I approach this posting today with anxiety, grief, and hope…
The words I need to write I am targeting at myself. It is not my intent to place my convictions upon those around me. I feel that I personally am being called into account and my conscious has been moved to a place of extreme tenderness…so I find I must lay this burden down.
It is a burden I have been carrying for years. The questions have resurfaced in my heart and mind over and over. I have prayed and asked the Lord to lead me to His truth. Sometimes I get in the way though and it takes me a long time to come to a place of better understanding…especially when such intense desire and emotion are factored in.
While my heart has been changing on the topic I now tread, the last few weeks have caused me to apply serious evaluation to the issues that have surfaced for me. There are two people in my life – both whom I love deeply who compelled me to go deeper. Both for completely different reasons. Both are precious to me. One is a genetic mother and the other is a snowflake mom. I am priveledged to call them both “friend”.
The conversation? Invitro fertilization. This is a subject that is going to extend to many many hearts. As you read this, please understand I am talking about my personal journey. It is not my attempt to pour coals upon the heads of those around me. I am writing about this for my own sake.
For years I have supported invitro fertilization within very specific boundaries. Those boundaries included the following:
1. Jim and I believed God did not grant us peace to go outside the bounds of marriage in using donor sperm (or egg).
2. We believed conception in a petri dish was a medical intervention applied to a medical disability just as chemo is to cancer. This point alone was not an issue for us.
3. We believed that any lives conceived, needed to go into my uterus within 24 hours. No growing. We believed “growing” embryos resulted in survival of the fittest and who was to say that the weaker wouldn’t have survived if in the environment God intended…the womb?
4. We believed we should only attempt fertilization on the number of eggs that we were willing to be placed in my womb. No embryos would be frozen. No embryos would be discarded. All would be implanted into my womb as soon as possible.
5. We did not believe in selective reduction (abortion) of one or more babies in the case of a multiple pregnancy.
Jim and I prayed and prayed about this decision. We did not feel convicted. We did not feel that God was telling our hearts “No”. Yet we had to acknowledge that our own desires could have drowned out His still small voice so we asked Him to cover us in with grace in case we weren’t hearing Him. We were sincere. We prayed that if we were making a decision that was not honoring Him, that He would intervene in our decision. We did not want to conceive our children through a process that would bring dishonor to God and life. This conversation with God happened in 1998. We underwent invitro and none of my eggs fertilized. We decided to go no further with IVF. Some may wonder if we would have conceived and a child was born if we would have said that was God’s granted approval. I would not say that. I have learned that God’s gifts are all about HIM and not about me. Many people go outside of God’s boundaries of marriage and still enjoy the blessing of children. This is not God’s affirmation that their choice honored Him. Only that He blesses for purposes beyond which I can explain with human reasoning. I believe that “rewards” from God and blessings that extend soley from His grace are two very different things.
Fast forward eight years to 2005. God has made it very clear to Jim and I that He has called us to stand on behalf of life. Because of this, I feel our accountability to the choices we have made, are making and will make are crucial to our ability to further the cause of Christ as well as this specific cause we believe we were called to. For this reason, I have had to evaluate the IVF issue very closely with great caution. As I am quickly becoming a public spokesperson for the life of human individuals in their earliest stages of development, I cannot afford for there to be any inconsistency in my own life. Jim and I can afford no compromise in this. Too many eyes are watching. Those that would love nothing better than to patronize and discredit our pro-life convictions are waiting for opportunities to proclaim “Hypocrite!”
This subject has weighed heavier and heavier upon my heart as the years have progressed. Did we do the right thing even in the most protective of boundaries? After careful consideration, I believe Jim and I would not repeat the decision we made even though we believed at the time we were honoring God.
Here is why:
First…
Our Dr. at that time told us that his clinic success rates were 1 in 5. One embryo conceived would survive to term out of 5. His explanation was that all embryos are not capable of survival genetically and not all implant. This happens in natural conception as well. Difference is you don’t realize it because you don’t know fertilization occurs until after implantation. If you lose a life prior to implantation, you will never know it.
