UPDATE: For those that “gotta know” – my Dr. called me before I even got home from the ultrasound – is he proactive or what? I’ll save all the “details” for the girls but here is the bottom line – my ovaries look okay but my endometrial lining is more than 50% thicker than it should be and I have a “very unusual” amount of free fluid in my uterus. The concern is uterine cancer. Not surprising because several female family members had the same symptoms that I do and when my Aunt and Grandmother had their hysterectomies, one of them had already progressed to uterine cancer (at age 27) and the other had pre cancer cells and she had them remove her uterus before it got any worse. So it seems I may be next in line. The next step is an endometrial biopsy. The Dr. said that the biopsy wouldn’t necessarily tell all. It could come back fine and not in fact be fine. He would rather do a D&C and test everything but then added if he were to put me under for that he would rather just do the hysterectomy. At the end of our conversation he said he was glad that I was going to the Virginia Piper Center, wanted to do the biopsy, but hoped I would just give serious thought to the hysterectomy. He must think I am doomed. If not now, later LOL! His rational makes sense. Jim and I are both discussing whether or not I REALLY will need to do this. How high is my uterine cancer risk? Do I have it now or in a pre stage? Sheeeeshh if I know. I talked to mom over the phone about this and I would swear she is in kahoots with my Dr. because she gave 101 reasons TO get a hysterectomy. She is a STRONG supporter of going that route. She didn’t say it, but I suspect after her cancer scare two years ago, she is taking no risk with her daughter. I am not discouraged by this news. I don’t really feel anything about it all at the moment. I DO HOWEVER regret that I have to have another endo biopsy. I had one prior to transferring Tanner to make sure my lining could support babies (at that time I was fine) and darn if that wasn’t sooooooo painful. I about broke Jim’s hand. NOT excited about that. Such is life huh.
Aren’t my feet cute? I think so. I really do. 🙂
I went and got a pedicure last night. Note to Aimee: The guy that did yours was available and I liked him. Note to Heidi: Yes it is weird to have a guy do a pedicure but Aimee talked me into it. No I wouldn’t have a guy do any other massage though. Toooo creepy for me.
We are going to San Diego soon so I thought I needed summery toes for the beach. Jim had to go to SD for a week for work so I decided that since I couldn’t stow away with mom and dad, that I COULD stow away with Jim :). The boys and I will be mainly playing on the beach but we are also planning to meet Courtney, Carter, and Abby at the San Diego Zoo.
So this whole post is going to be a bit of rabbit trail starting with cute feet but I do have a destination point if you hang in there :).
After my pedicure I went to Grammy’s house to drop stuff off. Grammy noticed my toes immediately (of course she did) and told me they were just beautiful and she loved the color but then instantly she wanted to know why I didn’t get a manicure as well. My answer to her question threw her into hysterics. I told her that it never once crossed my mind 🙂 . She threw her head back laughing and said “Doni – there is no one else like you in the whole world. God threw away that mold.” Shortly thereafter, Rob walks in the door. He notices my feet too. He say’s “Oh and Doni I wanted to tell you on Sunday that I actually liked your shoes. They are the only pair of yours that I actually do like.”
I can’t catch a break.
I was born into the most shoe vain family on the planet. The WORST offenders are (Daniel, David, Darin, Rob, Brooke and Avy). I don’t have time for such things. Also the reason I only notice my nail polish is chipped when someone points it out. I am a very focused person and the “details” of life just never get my attention.
Earlier this week Daniel and I had a conversation on the phone. We were comparing Dr. appointments and I told him about my CA-125 test. During the course of conversation I told him that I thought a hysterectomy was a likely result of all this mess irregardless of the results and that I wasn’t big on that idea. He then said with a snicker in his voice “Oh no! You won’t be able to have anymore genetic children!!!!” Very funny.
Actually, I have been grinning over that comment all week. In many cases, that line wouldn’t go over well with a women in her early 30’s who was not finished building her family. In my case though, it warmed my heart to know that my brother knows with all his heart he COULD get away with saying that to me. Daniel knows that I have no desire for genetic children because MY children are all anyone COULD want. He was so confident in that reality, that he could tease me about something very and near and dear…infertility.
