In the last post, I discussed ToM and NLD but in this post I want to explain it using an analogy.? Maybe this analogy would be good to share with children as well because I think ?story telling? helps those of us that can empathize, to relate better.

 

Pretend that you are shipwrecked and find yourself on an uncharted island.? The native population welcomes you but you recognize that you will be an alien in a strange land for quite some time because their culture and customs are completely bewildering to you.

 

At meal time, you find yourself very limited to what you can stomach because they like their food to wriggle and writhe in your mouth.? You equate this to living creatures and can?t do it.? Few foods are immobile so your menu is short.

 

The clothes they wear feel like burlap and it itches you to distraction.?? These things you can deal with though you don?t care for it.?? The bigger issues though are relational.?? When you hold out your hand to greet a new friend, you are glared at.? Hand shaking is offensive in this culture.?? When you play a team sport, you are ridiculed for ?winning? ? this culture prioritizes equality and sameness ? not success.?? They don?t like eye contact.? You must speak very loudly because being quiet is rude.? The list goes on.

 

In order to develop relationships, you must learn to do these things to live well in their culture.? The difficulty is, their perception of what is right and good and friendly and fair is completely different than yours.??? You will always want to shake a hand in greeting, look a person in the eye, win a game, and eat food that doesn?t move but this is not an option here that will gain you favor.? Instead you have to LEARN what they want and then do that.

 

It isn?t so easy to learn it either because you have to remember all their rules (rules that make no sense to you) and how they apply in each and every situation.

 

Does that analogy help a little bit?? Does it make sense now to you why I would say that Ty will never ?intrinsically? understand some things therefore, he will have to learn them?

 

Let me give you another example that may help you understand the difficulty involved in having to learn something that is intrinsic to most people.

 

In our culture, we shake hands upon meeting new people.? All new people?? No.? How do we know when to and when not to?? I don?t know how I know it ? do you?? I guess by intrinsically being able to gauge the situation and by watching and learning when it was (and was not) the appropriate time to do it.? To be truthful, I have never once given this any thought and I doubt most of you reading this have either.? We don?t know how we know how to apply some social rules appropriately but we do know.? We instinctively developed these skills and matured them without even realizing it.

 

If you have an impaired ability to mature in these skills though, you DO have to think about it.?? Here is what I think a person with a social spectrum issue may go through trying to live in an unfamiliar culture (so to speak):

 

• I have been told that greeting new people by shaking their hands is socially appropriate.
• I just met the bagger in Walmart ? do I shake his hand?? I don?t know him and he just told me his name.
• The neighbor next door?? Maybe yes?
• Job interview?
• The UPS guy who is new on the route when he drops off my package?
• The nurse in the Dr.s office?
• A co-worker from out out of town who has come in to help with a project?
• The paramedic when he arrives after I have broken my leg?
• The police officer who pulled me over to give me a ticket?
• The kid on the playground who is ?new? but is calling me names?

 

See the problem?? You and I could go down this list and say with some intuition, ?yes ? no ? yes ? no ? maybe?.??? Ty would struggle.? Not only does he have to learn that he should shake hands but then he has to learn how those rules apply in every situation because he is not going to know intrinsically.

 

Then one day someone says ?well actually ? you don?t just shake hands when you first meet someone, you also might shake hands in certain environments to say hello to someone you already know?.

 

All new level of complication added?

 

• Do I greet my co-worker at a formal business lunch with a handshake?
• I haven?t seen my mother in a week because she went on a trip with her brother?? Do I greet her with a handshake?
• Haven?t seen my cousin in awhile?
• I saw my Grammy yesterday but would she like a handshake today?? What is ?a while? exactly?
• The guy I work with who sits in the cube beside me everyday?

 

How does a person learn social appropriateness for such things if there isn?t a natural intuition guiding them??? They have to navigate their way through very complex rules to learn what their culture wants, went they want it, how they want, and how much of it they want.? Can you imagine how difficult that would be?

 

Now apply this to every social awareness type of issue you can think of and multiply those numbers out.??? WOWWWWW!!!!

