I love the look of wonder she has on her face that is just so true to form for my bright eyed curious little girl.?? She is so fascinated by life.?? I got a kick out of listening to her belly laughs as Tanner tied a rope to her pink horse ride on and took her for a ride today.?? She loves “birds” (which is quite ironic actually considering my serious distaste for them after growing up on a bird farm).?? She spends a lot of time staring out the windows watching the “birdies” and her fascination is contagious.?? I love to see life through her eyes.?? Isn’t it awesome when your children look upon life differently than you do and they are able to loan you for these brief moments, their visions of the world?
Advisory…I am about to drone on in my typical therapeutic fashion.?? I would just look at the pictures today if I were you.?? 😉
By the end of this weekend I am going to be exhausted.?? I am burning the candle at both ends for the next four days and I am not sleeping well because the Lord and I are talking and I am a jabberbox when I am distressed.?? I go into hyper drive and get seriously amped and the more I try to hush up and stand down – the more I talk.?? Jim and I had a late night discussion on this.???? I feel very safe laying myself open with Jim because I know he will approach what I have said with honesty but he is good at keeping personal judgment out of it.?? He can call something just as it is but not wrap emotions into it.?????? I was telling him how I kept finding myself in “obnoxious” mode this week and was struggling to turn it off.?? Portions of it I can blame on personality type, but underneath it all, I keep diving into the layers of self and peeling all this junk back trying to uproot the mess and the more I do that, the deeper into self I get.?? “Me” simply doesn’t get out of the way.?? I gave several examples of personal poor choices (all having to do with my mouth).?? Not only did Jim shake his head in agreement (because he knew exactly what behaviors I was referring to), but he also added to my list by telling me other Type A personality traits that really annoy the heck out of him.?? I found myself sitting there saying “Yep.?? Uh huh.?? Check.?? Did that.?? Did that one several times.?? I completely resemble that remark.?? Check.?? Check.?? Check. Check.”?? At the end of his diatribe I say “But the weird thing is babe, you married me.?? :)?? In fact, you said one of the things that drew you to me was my “dynamic personality”.?? He simply smiled and agreed.?????? Last night was a really good example of how living loved played out in my marriage.?? I trusted Jim enough to say “let me just tell you all the naughty behaviors I exhibited today”.?? He loved me enough to say “Yes – I agree.?? You can be naughty like that.?? I really love you”.???? And that’s it.?? The talk between the Lord and I took most of the night though because my confession list was long.?? As I said, I kept trying to lay myself bare before the Lord but at every turn, I would realize another flesh motivation underneath every confession.?? We kept digging and digging.?? I would sleep a bit and then wake back up and continue it over and over.?? At about 6:00 AM, I finally had to say “Lord – the problem I am dealing with is that I am still trying to fix me and the fact that I can’t is terrifying.?? I want to just acknowledge my flesh – kick it to the curb and knock these behaviors off but I don’t have the capacity to do this.?? I have the desire but I do not have what it takes to get the job done without there being something else fleshly and false in the “act” of curbing it.?? How do I let Him fix me??? How do I learn to stand down so He can rise out of me so there is no self involved??? I want to be just a moving body for him to breathe through but I don’t know how to give Him the room.?? I am begging Him to stand me down so He can stand up in me in a real and an authentic way.?? I am finding I can’t even be authentic without it still being fleshly motivated.?? Doesn’t that just stink??? I hate to admit it, but I really find myself back at step 1 these days.?? Acknowledging that there is no good in me.?? The problem is, I have lived too long not really really believing that – thinking there was quite a bit salvageable really ;).?? Now that I stare it straight in the face, that same “no good in me” stuff wants to rise up and ground it out which is this vicious cycle because the root of the problem can’t fix the problem and what an absurdity to approach it this way.?? I am not good at being patient though and I don’t know how to physically stop my desperate and feeble attempts and let the Master have “at me” in a real way.?? If you are still reading this…I am a bit baffled by that fact too.?? LOL.?? I just go on and on and on blah blah blah.?? Talk it through – then move on.?????? I need to get some sleep huh?