My reasons for not wanting a hysterectomy aren’t about child bearing. It’s about finality. It’s about womenhood. It’s about being on hormones the rest of my life. It’s about closure of options like embryo adoption. Truth be told, I want to do domestic adoption again with child number 3 anyhow but still…you always want to have the priveledge of choices. But then, I should be grateful. God makes it easier for me by just putting me exactly where He wants me. There is a part of me that can even smile at 33 about a hysterectomy. It has advantages too 🙂 . Maybe I am surprised at how much it ISN’T bothering me too. Five years ago this would have been devastating news…especially if I was still pre transfer of my other children. Now though…I am past the need for my womb. I didn’t fall in love with my children because of their DNA. I didn’t fall in love with Tanner because I carried him inside me. I fell in love with my boys because God chose them as His gifts to me. He knew what the perfect match would be.
Having said that, I will admit. Yes I have held this secret little hope of a natural pregnancy someday. Not for the reasons most would guess though. Not because I yearn to be pregnant. Not because I have a desire for a baby of like DNA. I could not care less about that. The reason is simple. It’s easier. Adoption is tough in the beginning. First there is the money issue. We have spent all in all about $35,000 to have our kids. Wow huh!!!! Then there is the emotional strain. It is so hard to wait for another family to CHOOSE you. Then you wait to see if baby will REALLY be reliquinshed and you fear falling in love with a little person who will not be yours. You have anxiety over whether to take baby home from the hospital or not before birthmother signs relinquishment. Birthfathers are often AWOL and that is a complication in and of itself. You mourn that IF baby will be yours, another woman is bonding in utero while you are waiting. When baby is born, you are the outsiders at the hospital. You can’t invite all your family because another family is going through a deep time of mourning. And what if you have an open adoption and have family complications? The list is long. With Ty, we were spoiled rotten. Ty’s prematurity was NOT a good thing for Ty but it did give me the opportunity to “carry” Ty for most of the second and all of the third trimester. My family got to be at the hospital the night he was born, we took Ty straight home from the hospital and all papers had already been signed for months, and we LOVE his birthfamily. But the little pessimist hiding inside whispers “But that was Ty….what about next time?”
See why the hysterectomy thoughts make me panic a bit and bring back old hurts? I was thinking about all these things yesterday and then had a terrible case of guilt settle in. How dare I? Really….how DARE I? I am behaving like Ty was the exception to the rule and we just “got lucky”. Not so. In fact, that must insult God for me to say that. He deliberately and with great love and compassion orchestrated every event in my life. Infertility, miscarriage, Tanner, Ty, Ty’s prematurity, Ty’s survival…
Nothing about any of this was random. So how dare I start worrying now about the what if’s? Makes me so mad at myself!!
This week my GYN called again and said that he had to talk to an ONCOLOGIST this week and he mentioned my case to him. Dr. Fraser told me that the oncologist said my case was “concerning” and he recommended that I go to the Viriginia Piper Cancer Center in Phoenix to be genetically screened. Hmmmmm…
I called the Center as requested and they told me that they would work with my insurance and that they needed me to fill out an 18 page form on my genetic history. First they would do genetic counseling and then possibly a battery of blood tests to determine if I have any cancer gene markers. I suppose they do the counseling to see if I would be emotionally prepared for the possibilities. I thought about it and I think I would do fine. It seems a little scary but I think having a heads up knowing your risk is greater for some things, is just smart. I have made my first appointment with them so we’ll see how that plays out.
Shortly after the Dr. hung up he called back and said that he had changed his mind about waiting til I get back from San Diego for my pelvic ultrasound. He wanted me to do it right away. I am scheduled for 2:30 today. I don’t think I have cancer. Obviously the Dr. is concerned though. Makes me wonder if even though my CA-125 wasn’t THAT elevated, if he doesn’t see that often. I suspect it’s my endometrosis or cycsts that is elevating the levels BUT because I do have a lot of risk factors (endo, cysts, multiple miscarriages, hyperextended ovary from infertility drugs, LOTS of hysterectomies in the family, cancer with my great grandmother, grandmother on my dad’s side, aunt, mother, and pre cancer with Grammy Rene….) I suspect the Dr. will suggest that I just “get this over with” and get rid of all unecessary organs. He is already pushing for that now before test results are in. Sigh…..