 

Last week Darin (my brother) came to me and asked me when Ty would learn to not greet people (mainly his uncles) by hitting them.? I didn?t know how to answer because I can?t say ?when?.

 

My brothers taught my male children very young to aggressively greet one another.? This was done in full fun and assuming that they would socially mature.? An 18 mo old who slaps you on the leg to say ?hi? doesn?t pull much of a punch.? A 7 year old doing the same thing does.

 

Ty learned that as a social greeting for my brothers and he practices it with delight.? He has not yet figured out (a) when it is appropriate (b) with who (c) appropriate setting (d) how much (e) how hard.?? Those are a lot of things to learn and especially so when you THINK you ARE being loving, affectionate and appropriate.? We remind him continually but he forgets continually.

 

As with all spectrum issues, individuals who struggle with Theory of Mind impairments and Non Verbal Learning Disorders, have these struggles at different levels of severity.? I know plenty of people in my circle who have small degrees of difficulty in this area (my husband being one of them).???? Ty?s degree of difficulty is not so severe that leaning seems out of scope but it is severe enough that I suspect it to be a lifelong challenge learning all the rules that his brain will not give him hints to.

 

After reading all this, I suspect your mind has wandered to more than Ty.? I bet the light bulb is going off and you are identifying those within your own circles that have varying degrees of difficulty in this area.? I hope I have given you some tools to love them well.? Understanding empowers compassion don?t you think??? I sure hope so.? Go out and live loved ? and then share it.

 

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Just for giggles…here is an example of how social unawareness can be a benefit.? Tanner ( my most timid child) was asked to answer the door for me yesterday.? I knew it to be UPS, I was in the bathroom getting ready (for my 2nd date in a year with my husband which was very nice by the way) and couldn’t get to the door.?? Tanner was very upset by this request.? He knew the UPS man would ask him to sign for the package and that was borderline terrifying.? Yes he can sign his name.? No he was not willing to.? I got frustrated and demanded that he obey whether he wanted to or not (I needed that package).?? A moment later, both boys return and the following conversation ensues:

Ty:? Tanner made me open the door mom.

Mom:? Tanner!? I did not tell you to assign the task to your younger brother!? I told YOU to answer THAT DOOR!

Tanner:? (sheepish expression)? He was going to ask me to sign!

Mom:? So what Tanner!? Why couldn’t you just sign your name?? I don’t get what the big deal is?? Did he even ask?

Ty:? Ya!? He asked me to sign but I told him I couldn’t do it so he just gave the package to me.? Will you teach me to write my whole name for next time though?

Mom:? (Getting momentarily excited)?? You know how to write the letter T you just need to learn Y.? Do you want to work on that today again?

Ty:? Um…no.? I’ll just sign a T next time.

One thing that backfires in social situations is fear.? Sometimes I wonder if Tanner’s timid nature is as debilitating as the social issues that Ty’s struggles with.? Ty is not afraid so though he may approach a social situation differently, he forges ahead and as Sweetie would say “Fails forward”.?? Ty thinks talking to the UPS guy is wonderful.? I am thinking though that I should probably have a side convo with the guy and explain to him why my children are homeschooled and the oldest won’t sign his name and the youngest can’t.? That may look suspicious to an outsider.? 🙂

Even Tori bails Tanner out of uncomfortable social situations.? Our little mama seems to know where each of her brothers struggle and she rises to the occasion.? Recently Sweetie asked Tanner to go up to the counter in a local fast food joint and order some onion rings for her.? Insert deer in headlight look here.?? Sweetie and I both meet eyes exasperated knowing we have to decide whether or not we will chose this battle with him.? We decide to insist.? At long length, little sister gets tired of the negotiations under way and steps in.? “Tanner!? I will go with you!”.? And she takes his hand and off they go.? He returns with his classic sheepish Tanner smile.? Because he did it (with a little moral support from Sissy).

These are the moments when I see how BIG God is.? My three children were chosen for one another by the Master of all designers and it is a grand story to watch unfold.