This Mother’s Day I woke up with that tender heart feeling.? The sense of tears being two seconds away.? I wasn’t sad or angry, or worried.? More of a deep expressive kind of thing.?? If you are a “feeler” than you might get this.? If not…well…can’t help ya.? :)? You’ll just skip the touchy-feely stuff and jump ahead to my point anyhow.? If you can find it.? 😉

I knew what was on my heart.? Knew exactly.? It was a conversation God and I have been having for a few weeks and other people keep bumping against the issue with their words.? In fact, AS I was typing this, the crux of the matter came up again with my friend Shauna hee hee (when you finish reading this Shauna you will find your timing comical).

Several weeks ago a sweet friend of mind approached me about a potential private adoption situation.? I shut her down in record time.? The words “private” adoption spell “grief” to me.? Every encounter we have ever had has ended with me having feelings reminiscent of miscarriage.? I have hoped for and lost so many babies over the years that my courage wanes.? After the conversation ended, I put it out of my mind.? Slammed that door shut good and went on my merry way.

Here is how this will work out.? Next year, when I am ready, when we have the money, when all things are right in my world, I will get back on the list to adopt baby number four.? I am starting to cry at the sight of newborns again.? The yearning has started.??? For years I thought I had no control whatsoever when it came to my fertility.? I felt at the mercy of others.? Of Doctor’s, of social workers, of finances, of birthmom’s.? However, in the back of my mind I realized that in an odd sense, I actually had more control than I may have had otherwise.? At 37 years of age, I CHOOSE.? I DO THAT.? I get back on the list or I don’t.? I pick the timeline.? True, I could wait awhile but so far my experience has been that I have had short pregnancies.? In fact, I may be pregnant now.? Since I want to get on the list at the beginning of the year, it’s possible our child is already growing.? Maybe.?? That has me thinking more about this baby too.? Is my baby’s heart already beating?

Two weeks ago I was talking with Brooke at the baseball game.? She was “in the know” on the private situation and she brings it up.? Inside my head I am thinking “sigh…this again”.?? I have such a knee jerk reaction to private situations because I play the whole scene out in my head like this “I want baby.? Nothing is as everyone hoped/thought/said.? I think about baby.? I attach to baby in my heart.? Baby isn’t mine.? Baby never becomes mine.? I hurt.”? Yuck!!!!!? So now when someone says “I know of this situation…” I instantly start humming in my head.? Don’t. Want.? To.? Hear.? It.

I’ll wait for an agency adoption where everything is handled by an agency, birthmom is already made steps herself to pursue adoption, lawyers in order, my timeline….control control control.? It’s not like I would ever be matched with some birthmom expecting a baby 5 months out and then get a call that she delivered at 25 weeks and I needed to go be mom now wink wink.? :)?? Quoting Dad now “so how is this control thing worked for you so far?”? But still…you gotta say, I do give it a worthy effort.

Back to Brooke.? My sister speaks random truths into my life at odd times.?? This morning when I put my shoes on it occurred to me that I really should go buy those black sandals as Brooke suggested because last week she let me know that my shoe choice wasn’t working for me with my outfit hee hee.?? (Side note:? You should have seen Daniel’s face when Tori showed up at Mom’s today with her purple dress and black rain boots on.? Priceless.)

While Brooke was talking to me about this tender topic, I was preparing my speech for her.?? Before I could get very far into my well crafted argument though she said something that stopped me dead in my tracks.

“What about YOUR oops?”? It happens to everyone else.? Why not you?? I think it’s your turn for an “oops”.

Hmmmmm.? That threw me for a loop.? What did I have to say to that?? Brooke doesn’t give a rip about my well planned out agenda filled life.? 🙂 She opened up a can of worms in my heart without her even knowing it.? In the first place, she brought “it” back up again.? In the second place, she just insinuated (without intending to but being quite accurate) that I have had just a little too much control and maybe it was high time I lost some again.? Brooke is a driver when she gets an idea up her sleeve.? She started pitchin’ like a pro and my arguments started slipping from me.?? Before you get all wrapped up in this story waiting for me to say “and we are adopting…..”, I will warn you that I am not headed there with this story.? Not my point.

The whole “what about your oops?” line has been bugging me for two weeks.? Haunting me really.

While getting ready this morning, I finally addressed the full scope of it with Abba.?? What a good talk it turned out to be.? It boiled down to this.? I decided that I was okay with an “oops” and even glad that I may someday get one.?? An “oops” is a priveledge.? To quote yet again from Fools Rush In “Your the one I never knew I always wanted“.? I have gotten a lot of mileage with that line.? So many times I have talked to mama’s that weren’t “trying” to get pregnant because for one reason or another, they wanted to “responsibly” control the timing and then God took the decision out of their hands and “oops”.? “Oops” turned out to be the child they couldn’t imagine living and breathing without.? “Oops” don’t happen to infertile women.? They have to plan.? Maintain their certifications.? Raise money.? Keep up on their fingerprints.? Worry about their weight because the birthmom’s reviewing their files will see all manner of personal details and you can just imagine all the judgments feared.? It’s a process.? A time consuming one.? Doesn’t leave room for “oops”.

Unless…you get this call one day and someone says “hey there is this baby and….”.? True, it rarely works out but what if one day it actually did?

I am learning to live loved and trust Abba.? Because of that, the thought of no preparation, no agency, no lawyer yet hired, Tori still in a crib, it being a year in advance, blah blah blah….none of those things are rocking my boat now.? I don’t feel the compelling urge to attempt to control the uncontrollable.? I can simply let it be.???? We could get a call one day that a baby has been born and someone wants to arrange a private adoption NOW and I am not super freaked about that.? How about that huh?? 🙂

God brought the song “Overnight” to me the day after Brooke and I talked.? I felt like He was reminding me that He loves it when I am in “this” place.? This places of waiting.? Not being able to “do”.? Not “fixing”.?? Not.? One.? Single.? Thing.?? You see when I sit here and do nothing, I am trusting that He will do everything.? In His time.? In His way.??? He has it all worked out.? As Amy Grant says (and you know I will love her forever and ever), “if it all just happened overnight you wouldn’t know how much it means…yeah if it happened overnight you would not learn to believe in what you cannot see”.??? And there sits the heart of it…the Father smiles when I am “in the waiting”.? He wants me to believe Him.??? Lately we have been winking at each other because I feel kinda like I am sitting in my recliner with my feet propped up.? He’s smiling, I’m smiling.? I am saying “I am not doing a thing”.? He’s saying “I see that.? I like it.”? 🙂

Why tender hearted this morning though?? Because I believe Him.? I feel He is whispering from the other side to me.? He wants me to hear the echo of it heading towards me but not be able to make out the words yet.? Change is coming.? Is my baby going to be here sooner than I thought?? Will it be private adoption?? Will it be next year as we planned?? Will it be never?? Is He changing the plan entirely in a way I don’t see?? Is the sense of the wind blowing that I feel, His spirit rushing through me because the change is happening inside of me?

See this girl running?? I am her today.? It feels so good.? Happy Mother’s Day.