This week Heather Shaver and I were emailing about this topic. I told her about what Daniel said. Here was her reply: “Uggg, a hysterectomy is not going to be ideal but is much better then cancer! I will be praying for you, my friend and as for your brother…You can tell him that not being able to have genetic children might ensure that they don’t inherit your brother’s gene for admiring shoes! LOL “
So back to where I started this whole post! While I do not give a whit about my shoes, I DO think I have cute feet. I guess if I am always going to be accused of having ugly shoes, I might as well show off my adorable toes. What does Daniel know anyhow? 🙂
Mat 6:27-34 And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? Therefore do not be anxious, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.
“Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.
I don’t have any pictures today because I talked Dad into purchasing a video camara 🙂 . He is regretting that choice because he said mom is making him video tape everything. I just got off the phone with them and he said he was video taping someone spin wool (at mom’s request). Sounds like Sweetie! They were supposed to be in Chicago by tonight but they got sidetracked by Nebraska’s largest attraction – Pioneer Village. That is soooooooooo my mom!!!! They may never leave. They were there yesterday when I called and I was very surprised to find that they are STILL there today. They said they are only 1/4 of the way through it and don’t suspect they will leave until late afternoon. I am so glad they found this place though. I am also glad that dad is having to “go antiquing” with my mother and not me. I HATE that job!!!! 🙂
Visit www.pioneervillage.org to see what has so fascinated them 🙂
Tonight Mom and Dad are in Julesberg, Colorado. They head through Nebraska tomorrow. They are hoping to get to Chicago on Friday so they can meet up with my MIL who is a winter visitor there. Tanner and Ty will be jealous – both grandma’s together!!!!
They are having a WONDERFUL time. They saw a golden eagle yesterday, lots and lots of deer, and even some big horn sheep. Here are some trip pictures over the last few days. I think most of these are from UT on Monday.
The rest are all in Arches National Park in Moab, Utah
Well heck! We have our first crisis already. Dad just called. He was in the back of a pickup hitch hiking back into Flagstaff! Apparently, when they were 12 miles north of Flagstaff (around Sunset Crater) their truck died. Dad told mom to stay with the truck and trailer while he walked up the road for cell service. While on his little hike he realized that it would be at least 4 miles before he could get cell service so he decided to hitch hike. Arrrgghhh.
He hung up with me when he got to the Chevron station where he intends to call Triple A to haul the truck back home. This doesn’t provide solution for hauling the trailer back though so Daniel and Brooke may be on their way up north to help.
Please pray for mom. She will NOT be happy to realize that dad didn’t just “walk up the road”. I have no idea how long it will be before he gets back to her and she is not the type to sit comfortably alone! She could be waiting awhile. The generator is on in the trailer so she should be fine but if anyone stops she will be very scared.
Update: David just called while I was typing this and said that he talked to Dad again and that it might be just the glo plugs (whatever that means). I guess they will haul back to Flagstaff first to see if they can fix from there. Please pray they can. Our family will be heartbroken if this trip gets derailed! THEY REALLY NEED A VACATION!!!!!!!
Note to Family: Mom and I traded cell phones for this trip. This way dad and mom can call me PCS to PCS and they will have two different services while they are gone so they have better/different roaming options. If you want to call them, call Dad’s cell phone.
Update: Dad called at 11:00 and the Lord is swiftly answering prayer. It does appear to be the glo plugs and Dad and Mom are headed into Flagstaff to get heater blocks for the engine to prevent this from happening again. He is also calling his mechanic in Phoenix just to run the idea past him. If all goes well in Flagstaff, they will be off again. All of us were praying like crazy that Sweetie wouldn’t be too scared by herself not knowing where Dad was and she wasn’t. Praise the Lord for all the little things in a day.
Update 3:00: So far so good. They think they will stop in Moab, UT tonight.