I can hear you now. Why post such a tragic picture of Tanner? I needed Tanner’s cooperation one day for a project I am working on and he modeled the expression I needed perfectly. (He was not really crying…don’t worry). This picture though serves to create an allagorical picture of suffering. The tears of the wounded cut deep. I used this picture for this posting because I think it helps create the mood for the topic of suffering that I am writing about. You see that little face, and you want to comfort. You want to rock. You want to hold.

This week while driving I heard a song on the radio that moved me. It was one of those songs where first…I cried…and then I thought “she gets it”. The lyrics have been the words of my heart for a long time.

The song talks about a couple who faces great loss. Their initial reaction to the pain of it all is staggering. The questions and the nightmares and the moments of not understanding overwhelm the soul. But then…there is this moment…this moment that comes to those who KNOW Him…this moment when you know what it means to be held.

When I listened to the chorus, I realized that much of what this writer had written could have come from my own heart (and has). The chorus say’s:

This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we’d be held.

Simple in a sense but it is significantly profound.

When Jim and I were going through our adoption classes I remember one particular class where we discussed adopting children that were 6 months of age or older. The discussion was on bonding. In most circles, new parents are taught that newborns cannot be spoiled and that when a newborn cries – they need something. Don’t wait – act. The rules change when you are adopting a little older baby though. Unbonded children must learn to bond. They cannot bond without understanding need. Therefore, adoptive parents have to allow these little one’s to cry a bit longer so that they understand their need and understand WHO fills that need. This helps to create the parental bond. The child must know they have a need and must know that their daddy and mommy are willing and capable of providing it.

I think that is one of many reasons why God allows His children to suffer. He is a perfect parent who knows how to teach His unbonded children how to bond. When our needs are always fulfilled and we do not experience those moments of extreme need, we are deceived into thinking that we alone are sufficient. Like an unbonded child, in our independence we do not learn to “cling”. We also do not learn to give. I believe that people who have never had moments of need, cannot understand the type of serving that God called us too. Giving means something completely different to those who have lived in need. Their eagerness to give to someone else is born out of compassion and not charity. Big difference. Several years ago I did not know the difference, but God has been teaching me to bond and the glass that was dark now seems a bit clearer.

For me personally, some of the most incredibly bonding moments between me and my Savior happened during my times of need. I have incredible memories of “feeling” rocked in the arms of God. I savor those memories. I would never wish them away and therefore cannot wish away the situations that brought me to that place.

Holding someone is mutually beneficial. When I rock my own little boys, I relish those moments of pouring out my love upon them. I know that they will remember those moments of being rocked in love’s arms too. While sometimes the things that drags a child to his mama’s arms are painful, they are also the moments that build intimacy between parent and child. Parent providing much needed comfort and child receiving it.

In the last few days, I started making a mental list of the people in my life who I knew would hear these words and be able to say “Yes…I completely get that”. These people have made a difference in my life all for various reasons and in various circumstances. I don’t think any of them would mind me sharing a bit about them using just first names. I am only writing some that are coming to mind at the moment though my list would be LENGTHY if I kept at this long. These are just a few people who I believe understand exactly what it means to be “Held”.

Several years ago, my friend Susie conceived her first child. He died due to a heart problem within day’s after birth. I was a teenager when this occurred and did not personally know Susie but I knew her story and I remembered thinking “how can she breathe past that pain?”. Later, Susie decided to pursue adoption. She and her husband brought a precious little one home and then a short time later the birthfamily reclaimed her. After that she adopted a little boy. When he was born, his intestines were on the outside of his body. As a young adult, I was very confused by this. “Lord! You already took two children from her…why would you ask this of her?” I finally got to meet Susie when my grandfather died and I instantly bonded to her. At that time, I had suffered infertility, and many losses of children and when I tried to talk to her, the tears were plenty. Susie understood my grief. Susie flew with her sister (also my precious friend Sharon) all the way to AZ for Ty’s baby shower. She had survived and continued in the footsteps of the faithful. Recently her mom died of cancer. Grief has etched its place in her life yet again. I have no doubt who is carrying her. She know’s what it means to be held.

Three years ago, my friend Cara Jo, after years of infertility, conceived twins via embryo adoption. She was overwhelmed and overjoyed. At 23 weeks, Nathan and Anna went home to Jesus. Cara Jo and I have had many cry sessions together over the last 3 years. We have been “grief partners” and loved and prayed for each other through the hard times of loss. Together we have clung to our Savior. Cara Jo knows what it means to be held.