He suggested that since we were not going to freeze or discard, we needed to attempt fertilization on at least 5 to 6 eggs. He did not believe all would fertilize and was confident all would not survive to term. His reason made sense to us. We understood his rationale at the time and agreed that IF all 6 DID conceive all 6 WOULD go in.
In retrospect, I believe this was very unwise. While statistically the Dr. was correct, it was still possible that 6 would fertilize. It was again possible (but certainely VERY improbable) that all 6 would implant. If that happened, we would have been committed to all 6. We would not have selectively aborted. No…not even to give some a better chance. ESCR argument all over. You don’t kill to heal. IF this unlikely scenario had occured would we have been responsible for putting 6 children at risk because a multiple pregancy of this order is unsafe? My heart tells me the answer is yes. We would have felt responsible for that.
I remember my mom and I talking about this early on. We were sitting at her kitchen table and I remember telling her “Mom – if 5 or 6 do fertilize I can’t not hope for high order multiples. That would mean disregarding one of their lives. How could I do that? Our Dr. assures us that is incredibly unlikely but what if????” That thought haunted me a long time.
What if our boundaries would have been even more conservative than they were? What if we would have said you may only attempt on 2 to 3 as we feel confident that IF triplets survived to implantation, they would have a very good chance to survive to birth? In all honesty…our chances would have been considerbly more slim.
Aside from this, even if our boundaries respected life at EVERY conceivable angle, the industry itself was not limited to our boundaries. Therefore, we were giving money to an industry that would be used to further the technology that we don’t support as life affirming.
I have struggled with these two points for some time and this weekend my heart couldn’t take it anymore. For a few years I have discussed this with one of my snowsisters:). She and her husband decided against the IVF route entirely for the reasons I have shared. She never condemned me for my 1998 decision but she always quietly and compassionate held her ground. I have great love and respect for her and knowing that she had made a more conservative choice than I made me consider my actions on a different scale.
This morning, in my kitchen while making Ty’s bottle I felt the sob welling in my throat. Part of my struggle has been in even allowing myself to consider that I may have made a decision that was not honoring to God. Jim and I sincerely wanted to prioritize giving Him glory over all else and the thought the we may have fallen short of the mark has weighed so heavily on me. With many tears I unburdened this ache today.
In order for me to know in my heart that I have in everything honored Him to the best of my human ability, I could carry this no longer. God has called Jim and I to higher accountability and the IVF industry is something we just can’t in good conscience support. There are too many implications. Too many lives put at risk. Even in the MOST conservative of situations, we were still funding an organization who terminates life as easy as it gives babies opportunity for full term survival.
The funding point is a difficult one. Could I visit an OBGYN that also performs abortions? Would my dollars also then be funding abortion? This could be taken to the extreme of taxes – when our tax dollars are spent on unethical research and agencies such as Planned Parenthood. Don’t get me wrong, I am not saying that one should not pay taxes;). I am stating that my conservative decision in this has implications that will be personal to each family when considering the funding issue.
While I do think that there is room to respect life in IVF if practiced in the way I describe, these boundaries would render IVF obsolete anyhow because while I feel these boundaries do respect life, they would give very little opportunity for the desired end of pregnancy. As a result, I find that at the natural end of this conversation, I personally must oppose the practice.
This posting has NO implications upon embryo adoption though. I stand 100% behind embryo adoption. Yes…technically paying for an embryo adoption is funding an IVF clinic but at this moment I see no other solution and those little ones cannot be left cryopreserved or destroyed. This is not about supporting an industry. This is about giving a newly created person the opportunity to reach their next stage of development. An already existing little person that God breathed life into despite the controversary surrounding that little one’s conception.