7 responses to “Layers of Me”
i’m finding that i have to figure out when to dig deep and when not too. there are times that digging deep IS good… but sometimes it is just too dang hard and painful and puts me into shame or some other bad circle that’s hard to get off. .. like you, putting my focus on ME and not HIM. sometimes i am just sort of numb to it – don’t want to analyze the details (as i’m SOOO prone to do) but to just let it go, seek him, and trust the gunk to work itself out of me whether i specifically name the source or not. IF HE shows me something specific, it’s best to hear Him out! but i don’t think He’s as concerned that i dive into the details as i think i should be. as he prepares me to fix each “thing” in me, he’ll bring it to the surface. if i try to too soon, i just fail and end up with yet ANOTHER thing to hang my head down about.
i get you on this one sister – i do. i’m just in the let it go phase this morning. i hope you have an echo so you can sleep tonight. 🙂
You just put my thoughts into words. 🙂 I just read Idols of the Heart. Let me tell you. I had sin after sin reviled to me and it was painful at times.
I appreciate what Heidi said. A really good friend of mine told me once that I have a tendency to see sin and then spend so much time looking at myself and what my sin is that I create more sin- self-centeredness. On the other hand there is such a fine line and sometimes knowing and seeing our sin clearly helps us (maybe I should say me) to work through it and identify it in the early stages the next time. My friend gave me great advice that day. She told me that when I see my sin I need to praise God for showing it to me and really recognize that it is the Holy Spirit revealing Himself to me and working in me. Then, I need to look to the cross, know I am forgiven and move forward.
Thank you for being so honest. It’s a huge encouragement.
I agree with what Heidi Jo and Laura said… let God work on you and your sin in His timing. If He is dealing with you on a particular thing, then spend time with God dealing with it. But if you are trying to be “perfect” “sinless” all at once, it is an almost impossible thing to do. God loves you as you are; so don’t beat yourself up trying to change… let Him change you in His timing, knowing you are loved by God even in your sin; just like Jim loves you even in your sin. Hugs! Love ya!!
Oh my goodness! I just found your blog. Your pictures are amazing. You must have a really good camera!
Heidi – hear ya. In this case, I had asked Him to show me some things and He did so this was a team effort kinda thing;). Laura – I think I am going to have to disagree with your friend in this case. Because I have been asking God to search my heart in very specific areas, I am finding Him faithful in doing that and it is a process that comes with some grief attached to it. I believe that the root of most sin IS in fact self centeredness (all the varying forms of pride). To be more specific, when God was shining a light on a few areas in my heart this week, I applied the time to try and understand the root of the pride issue. As Daniel and I have discussed though, often times when I try to fix an issue deeply issued in pride, I end up realizing my “fixing” motivation was equally centered in pride and I am back to ground zero again. So is the inspection into my heart and life the prideful part? I don’t think it is. But everything else? Pretty much. But like you have all said, I can’t fix it so it won’t be on “my” time. I think He turned on enough light to let me see it…and help me realize my own inadequacy in trying to “manage” it – how not even that could be authentic. So what is He going to do with me? We shall see…we shall see. 🙂
Uh…”TRISH”…very funny. 😉
He is going to love you and sing over you silly, remember???!!! I love your honesty and dialog. I’m sure it helps others as it helps me. Isn’t are nature when laid bare just plain ol’ ugly? I get excited when God shows me these things (which He does often!) because then I can recognize it, confess it, ask Him to take it from me, and honestly most often have it come up again and again and again – then I just start the process all over! I love that He loves the prodigal and runs to greet him, but He also rewards the one who diligently invests the “talents” He has given and then increases the “talents” in proportion to His gift! A fine line we walk to be sure, but Doni, He truly KNOWS your heart, so the wrestling can cease and the altar of sacrifice (with ourselves on it) can be offered back to Him, the One Who loves me and made me “warts and all!”
“Father, direct our hearts ever closer to Yours and mold us and make us after Your original and best design!
Lovin’ you as always,
Aunt Beck