Our family friend, Casey, has undergone two liver transplants. His liver is again failing and it appears that He will go home soon. He will leave his precious wife and his daughter (now in her 20’s) behind. Casey allowed me to worship through music with him since early elementary school. He fanned my passion for music and worship at such a tender age and gave me the opportunity for this expression. He also called all of our attention to “God sightings” each week. He watched for God everywhere and in everything and taught me to pay attention to where God was working. He knows what it means to be held.

My precious friends Ricardo and Maria lost their three year old little girl to a seizure disorder 2 years ago. After Leslie died, Maria and I had lunch one day and with tears streaming down Maria’s face she said “God is Good”. Ricardo is a Pastor and he preaches to spanish speaking congregations. I attended Leslie’s funeral and was astounded that Ricardo spoke. His words of love and comfort and complete trust in His sovereign Lord captured me. I thanked God for putting Ricardo and Maria in my life. They understand what it means to be held.

My friend “A.H.” is currently facing a loss that is breath taking to me. Because of her situation, I cannot even write about it but I am grieving with her and pray for her each time the Lord brings her to mind. Each time she emails me an update on her hurt though, the last line continues to say “I will not fail you nor abandon you. Joshua 1:5 ” She believes that and stakes her life upon it. She knows what it means to be held.

Several years ago, my dad’s best friend and his wife were delivered a painful blow. Their young daughter had cancer. Steve is a Pastor and speaking as a PK personally, I know first hand that it is very difficult for a Pastor’s family to grieve. So many eyes are watching. His wife Kari and I went to lunch one day and she talked about the years of heartache. Though ultimately, Stephanie did survive…there was much grieving through those years. Kari introduced me to Dr. Dobson’s book “When God Doesn’t Make Sense”. I needed that book. Steve and Kari know what it means to be held. So does Stephanie.

Nearly a decade ago now, Heidi developed an autoimmune disease. The night of my wedding was when we first noticed her signs but we didn’t know the cause. In the years that followed, she endured much. I will never forget one particular afternoon when I looked at her and wondered where my sister went. Her whole body reflected her pain. She fell head over heels in love with Jesus during those years. I know. I saw it and I still see it. She knows what it means to be held.

My mom heard the words “You have cancer” last year. The sentence that forever changes your life and makes you feel vulnerable to something you cannot control. I have watched my mom’s devotion to her God every day of my life. I KNOW she knows what it means to be held.

I have watched my father struggle as a Pastor and a daddy. The fountain of grief that a Pastor carries is incredible. They carry the weight of more than their own family and they grieve with many. I can’t put a description to all the grief he has carried but I have watched it. Yet he has remained faithful. I often think of Dad when I hear the words to Mark Schultz’s song “I Have Been There” . The second verse say’s:

He?d been a pastor twenty years
But tonight he sits alone and brokenhearted
In the corner of the church
He?s tried to change a fallen world
With his words and with his wisdom
But it seems like it is only getting worse
And he cries
Oh Lord I just don?t understand
And then he felt the hand of grace,
And he heard a voice that said

I have been there
I know what pain is all about
Yes, I have been there
And I am standing with you now
I have been there
And I came to build to a bridge oh so
This road could lead you home
Oh I have been there

Dad knows.

When my mom was diagnosed with cancer, my new friend Beth wrote to me. Her mom was also diagnosed with cancer. Her cancer was at a higher stage than my mother’s. Beth wrote recently about her mother’s incredible faith in the sovereignty of God. Her email moved me. She understands.

When I met Christie, she had lost two children. Her grief was overwhelming to me. After Ty was born Christie conceived a little girl. When Christie gave birth last year, they were surprised to discover that Becca has Down’s Syndrome. Becca is a blessing…an incredible blessing…still though…Christie hurts for what Becca has been asked to face. For the hurt that any mother faces when her child suffers. Christie’s light has shined brightly though in the face of all the tragedies of her life. I am honored to call her friend. She knows what it means to be held.

Over the last few weeks, Jim and I were trying to get a a web blog done for my friend Angie. Angie and her husband Carlos are missionaries in Brasil. We wanted to get this done while she was home on furlough. While Angie was home she had a very severe grand mal seizure. They have had to delay their return to Brasil for at least a year. Angie has lived a life of service and her heart is always on “The Message”. So tempting to ask “Why her? Why now?” Angie is a living testimony to what she believes. She will not tell you her Savior failed her. She knows what it means to be held and she is being rocked even now.

