If Ty knows you, you are his friend.? If Ty met you once, you are his friend.? If you held the door open for him at Circle K, you are his friend.?? This is a blessing and a curse.? On the one hand, I love that my child shows no prejudice.? On the other hand, Ty doesn?t recognize direct unkindness and therefore does not have the social awareness to keep away from those that would hurt him.
When it comes to other children, I can?t count how many times I have heard him say ?Are you my friend??? ?Do you like me??? ?Do you want a hug??
I am not entirely sure what to make of that either because coming from a socially unaware person, it is a very socially aware question.??? I cannot yet figure out what motivates the question but I can assure you it is not the answer.? All too often, Ty will get an answer back that breaks my heart.? Other children don?t know how to receive these questions (especially when Ty?s other social quirks have already irritated them).? Because of this, it is not uncommon for them to say ?No.? I am not your friend.? No I do not like you.? No you cannot have a hug.?
When I hear it, my heart bleeds.? Ty, though, doesn?t seem to respond to it all.? He has no visible emotional reaction.? Once in a great while, he will come to me and repeat what the other child said but not with the amount of hurt feelings that another child would display when reporting the incident (in fact, he reports it quite pragmatically on the rare occasion that he references it).
I would like to think that the motivation behind the question is an inner sense of really wanting to dive into relationships and cultivate them even if he lacks the tools to actually do it.? I think it shows at least an interest.?? It could be just something he has learned to say though.? I really don?t know.? Even though Ty doesn?t seem to acknowledge the cruel return comments?boy howdy I DO and I can?t refrain from standing down when I observe these things.? I also admit to having some anxiety over the fact that in the future he may acknowledge the hurtful things said to him more than he does today.
How Can You Help?
Teaching all of our children love, acceptance, and compassion is one of the greatest gifts we can give them.? Jesus has told us that his top priority is for us to love other people so above all other things we teach our children, it seems to me that if this point is the most paramount to Him, that it should be at the top of our list as well.
I think it is especially hard for kids to give love when the other person can?t reciprocate their actions in a language they will understand.? In other words, can Ty love them in their language?? Probably not.?? Not yet anyhow.? But I think that if we explain things on a child?s level to our little ones ? that Ty wants to love and have relationships with them but that his brain makes it hard for him to know how to do it, I think you would be surprised at how well children will receive it.
One response to “Friends in Ty’s World”
I read this right after you posted, but in some too busy, hurried way I didn’t comment at the time. This is one of the saddest you posted. It hurts! I acknowledge that you have to be “Ty” ready sometimes 😉 I just stop myself and enter his world and love on him and we have a great, special time together. I am the one that is blessed, I am the one that walks away smiling. I also think that my precious son-in-law is a great example of loving Ty. Shane always reminds Ty not to be aggressive, and then says most tenderly, “Ty, we want to hug and love each other” and then proceeds to do just that. He doesn’t do if for show, I’ve heard him talk like that with Ty when no one else was even around. It is NOT too much for us to adjust, and just love on that sweet boy. I enjoy being around my Bob (I mean Ty! He LOVES roll play!!!!!)