On a side note, I want to highlight the conversation that I had with my friend who is a genetic mom with embryos currently cryopreserved. She aches. It breaks her heart when she hears adoptive families talking about rescuing. The thought that her frozen embryos “need” rescuing causes her grief. I listened to her and I need to validate a point she has made. I think it is unfair for me to use the word “rescue” in relation to those embryos who HAVE been placed for adoption because their genetic families did make a loving plan for them just as birthmother’s make a loving plan for born children placed for adoption. I did not “rescue” Tanner or Ty. Their genetic family and birthfamilies loved them enough to make a plan for them. Please remember that there is so much heartache involved for these families. Can I encourage you to offer not only birthmom’s grace but genetic families too? While many genetic families do not agree with my IVF conclusions, there are also many that post cryopreservation have had to rethink the decisions that led them to adoption and they bare much grief. We all need grace.
If someone would have talked to me about this 8 years ago, I don’t know that I would have been able to really hear them. It has taken, several factors of grief, education, influences, and true heart conviction to get to this place and I think people come to places of conviction at different times. When the heart of IVF is simply to achieve pregancy, will many consider me to be ultra legalistic here? Of course. I can only say that I talked to the Lord about this and I feel He, for His purpose in my life, is moving me into a different heart place on this topic.
Throughout the last 16 months of journaling, I have shared my private joys and my private sorrows with you. It makes sense to me to share my failures too. Half a story doesn’t help. For people to trust my heart, they need to see the whole picture. That requires humility on my part (which is hard). You may or may not agree with my end conclusion but I do hope you will understand that this was between the Lord and I and I think He has been laying this burden on my heart for a long time and it was time for me to submit it.
“Father,
How I praise you. How incredible your grace for me. Your love endless and unconditional. Your tenderness unfathomable. Your patience so deep and wide. My heart knew you were calling me into a conversation with you in my kitchen this morning. Lord what an awesome moment between us. Thank you for letting me experience you even when it is in a moment when I am suffering from the shame of my failures. I want to honor you above all else and I hate that I fail you. I especially hate to fail when I am trying so hard not to and then I look back and realize I could have done better. In that moment of my confession this morning, I turned. Everything within me had this sense that you stood right alongside me. Your face was hidden behind the veil from me but every fiber of my being felt your comfort. How incredible to feel your love and reassurance and your incredible forgiveness and grace. Lord I want to stand up for the innoncent yet unborn because I believe you called me to this but more than that I want to stand for YOU. You are my first cause. Let all of me be because of you and for you. Give me the strength and courage to be what you have called me to be and do what you have called me to do. Please expose any area in my life that is not pleasing to you and convict my heart so strongly that I can’t raise from my knees until I have confessed. In this moment, all I want to do is praise you. I ache for that moment when I will stand with your other children before your throne giving you all the praise. You will end our struggling and our suffering and perfect us into your image. I feel desperate for that.
Thank you for sending both mom’s to talk to me. They had things to say that I believe you inspired. Both of conviction and of much needed grace.
While writing my prayer to you I have been listening to the “Next Door Savior” album. The songs have led my heart into a place of worship. The song that echoes in my heart in this moment is Watermark’s mix of “In the Garden/There is None Like You”. I raised my voice in song filled with the passion that comes when the most sincere form of my worship can only be expressed through music. You have filled my heart to overflowing today. I love you and I can’t wait for you to wash away my tears for they are many.”
I come to the garden alone
While the dew is still on the roses
And the voice I hear falling on my ear
The son of God discloses
There is none like you
No one else can touch my heart like you do
I could search for all eternity Lord and find
There is none like you
You speak and the sound of your voice
Is so sweet the birds hush their singing
And the melody that you gave to me
Within my heart is ringing
There is none like you
No one else can touch my heart like you do
I could search for all eternity Lord and find
There is none like you
You walk with me
And you talk with me
And you tell me I am your own
And the joy we share as we tarry there
None other has ever known
There is none like you
No one else can touch my heart like you do
I could search for all eternity Lord and find
There is none like you
Jesus…we sang this to you on our wedding day. Nearly eleven years later…I embrace all the more passionately…there is none like you.
Your daughter who loves you.
