***After I posted this yesterday, I started getting emails that it posted to my reader but not my blog.?? Instead of fixing it right away, I questioned myself and whether I should (or should not) move forward posting it.?? Sometimes when I share my thoughts with you, they beg more questions than I have answers for and that can be frustrating for people.?? At the same time, my writing can be very therapeutic for me and years from now, no one else will come back and read these journies….but I will.?? This leg of my spiritual journey has been a significant one and while I can’t put words to it for you, when I read these veiled writings I will remember this place – this path – this hurt – this peace.?????? From the emails I received after this posted to my reader I can predict two outcomes from this post.?? One section of readers will be a little bit worried…not understanding and wanting to know what is behind all my lines.?? But another group of readers will sit back and say “hear ya – totally relate to the things you are not really saying here”.???? For the first group…no worries. God is working out a plan of redemption in my heart and sometimes I go through those places kicking and screaming a bit while He is calling me forward and I don’t want to move – but ultimately I am confident in His ability to rescue.?? Also realize I am soul deep writer – I often will say things publicly that others won’t say and people have NO idea what to do or think of me when I do that.?? Got that little trait from my Dad.?? :)???? Also suspect that is why you keep reading sometimes – no telling what I may say next. ?? For the latter group…peace is around the corner…what more can I say??? 🙂

Here was the post (I actually changed it a bit in spots – had more to add I guess):

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Life is such a journey through the the hills and valley’s isn’t it??? I have felt in the valley lately.?? Not for the big landmark reasons that I have faced in the past.?? More because, the little drops of rain that fall can still form puddles in the low areas.?? Know what I mean??? Parenting challenges, FMS/CFS flare ups, and very long discussions with God over who I am and who He is have resulted in many quiet and somber days for me the last couple of months.?? I would put more words to those inner conversations I am having but they aren’t there.?? In fact, many days I am pleading with God to hear the prayers that I can’t formulate right now.?? He knows the root of my brokenness – all those things in my spirit I can’t give definition to.?? I have a sense of the winds of change coming…this storm has been brewing for about 18 months and month by month I find myself different.?? Good different but also working through some sadness.

This morning there was a link on a photog blog to another blog of a local artist.?? CJ and his wife lost a baby in March of this year.?? This week they are celebrating because God is bringing them their second child – not of their womb this time.?? CJ is (I think) a worship leader at a church in Gilbert, AZ.?? Anyhow, he posted a song that he wrote that is on his blog and I have listened to it about 15 times already.?? It’s called Peace Around the Corner.?? Sometimes you hear something that just soothes your soul.?? For me, this song is giving breath to hope in my soul and I can’t quit hitting the refresh button.

So many others in my life are hurting today.?? The future they saw is crumbling.?? Faces of brokenhearted family and friends all swimming before my eyes as I listen to this.?? Wanting HIS peace…HIS plan…HIS story…HIS song…that really is all we ever wanted isn’t it??? He is still working this out.?? Your story and mine.?? We don’t really need a fix of circumstances here (though that would be nice).?? We need to see the giant living reminder that this is not our home.?? I love the line that says “what He did will change us all”.?? If what He did isn’t changing us…then we don’t know Him.?? Change is painful.?? This process of shedding “me” can be excruciating.?? Some days I can’t tolerate one more second of self.?? Some days I can’t tolerate one more second of you.?? I mean this in a collective “you” sense.?? Not a personal one.?? I look in familiar Christian circles and am wanting to plug my ears and hum.?? Tired of bumper sticker type Christianity that advertises something with very little Jesus in it…tired of fruitless theological debates and the arrogance that comes with it, tired of judgment and critical spirits ( mine included), tired of the “God talk” that isn’t rooted in love but pretends to be, tired of the institutionalism, tired of the platitudes – things delivered that aren’t soul deep, sick to death of anything that smack of religion.

