I am angry about something so I am posting a beautiful calming sunset picture to quiet me down.?? 🙂
Today I was shopping with the kids (yes yet another shopping incident this week).?? There was an older woman handing out sample gummy bear cups and of course the kids wanted to stop.?? She did the usual – gave the four of us the “look over” mentally calculating.?? Then she said something that shocked me out of my senses.?? She looked at Tanner then at me and says “So did ya get yourself a rent-a-kid today?”
I smiled nicely and said softly “They are all mine.”?? Tanner smiled too and we walked away.?? I would love to tell you that I was kind about this because I am such a loving and meek person.?? That wasn’t the case.?? I was simply too stunned to know how to respond.?? I also feel a responsibility to handle these things wisely for the sake of my children who will mirror my emotions.
As I walked through the store though I was fighting tears.?? I WAS SO FLIPPIN’ MAD that someone would single out my child like that and say right in front of him “this kid doesn’t belong”.?? INFURIATING.
I am trying to be compassionate about this and realize that people are often pretty dumb and just say whatever pops into their head.?? I can confidently say the woman was not ill intended.?? She had already formed her conclusion that Tanner was not my child and didn’t see any harm in commenting on what was fact to her.?? For surely if she had ANY idea that Tanner WAS MINE, she would never have said such an idiotic thing!???? Doesn’t that comment just seriously take the cake?
By the time I got through the store and was ready to order some lunch for the kids, I needed my mom.?? I quickly called her on my cell and told her when Tanner was out of hearing what happened.?? She suggested I walk my cart back over to the woman and run it over her toes.?? Tempting.
Jim was even more angry than mom.?? I get my second boundaries lecture of the week.?? Once again, my husband wanted to know why I didn’t defend my turf and tell the woman she was WILDLY out of line by saying such a thing.?? I told Jim that I felt it likely that Tanner didn’t really get what she was saying so it was better that I downplayed it in front of him.?? Jim was concerned that if Tanner DID know what she was saying, that maybe Tanner needed me to tell the woman that we didn’t appreciate such a comment.?? I asked him what he would have done standing there with our children and he defends that he would have given her a calm but direct “you are way over the line” talking to.?? Knowing Jim, that is exactly what he would have done.?? Should I have??? I don’t know.?? It’s a toughie because I don’t want to be overly harsh with people when then are not intending to cause harm.?? On the other hand, at some level, my children may need me to take a stand for them and let others know that not only are these precious gifts MINE MINE MINE (I am singing Tori’s MINE song), but that any comment that suggests otherwise is downright offensive.
And isn’t it crazy that we adopted a child of ANOTHER RACE and no one ever comments on that?????????? Tanner gets way more comments post Tori’s adoption because the differences in our genetic makeup get even more attention with a red head and a hispanic baby but instead of singeling out Tori – they single out Tanner.?? I, naturally, want the world to leave all of us alone on this topic and I wouldn’t like comments being made to Tori any better but I have to admit to this added irony being a bit comical all things considered.
I am so tired today and my body aching so much (FMS/CFS flare up stuff I think), that I can’t approach this topic with a level head.
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Haven’t had time to process anything so I thought I would just share the sunset picture.?? I took this the other night.???? I was in my car preparing to leave and made myself get back out to take the shot.?? I knew I would regret it if I didn’t.?? As I stood there looking at the sky, I didn’t see just the obvious beauty before me.?? I saw what it was going to look like when I was done with it.?? :)?? I love that God lets me join in on his artwork by adding my own touches.?? Dr. Blackaby says “Watch where God is moving and join Him there”.?? I think I try to do that digitally sometimes hee hee.
21 responses to “Keepin’ My Cool”
Are. you. serious? Wow. Just… wow. I think I would second your mom’s suggestion!
On a more lighthearted note… I can’t resist commenting that you must not have been lugging a second cart or even that flighty lady would’ve known for certain that those three lovely children were all yours 🙂
Doni I have followed your story for years and cried and celebrated many moments with you. Yesterday I was shopping and having lunch with a friend and our children (we each have three). I had two of mine and one of hers in my stroller and her son was holding my hand. We had an elderly couple stop us and actually count the kids, then comment “Four? Really, my goodness”. I didn’t even have a response. I would feel blessed to have four children even if they were all under five. God bless you and your famliy.