15 responses to “Grace that is Greater…”
Wow Doni, I sit here with trembling fingers wanting to say somthing to you…..the words are coming in every direction. I am compelled to tell you how amazing that was for you to write straight from your heart, the very bottem of it. No not everybody will agree with you but they dont always to have to, to understand you and where you are coming from. My sister just delivered twins 7 wks ago, they are the result of a reversed vasectomy, two yrs. of trying conventionally,11 attempts at artificial, and lastly IVF 3 embryos were implanted with 2 attaching so where Im heading with all of this is I dont know if I can ever say I dont think my sister did the right thing. I am so proud of her and her babies. The part that saddens me and I fully disagree with is that she now has an astonishing amount of babies waiting for a mommy and a daddy, she has 23 embryos!!! She herself didnt relized at the time what she was getting herself into. I have asked her what she planned on doing with them and she doesn’t know because of you though I have told her all I could about you and Tanner and she does know that ,that is an option now. So thank you for all of your wonderful expiriences and telling them to us you inspire me to think if anything else. I just wish that your voice was maybe a little louder and could be generated to many more so this problem wasn’t a problem . And one more thing thanx for your honesty it really makes me lov ya even more! From the day I met you I new that you were one special person you were a dedicated mommy and someone who cared and was willing to listen. I made it through many days back in the NICU, and PICU because of things you would say to me. I also really appriciate all your words to me thank you for always caring about my life and my babies it is really special to me. ~Shayla~
tearfully, and lovingly, i am with you sister. i love you so dearly and am so thankful for the years of openness and honesty that you’ve shared with me. i’m a better woman because of you… but you don’t get all the credit. 🙂 what has made us so good for eachother is the love we share for our Savior. He has blessed us with so many beautiful gifts, including conviction and sometimes heartache – it’s in those things that we grow and become more beautiful. you are beautiful and i love you.
feeling with you,
heidi jo
tearfully, and lovingly, i am with you sister. i love you so dearly and am so thankful for the years of openness and honesty that you’ve shared with me. i’m a better woman because of you… but you don’t get all the credit. 🙂 what has made us so good for eachother is the love we share for our Savior. He has blessed us with so many beautiful gifts, including conviction and sometimes heartache – it’s in those things that we grow and become more beautiful. you are beautiful and i love you.
feeling with you,
heidi jo
I notice your conflicts about IVF all hinge on the fact that chance plays into technology that aims to bring fruit to an otherwise infertile body. I imagine some day the chance aspect won’t be there. And I think it’s good to pursue that goal.
1 Corinthians 12:
There are different kinds of gifts, but the same Spirit. There are different kinds of service, but the same Lord. There are different kinds of working, but the same God works all of them in all men.
Now to each one the manifestation of the Spirit is given for the common good. To one there is given through the Spirit the message of wisdom, to another the message of knowledge by means of the same Spirit, to another faith by the same Spirit, to another gifts of healing by that one Spirit, to another miraculous powers, to another prophecy, to another distinguishing between spirits, to another speaking in different kinds of tongues, and to still another the interpretation of tongues. All these are the work of one and the same Spirit, and he gives them to each one, just as he determines.
And yet, even with that possibility (less chance in the future), I’m pretty certain Doni’s views on the matter will not change – as the only way for science/medicine to progress to that point would be through the loss of more lives in the process. It’s still a science that experiments on humans to get there – this is a very profound realization and I’m feeling the impact of that with Doni and will love her through knowing that God’s mercy is great and holds EACH one of us… for we ALL are in need of it.
Sorry for all the room but I could not pass this up. Does God Believe in Adoption?
Absolutely! Adoption is the means by which all believers enter into the family of God.
For as many are led by the Spirit of God, these are sons of God. For you did not receive the spirit of bondage again to fear, but you received the Spirit of adoption by whom we cry out, “Abba, Father.” The Spirit Himself bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God, and if children, then heirs — heirs of God and joint heirs with Christ, if indeed we suffer with Him, that we may also be glorified together.
Romans 8:14-17
Even though the Bible uses the word “adopt” only about four times, it refers to the concept of adoption surprisingly often. And when it does, the Bible always presents adoption as a positive, gracious act that is part of God’s plan.
Moses, for example, was adopted by Pharaoh’s daughter (Exodus 2:1-10). His adoption, though sad for his Israelite parents, was part of God’s overall plan for the deliverance of Israel from Egypt.