Dad told me this morning that part of our maturity is growing into a place where we can be at peace everywhere because the security we have in our relationship with Father grants us freedom to live and move and breathe and love.?? We aren’t controlled by fear or a sense of “rightness”.?? We can love and live and as we move in closer harmony with Him…we are changed.?? The kind of change that makes us more loving more compassionate, more merciful, in a constant hungry pursuit of HIM leaving the desperation for “rightness” out of the equation.?? So I am not there yet (clearly).?? I move out of the “right” camp and then get stuck with aggravation at the Pharisidical tendencies still in me – still in you.?? I don’t want a camp switch.?? I have read other blogs lately of writers who are struggling with the same things that I am but in their pursuit of Him – they just cross the river and start throwing stones back the other way.?? I am guilty of that too and how does that help us??? We end up being the same people still arguing – just a different point.?? A true pursuit of Jesus doesn’t leave us in a place of mocking who we once were – the place we left.?? It will give us a mercy to live lovingly with those that are still stuck in the mire that we ourselves are not entirely free of – and will never be in this body.

I want my life to look more like Jesus and less like me but I am finding that picture is taking a different shape than I once thought.?? What a strange place this is.?? I want Him.?? I want him desperately but the battle in me…it’s still raging on.?? The peace I am looking for isn’t present yet but I hear it’s song around the corner.?? I know He’s there singing it to me but I have been walking pretty slow to Him.?? Definitely dragging of feet going on.?? Why??? I am a little mad and I am mad at myself for being a little mad.?? About what??? I can’t put my finger on it exactly but I know it exists in those places in me that still has a thing or two to shout back over my shoulder to the woman that “was”.?? I feel angry at “her”.?? I feel angry at “us”.?? And you know what…if I get painfully brutally truthful with myself…I am angry at all that was for naught.?? Of anyone that might understand that statement I think it would be Daniel.?????? Then there is the anger at the anger.?? Anger separates me.?? It makes me deaf, dumb, and blind.?? Dad is right.?? I need to make peace with who I was, who I am, and who I am going to be.?? I need to make peace with those who are ahead of me in this and especially those who are living in the place that I am leaving.???? The former is harder because their chains were my chains and it feels threatening sometimes.???? I need to make peace with my God.?? I am quick to blame Him for my frustrations and confusions holding Him responsible for holding out on me.?? Jodi yesterday made a comment about knowledge being power.?? She was speaking to something spiritually unrelated but it hit me in a deep spiritual spot because I instantly acknowledged that I have believed that.?? That’s part of my struggle in fact.???? The pride that comes when we think we have a handle on something can really serve to beat us up if it crumbles later.?? Knowledge isn’t power.?? The Holy Spirit is power.?? The way He moves in my life will be the grand summary of all my defining moments.?? Not what I “think” I know.

For those hurting…I fight the temptation of wishing away all these circumstances that bind us…but we must believe in His promise to bring about every bit of this for His good purpose in our lives.?? From losing health, and homes and heart…to losing our religion…we need to exchange our pitiful idea of peace for His perfect kind.?? We are walking through these places where the light is?? dim but what if we walk out of this with His light bursting through all these broken cracks??? What if we weren’t just a club that the broken and wounded couldn’t join but we were the walking, breathing, loving body that He uses to bind up the broken??? What if we are WILLING to trade our futures for the peace that comes when we really believe that He is working in the middle of all of this??? Taking away so that He can replace..breaking down so He can build up…allowing our mourning so He can turn it into the grand dance??? He is a Redeemer.?? That is what He does.?? It is who He is.?? I need redemption.?? At the end of all these days, we will see his face…why do we wait to start running??? I feel my feet picking up their pace and it has been a long time coming.?? He’ll always be my favorite thing to cry over because at the end of it all, He stores up my tears in a bottle and He heals me.?? I can hear Peace around the corner…

Peace Around the Corner

www.cjbergmenmusic.com

Lyrics

I can hear Peace around the corner
Playing our favorite song
He’s a giant living reminder
This is not our home for very long

You can take my heart and all I dreamed of
You can have the future that I saw
Cause I would trade my Peace for another
This is what I wanted after all

After all is said and done
I’d trade His life for yours
I would take just one
And after these days fade away I’ll see Your face
I will run home

He’s our favortie thing to cry over
What He did will change us all
And it’s the pain we just can’t stop
That’s moving us along

After all is said and done
I’d trade His life for yours
I would take just one
And after these days fade away I’ll see your face
I will run home

I can hear Peace around the corner
Playing our favorite song

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dxfLi5p9_ZQ