Several people last year wrote me about a mom who had lost her baby. She had a website and each time I read her entries, she endeared her heart to me. Her love for the Lord was so evident. Shortly after the death of her son an adoption opportunity arose. The good news turned tragic when all kinds of adoption complications entered in and they could not take Sophia home right away. Finally, after a few months, Sophia was able to be welcomed in to the family God prepared for her. Jill was faithful through it all. Jill know’s.

A few months back, my friend Kelly wrote to me. Her sister in law had gone into premature labor and her little girl went home to Jesus. In her email, she happened to mention that her sister in law was in a Christian music group. Coincidentally I had been introduced to that group several years previously and had their first CD in my car. Krista had been ministering to my heart with her music for years. One particular song about trusting the Savior had encouraged me through the hard times. This past year, these lyrics took on whole new meaning for Krista I am sure. While I have no doubt they ministered to her before her loss, I think the profound significance now has touched her in a whole new way. When I listened to her songs before, I prayed for me. When I listen now, I pray for her. While I have not had the priveledge of meeting Brian and Krista…I know they know.

And these are just a FEW!

Over the years I can’t count how many times people have said to me, “Doni…God won’t give you burdens that you cannot bare.” Guess what friends! Yes He will. When that verse is delivered to those suffering it is almost always taken out of context (assuming reference of 1 Cor 10:13). This verse has no basis in the strength of the individual. The verse is not referring to our human strength. He does not promise to limit the pain in our life based on our own “pain tolerance” scale. Many verses (verses referring to our endurance through suffering) refer to HIS strength. OUR burdens are heavy but HIS yoke is light. BIG DIFFERENCE. It is not about my ability to carry the heartache…it is about HIS. I wish people would learn to say, “Doni…God won’t give you any burdens that HE can’t bare. Can you let Him carry you?” That is what the scripture teaches.

Jim and I do not allow certain religious broadcasts to be aired in our home. Know why? We consider many of the doctrines of “Health and Wealth” to be downright blasphemous. God did not promise us a pain free life. The verses that refer to God’s best for us are spoken from the eternal into the eternal. They have little relevance upon the hear and now. God is not so short sighted that He looks at our life on earth as the full picture. Everything God does is of eternal purpose. All that He allows – for eternal good. His promises are real and can be trusted but His promises are not intended to all be fulfilled in the timeframe that WE have set. Those that believe that, become very disillusioned when their kids die of cancer and they loose their jobs and their spouses leave…etc. Did God lie? Did they DO something wrong? Are they being punished? Are they unloved? For those that embrace Health/Wealth beliefs, the blame game starts when tragedy befalls. Oooohhhh….the vicious cycle of these questions breaks my heart.

I had a conversation with a loved one lately who said “I did all that (referring to obedience to God) and nothing changed!” I pointed out that God was not about creating a life of luxury and comfort for us right now. All expectations of that will lead to heartache. He is about preparing His kids for His ultimate glory. If you are going to follow Christ, you can’t “give to get”. You must follow because you are sold out, and in love wanting an intimate relationship with your Savior because of WHO HE IS. Life IS going to hurt. Count on it. Someday though…He will remove the tears. Now He comforts them.

If you have read all this and are wondering what in the world I am talking about, I hope I have inspired you to dig deeper. Do you want to “get it”? Ask Him to show you the truth. Ask Him to reveal His heart and Himself to your heart. Ask Him to teach you what it means to be held. He promises to answer those that sincerely seek Him.

In recalling the words to a beautiful hymn, “Great Is Thy Faithfulness”, I stop and contemplate these words:

“There is no shadow of turning with thee”.

Do you know what that means? It means God never turns His back on his children. They will never see the shadow of His back walking away. Never. I hope that those of you who understand this will hunger for more. I hope that those who don’t, will start to hunger. He’s waiting.

Never seen the shadow and always held,

Doni

P.S. Thank you Natalie Grant for “Held”. I will love this song always. (You can purchase this song for 95 cents on Walmart’s site here or purchase the album on CBD’s site here. Here are the full lyrics. This is a must listen too – the kinda song you just have to hear to feel it).