issue.? It may not even be an auditory issue.? I suspect it is because I am not talking about anything that Ty?s brain wants to focus on therefore he struggles to do that.? My solution is often to go make him read it by himself.? Even then, he will retain the information if he got something out of it (like it made him laugh) ? otherwise he will still struggle to spit it back out.?? Every day during school I must say 25 times ?Ty we are not talking about that right now.?? This because when I ask Ty a question related to school, he replies back with a diversion.

 

Me:? Ty what was today?s story about?

 

Ty:? Uh mommy.? Am I going to be able to play Xbox after lunch today?

 

Me:? Ty answer my question.? We are not talking about Xbox right now.

 

Over and over and over.?? In my research, I have discovered that when children with certain spectrum disorders are confused by a question, stressed, disinterested, etc?they will avoid or change subjects redirecting to a safe topic that they are comfortable with.?? Wow did the lights go on when I read that because Ty does this all the time.? As soon as he doesn?t like the direction of a conversation (for any reason including when he is getting in trouble for something), he resorts to a quick disappearance or a conversation redirect.

 

Ty likes familiar conversation.? A few of my family members have told me recently that Ty has approached them and said ?Hey can we have that same conversation that we had last week when we were sitting on the steps because that was really fun??.? The family member then agrees and the conversation is recreated as exactly as both parties can remember (and it is almost always about movies or Xbox games).

 

If I were to attempt a discussion with Ty about something that is meaningful to me (but outside of his special interests), I can almost guarantee that he will (a) make no comments (b) ask no questions (c) try to get me back onto a topic he is comfortable with as quickly as he can.

 

Does he ask when, how, where, why?? Yes.

 

?When can I play a game??, ?What time do I have to go to bed??, ?Why can?t I play??? ?Are we going to go to AIT tomorrow??

 

The grand majority of his dialogues will pertain to games, food, or schedule/routine.

 

Often times people question me about why Ty asks so many questions and why he continues to repeat those questions over and over long after he got the answer.? I don?t think the answer is in the repetition but in the question itself.? Ty does this in an honest effort to socialize.? Our little puppy WANTS to talk to you.? He loves ? absolutely loves to engage.? He does not know how to talk about what would interest you though nor does the thought cross his mind.? It never will either because that will not be intrinsic for him.? He is going to have to learn over time what you want and then practice it (and quite frankly ? he may have to fake interest because I am not sure he ever will be truly interested but in his effort to welcome you in he will (I hope) learn to give and take in socialization).?? So he resorts to familiar conversation that is meaningful to him and he just keeps repeating so that he can keep you engaged with him.? He doesn?t know where to take it from there so he just keeps repeating it.? He doesn?t really care about the answer so much as he just wants to talk to you and that?s all he?s got.

 

Ty:? Mommy what are you going to do today?

 

Me:? Blah blah I give my answer and I notice his attention has drifted with eyes darting across the room and at the ceiling.

 

Ty:? What will you do tomorrow?

 

Me:? I answer.

 

Ty:?? What about tonight when Daddy comes home?

 

(Insert my answers between questions here to save me on typing it)

 

Ty:? What will we have for dinner?? What will we have for breakfast tomorrow?

 

When he has exhausted the schedule questions he can think of he will say this:

 

?Mommy what are you going to do today??

 

And the circle begins anew.? We are right back where we started.?? He didn?t ask the question because he really wanted the answer.? He wanted to talk about schedules and routines and he has learned that by putting it in the form of questions he can drag that out for quite sometime with those willing to indulge him.

How Can You Help?

 

It can be very frustrating when you answer the same question over and over and feel like the other person keeps asking because they aren?t listening the first time.? When engaging with Ty try looking at this from a different window.? Ty is asking for a few minutes of your time.? He wants to engage you in conversation and this is what he has to offer you.? If you have the time, get on his level and let him go through his sequence of questions for a couple of minutes (all the while reminding yourself that this isn?t about the questions ? it is about Ty?s attempts at socialization).? When you need to move on, give him a hug and tell him the truth ?Ty I need to go now.? We?ll talk again about this another time.?? If you tell Ty the truth, in all likelihood, he will happily allow you to extract yourself from the conversation.?? In the meantime, rest assured, Jim and I are trying to teach him to give and take in communication and we will pray that over time he gains new tools to engage you in a way that is both beneficial for him AND you.? For now though, he needs a little mercy.

On a side note – just because I think this is cute…

Today Ty asked me to make him a panda bear out of the modeling clay he found.? I did so but the picture of the panda that I was recreating only had a nose with no mouth.? When I was finished, Ty said “Mommy give him a smile.? He needs to be happy.”