People often ask me what I predict Ty?s future outcomes to be.? I can?t answer that.? No one can.? I can only see today.? I have a lot of hope for a great future though because I see how hard Ty works to learn.

 

My mom commented recently that Ty has some social awareness because he starts so many sentences with ?Excuse me?.? Interesting observation but not (in my opinion) accurate.?? Ty is not socially aware of proper etiquette.? I have told Ty a zillion times not to interrupt and that it is polite to say ?Excuse me? when he is trying to gain my attention while I am engaged.

 

That is effectively meaningless to Ty.? These types of social rules are never going to be an intrinsic normal to him.? All children have to be taught manners ? true.? But eventually they adapt to their social culture and it becomes something they also value.? They understand the need for it and therefore can intrinsically figure out when and why it is appropriate.? This sequence does not happen this way for people with social spectrum issues.? Instead, they must learn what is appropriate and memorize the social rules in such a way that their INTELLECT will guide them as to when it is appropriate to apply a particular social manner because their intuition and social ?reading? of a situation are not going to do that for them.

 

As a result, Ty starts a lot of sentences with ?Excuse me Mommy?.? He has not learned yet to apply the rule appropriately (as in only when you are interrupting a conversation).

 

I can hear people thinking ?Ya but all children do that.? You teach them something and they use it inappropriately in the beginning?.? True.? It doesn?t take them long though to ?get it? and then mature into appropriate use naturally.? This will not ever be natural for a person with a social spectrum issue and that is the difference.

 

In an earlier post I referenced Jim?s socially clueless behavior at times.??? I?ll use a different example of how a person learns to adapt to a social expectation even if they never ?understand it?.? You will like this story.

 

When Jim and I were first married I had my feelings hurt because Jim was not good at acknowledging special days or getting me cards.? I made a point to tell him this.? I specifically addressed the cards issue.? The day after our discussion, (a non holiday) Jim came home proud as a peacock.? He had a stack of cards in his hands.? Smiling from ear to ear, he laid them on the kitchen counter top and began signing them one by one.? He then wrote ?For Easter? on the outside and then ?For Christmas? and ?For Birthday??etc.

 

I WAS APPALLED.? Convinced he was mocking me, I stared at him in horror that he would patronize me at that level.

 

Jim was not joking.? He was not trying to make fun.? I had explained that it hurt me when he didn?t get me cards. ?He then knew exactly what to do to fix it.? He went out and bought the whole stack for the whole year thinking I would be absolutely delighted because he went above and beyond and was going to make sure he had the whole year covered.

 

And yes ? I admit ? I struggled to wrap my mind around how he POSSIBLY could have thought he was going to meet my emotional need that way.? In time, I came to understand that Jim doesn?t read me well.? That is something that is difficult for him.? If I give him a direct ?I need blah blah blah? he will go out of his way to do that but I must put words to it.

 

Was Jim filling my need in the way that I intended?? Not exactly but when I could understand his efforts, it counted.?? All these years later I am still learning to cross over to Jim?s side of the bank and tell him exactly what I want.? Ty is helping me to get much better at this.

 

The morale of that story is, Ty might not practice the execution of social practices in the authentic type of way that a socially aware person would but he can learn the steps and execute the steps out of consideration for another person.? I fully expect Ty to show up with a big stack of cards and a big smile on his face someday.? I will treasure every one of them because I will know what it took for him to do it.? In fact, it will count a thousand times over because his only motivation will be making the choice to fill a need for me that he has no understanding about but loves me enough to do it anyhow for MY sake.

 

In considering this, I believe that Ty can be taught to love other people even better than the average person.? If Ty learns to do it, he will have learned to conscientiously act upon the needs of another person without needing it to be reciprocated.? That truly is authentic.