LOL Natalie. 🙂
look at all the colors in the sunset – as beautiful as the shades of hair in your children. 🙂
i’m glad you could tell she didn’t mean harm… but so sorry for the hurt it caused. 🙁
more and more i’m meeting people who have no exposure to or understanding of adoption – even relatives. they say things that i even get offended by because i have been blessed by the gift of adoption and the things my sister teaches me about it simply through her life of love. i do my best to graciously educate but find that even others get offended that i’m correcting them… some think it’s an issue of “political correctness” and i’m being the pc police – but it’s much more than that… it boils down to someone suggesting your children aren’t actually yours… that they don’t belong… i’m realizing for people who don’t have the gift of adoption in their lives, they just literally can’t understand how deeply those implications can hurt – and how ludicrous (sp?) they really are… born of our wombs or our hearts, our children are our children and BELONG with us.
by the way – i saw a lady in the store the other day with a red-headed, blue-eyed boy. he had a completely different look about him than tanner but i was SO drawn to him. in fact, i’m pretty much that way with red-headed kids. i try to always make a point to tell them how much i love their red hair. i did with this particular boy. he had great freckles too – loved them! we ended up chatting for a few minutes. redheads deserve a little extra love in my opinion. 🙂
such a beautiful picture Doni!
Such a horrible comment. It’s a hard call – if you know that she’s speaking out of ignorance and not judgement then a sweet reply is probably all that is needed. i completely understand your being stunned into saying a few simple words. Maybe reherse a response so that if you ever encounter this situation again and there’s enough ignorance (and meaness) out there that you’ll have a resonse ready that will not have you steaming mad after the fact. One that will correct them, but also let your kids hear you stand up for them but in a way that shows love to the offender no matter how wrong they are.
HJ you are SOOO right when you say that it is not political correctness, it is about deep hurts when someone suggests (either knowingly or unknowingly) that YOUR children are NOT YOURS or do not belong. Add to that all the years of longing for and praying for these children that God gives to us; then to have someone suggest they are not ours. And you are also right when you say that people without expsure to adoption truly do not understand or underestimate the bond between parents and their children (even if those children came through adoption).
Doni, obviously I have put myself in your shoes and I am livid with you!!! If lived closer I might visit the woman myself 😉
I know most of the time people don’t “mean” to hurt feelings or offend; but what gives them the right to comment to begin with?? Doni, you don’t OWE anyone an explanation, and I wish that people would realize that they have no right to invade your privacy by asking about your children or family makeup because they don’t look alike.
Sorry for your bad experience today! Hope the rest of your day went better.
love you
shauna
I am awed at the audacity of people! I pray your day goes better!
Hey, the sunset picture….spectacular!
Oh good grief! What a tacky thing to say. I’ll give my two cents. First of all, why would one assume it genetically impossible for you to have a red head?? Just because your other two don’t have red hair? So what! My cousin married a black man and their first baby has light skin, blond hair and blue eyes. Their second baby is as dark as can be. Very dark skin and very dark eyes. Second of all, I just can’t get over the nerve of people. As you can imagine, we get comments everywhere we go! Some are very kind and encouraging, but most are comments insinuating that they think we have way too many children and are not uplifting…”Good luck with paying for college,” “Just wait til they’re teenagers” etc. Children are a blessing and I just wish people would say more encouraging and uplifting things especially right in front of them!! Tanner is such a blessing and his story is so amazing–if that lady knew his amazing story, she’d feel really sheepish for saying what she did. I mean really? A rent a kid? WHAT? I commend you for your gentle answer. Not so sure I would’ve been so gentle…
Talk to you tomorrow!
What? That is so incredibly rude. I would like to go find her and give her a piece of my mind!
Hello people? Seriously? It’s like your momma said, if you can’t say something nice….don’t say anything at all!
come to think of it, we had a couple in one of our old churches where the mom was hispanic (dark hispanic) and the dad had red hair and very pale white skin… both kids had dark skin and red hair – some of the most beautiful children I have ever seen. Tanner is GEORGOUS!!! And so are Ty and Tori, God has blessed you with a beautiful family!!
She may have thought you were babysitting or something; but it still doesn’t give people the right to make assumptions and say things that could be hurtful in front of kids. Period!
I hear your emotions over this, but for some reason it just makes me feel more honoured to have the privilege to KNOW Tanner and his beautiful story. To have the obvious knowledge that he is apart of a wonderful family where love is alive, well , happy and healthy.
This lady and others who make “rude” remarks without thinking are the real one’s who end up loosing out on the kind of happiness that Tanner can bring to a life.
