Aren’t my feet cute? I think so. I really do. 🙂

I went and got a pedicure last night. Note to Aimee: The guy that did yours was available and I liked him. Note to Heidi: Yes it is weird to have a guy do a pedicure but Aimee talked me into it. No I wouldn’t have a guy do any other massage though. Toooo creepy for me.

We are going to San Diego soon so I thought I needed summery toes for the beach. Jim had to go to SD for a week for work so I decided that since I couldn’t stow away with mom and dad, that I COULD stow away with Jim :). The boys and I will be mainly playing on the beach but we are also planning to meet Courtney, Carter, and Abby at the San Diego Zoo.

So this whole post is going to be a bit of rabbit trail starting with cute feet but I do have a destination point if you hang in there :).

After my pedicure I went to Grammy’s house to drop stuff off. Grammy noticed my toes immediately (of course she did) and told me they were just beautiful and she loved the color but then instantly she wanted to know why I didn’t get a manicure as well. My answer to her question threw her into hysterics. I told her that it never once crossed my mind 🙂 . She threw her head back laughing and said “Doni – there is no one else like you in the whole world. God threw away that mold.” Shortly thereafter, Rob walks in the door. He notices my feet too. He say’s “Oh and Doni I wanted to tell you on Sunday that I actually liked your shoes. They are the only pair of yours that I actually do like.”

I can’t catch a break.

I was born into the most shoe vain family on the planet. The WORST offenders are (Daniel, David, Darin, Rob, Brooke and Avy). I don’t have time for such things. Also the reason I only notice my nail polish is chipped when someone points it out. I am a very focused person and the “details” of life just never get my attention.

Earlier this week Daniel and I had a conversation on the phone. We were comparing Dr. appointments and I told him about my CA-125 test. During the course of conversation I told him that I thought a hysterectomy was a likely result of all this mess irregardless of the results and that I wasn’t big on that idea. He then said with a snicker in his voice “Oh no! You won’t be able to have anymore genetic children!!!!” Very funny.

Actually, I have been grinning over that comment all week. In many cases, that line wouldn’t go over well with a women in her early 30’s who was not finished building her family. In my case though, it warmed my heart to know that my brother knows with all his heart he COULD get away with saying that to me. Daniel knows that I have no desire for genetic children because MY children are all anyone COULD want. He was so confident in that reality, that he could tease me about something very and near and dear…infertility.

My reasons for not wanting a hysterectomy aren’t about child bearing. It’s about finality. It’s about womenhood. It’s about being on hormones the rest of my life. It’s about closure of options like embryo adoption. Truth be told, I want to do domestic adoption again with child number 3 anyhow but still…you always want to have the priveledge of choices. But then, I should be grateful. God makes it easier for me by just putting me exactly where He wants me. There is a part of me that can even smile at 33 about a hysterectomy. It has advantages too 🙂 . Maybe I am surprised at how much it ISN’T bothering me too. Five years ago this would have been devastating news…especially if I was still pre transfer of my other children. Now though…I am past the need for my womb. I didn’t fall in love with my children because of their DNA. I didn’t fall in love with Tanner because I carried him inside me. I fell in love with my boys because God chose them as His gifts to me. He knew what the perfect match would be.

Having said that, I will admit. Yes I have held this secret little hope of a natural pregnancy someday. Not for the reasons most would guess though. Not because I yearn to be pregnant. Not because I have a desire for a baby of like DNA. I could not care less about that. The reason is simple. It’s easier. Adoption is tough in the beginning. First there is the money issue. We have spent all in all about $35,000 to have our kids. Wow huh!!!! Then there is the emotional strain. It is so hard to wait for another family to CHOOSE you. Then you wait to see if baby will REALLY be reliquinshed and you fear falling in love with a little person who will not be yours. You have anxiety over whether to take baby home from the hospital or not before birthmother signs relinquishment. Birthfathers are often AWOL and that is a complication in and of itself. You mourn that IF baby will be yours, another woman is bonding in utero while you are waiting. When baby is born, you are the outsiders at the hospital. You can’t invite all your family because another family is going through a deep time of mourning. And what if you have an open adoption and have family complications? The list is long. With Ty, we were spoiled rotten. Ty’s prematurity was NOT a good thing for Ty but it did give me the opportunity to “carry” Ty for most of the second and all of the third trimester. My family got to be at the hospital the night he was born, we took Ty straight home from the hospital and all papers had already been signed for months, and we LOVE his birthfamily. But the little pessimist hiding inside whispers “But that was Ty….what about next time?”

See why the hysterectomy thoughts make me panic a bit and bring back old hurts? I was thinking about all these things yesterday and then had a terrible case of guilt settle in. How dare I? Really….how DARE I? I am behaving like Ty was the exception to the rule and we just “got lucky”. Not so. In fact, that must insult God for me to say that. He deliberately and with great love and compassion orchestrated every event in my life. Infertility, miscarriage, Tanner, Ty, Ty’s prematurity, Ty’s survival…

Nothing about any of this was random. So how dare I start worrying now about the what if’s? Makes me so mad at myself!!

This week my GYN called again and said that he had to talk to an ONCOLOGIST this week and he mentioned my case to him. Dr. Fraser told me that the oncologist said my case was “concerning” and he recommended that I go to the Viriginia Piper Cancer Center in Phoenix to be genetically screened. Hmmmmm…

I called the Center as requested and they told me that they would work with my insurance and that they needed me to fill out an 18 page form on my genetic history. First they would do genetic counseling and then possibly a battery of blood tests to determine if I have any cancer gene markers. I suppose they do the counseling to see if I would be emotionally prepared for the possibilities. I thought about it and I think I would do fine. It seems a little scary but I think having a heads up knowing your risk is greater for some things, is just smart. I have made my first appointment with them so we’ll see how that plays out.

Shortly after the Dr. hung up he called back and said that he had changed his mind about waiting til I get back from San Diego for my pelvic ultrasound. He wanted me to do it right away. I am scheduled for 2:30 today. I don’t think I have cancer. Obviously the Dr. is concerned though. Makes me wonder if even though my CA-125 wasn’t THAT elevated, if he doesn’t see that often. I suspect it’s my endometrosis or cycsts that is elevating the levels BUT because I do have a lot of risk factors (endo, cysts, multiple miscarriages, hyperextended ovary from infertility drugs, LOTS of hysterectomies in the family, cancer with my great grandmother, grandmother on my dad’s side, aunt, mother, and pre cancer with Grammy Rene….) I suspect the Dr. will suggest that I just “get this over with” and get rid of all unecessary organs. He is already pushing for that now before test results are in. Sigh…..

This week Heather Shaver and I were emailing about this topic. I told her about what Daniel said. Here was her reply: “Uggg, a hysterectomy is not going to be ideal but is much better then cancer! I will be praying for you, my friend and as for your brother…You can tell him that not being able to have genetic children might ensure that they don’t inherit your brother’s gene for admiring shoes! LOL “

So back to where I started this whole post! While I do not give a whit about my shoes, I DO think I have cute feet. I guess if I am always going to be accused of having ugly shoes, I might as well show off my adorable toes. What does Daniel know anyhow? 🙂

Mat 6:27-34 And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? Therefore do not be anxious, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.
“Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.