Baby girl I get you on this! Today I went birthday shopping with Jamie and of course when I stand next to my six foot blond beautiful girl (with all of my 5′ 3″) I guess people wouldn’t think we were together. She looked up at Jamie and since I was obviously talking and teasing with my middle child looked at me increduosly and asked, “Is that your daughter?” Isn’t that funny that that just happened to me too???? I proudly said yes and just kept on, but later had to think about her comment. I am so thankful for the family relationship that we have and that when Jamie was but a wee little girl and she tried to use the “but I’m adopted” card – you had wise words to repair her little insecurity moment and helped her rise above and I never heard her use that line again! Sweetie, people are just people and live in small worlds. We need to lovingly educate, and make it seem so absurd that our children observe our nonchalance and walk a little taller KNOWING that we adore them…everything red, brown, blond, purple, pink – (whoops, gots carried away there!) anyway everybit of them from their heads to their toes!!!!
P.S. We are praying for our little Tori tonight. God is singing over her, remember?
Lovin’ you as always,
Aunt Beck
I love the sunset, I wish we had such pretty ones here in Min.
I had an incident 2 years ago where I had my boys and the nieces nephews and cousin ages 10, 9, 8, 3, 2, 1 with me at a park, in this case all of the kids look to be related as the paternal genes are very prominent in this family. There was an elderly lady who saw each of the kids come up and give me a hug and/or kiss on the cheek. She asked how old they were..and me not thinking told her to which her reply was wow you had them close to each other and so many of them. I just looked at her and said yes they are close together and I love them all then walked away. I was a bit miffed at her gall but unfortunately people are short sighted and the fact that that woman said it in front of Tanner is awful, some people need to learn tact even if they do not mean for a comment to come out in a negative way.
i want to know what doni said to jamie. 🙂
i want to know that too. also, Matt wants to know what store you were at, Doni 😉
I’ve gotten to the point of feeling apologetic when my kids act like kids anywhere because of all the “wow you have a lot of kids” comment. I get nervouse shopping at the grocery store, especially when I ended up at Fry’s on senior’s discount day! I got so many glares like I was irresponsible for having so many children so close together. I have had on more than one occasion ask me ” you are done aren’t you?”. Children are a blessing from the lord and when the Lord gives us that blessing in whatever package they come in they perfectly fit for our families. And I agree with you Aunt Becky it is our privilage and our blessing. I don’t think that we should have to be quiet when someone says somthing rude or tries to impose their belief or standard on us. Our children deserve to know that they were perfectly planned by God and placed in our families with purpose.
amen brooke!
Doni, under the same circumstances I probably would have done the same thing you did. Although the lady might have needed a lesson in the many different ways to create a family, Tanner didn’t. I struggle with this on my own. I am proud and honored to have my 2 sons that happen to be adopted. I love to tell the stories of how God brought them to us. But I also believe it is none of anyone elses business how we created our family until WE CHOOSE to share.
Jamie was really young – probably Tanner’s age or younger. She was sitting at my mom’s table and decided to throw out an “but I am adopted” comment. I don’t remember what the angle was but I do remember that she was fishing for a reaction. I turned to her, and in a serious voice said something to the effect of “Do you think you are more special than the rest of us because you are the one in the family that was chosen?” She was shocked at my response but I saw the happy lights dancing in her eyes and I knew my point had hit the mark. She needed affirmation and I was only too happy to use some reverse psychology and give it to her. 🙂 Her and I still argue over who Poppy’s favorite was – her or me. I bet he giggles from heaven every time he hears us discuss it.
Oops, didn’t you ever hear him say, “it is my darling daughter Becky, sweeit girls. For doesn’t a father know that a child who needs him the most loves him the most. But don’t worry dear ones, I have a little room for the rest of you as well, it’s just that my precious Becky, well, who could not help but love her?” at least that is what I always heard him say to me (Tee! Hee! – each child should feel that we are the “favorite” child. I’m sure we three little girls did!!!!!
(actually, poppy and i had something VERY special going on… he WISHED that i was adopted much sooner than i was and was heartbroken when i moved away because, well, you know… IIII was the favorite. 🙂 i’m glad he was nice enough to let YOU each feel that way too though. 😉 )
and doni – your comment to jamie – PERFECT!!! i love it… no matter how we come to family, we’re all valuable, loved, and need to feel specail – and like we’re all favorites. 🙂