Esther was also an adoptee. We are told that when her parents died, Mordecai, her cousin, took her as his own daughter and adopted her (Esther 2:15). This adoption also led to a wonderful deliverance of the people of God!
And in a way, wasn’t Jesus an adoptee? Joseph, who raised Jesus as his own, was not His biological father. Adopting parents can learn a great deal from Joseph! This man of God was truly unselfish; he was willing to rearrange his whole life in obedience to God. Joseph gladly accepted Jesus, providing Him with all the love, encouragement, and guidance that a son needs from a father.
But the best and most important biblical adoption story of all is that there is only one way for us to enter the Kingdom of God — we must become God’s adopted children through Jesus Christ. The New King James version expresses this relationship beautifully:
Having predestined us to adoption as sons by Jesus Christ to Himself, according to the good pleasure of His will, to the praise and glory of His grace, by which He made us accepted in the Beloved.
Ephesians 1:6
Isn’t this incredible? God chooses us to be His adopted children, not because He has to, but because He wants to! In adopting us through Christ, He shows the depth of His love. What a delightful model this presents to those who want to adopt a child as their son or daughter.
For Christians struggling with infertility or who want to enlarge their family circle, adoption is not second best. It is simply one way that God in His wisdom can choose for us to be parents. Whether one becomes a parent biologically or through adoption, the fact is that children are not a right — they are a gift from God:
Children are a heritage from the Lord.
Psalm 127:3
Is it biblical for a birthparent to make an adoption plan for a child? Does God intend that infertile couples remain childless, or should they apply for adoption? Such questions are matters of individual conscience and must be decided through a process of prayerful decision making which seeks God’s guidance and will.
One thing is certain. When birthparents make the decision to place their child with a believing family, God works in and through the process. Not only does He bless the adoptive family with a long-awaited (and prayed-for) child, He also blesses the birthparents with the peace of knowing that their child one day will have every opportunity to claim his or her rightful place as an adult member of God’s Kingdom.
The child will be blessed, too, with the security of knowing that God has been watching over and protecting him or her since before birth (Jeremiah 1:5). God may even use the process of adoption to advance His Kingdom. Who knows what eternal plans He has for that child?
Doni,
Thank you for the sharing your struggle in this area. I admire your courage and strength of convictions in so many subjects. I appreciate your willingness to stand for your beliefs even if you feel like you’re standing alone in this world. I want you to know you’re not alone in this one.
Mary
Thinking of you, Love Jennifer
Shayla – I am so thankful that you were the first to comment. Thank you for your affirmation and gracious words – especially considering you may not be in the same place that I am. This has been a hard weekend for me emotionally. I felt the Lord was calling me to be honest about my convictions on this but I have been so concerned that people I love will feel condemned by my words. I cried for a long time with Jim about this over the weekend and in his precious and pragmatic way he said “Doni – if you believe God has called you to defend life in this way in the earliest stages, if you believe He wants you to compassionately be honest about our convictions than you don’t have a choice in this. You can’t worry about how other people will respond.” I am so thankful for a loving husband that encourages me to obey where I think God leads my heart. (And yes he agrees wholeheartedly with me in this). This was not an over night conclusion for us. It has taken us eight years to be in a place where we say “We do not support IVF”. During those years God changed our hearts slowly. We believe He did this through many different friends, circumstances, our own experiences, the experiences of others and His gentle heart prompting. Jim told me this weekend that he thinks Ty played a part in this as well. Eight years ago we didn’t understand the consequences of high order multiples. Preemies were just tiny babies. We now know better. Our experiences with both of our boys have served to educate us in way that we may never have understood without their little “life stories”. I never want to “platform” on my own personal agenda but when I feel the Lord call my heart to stand up on something, I will have no peace until I submit. I realize this posting may have consequences. There may be people who I love very much who are offended or hurt. I must stand up for the unborn. I know I have been called to this and I can’t stand down. While there are some grey areas in IVF, there are also some areas that are black and white. There are several realms of IVF that put newly conceived lives at risk. As Jim adamently defended to me this weekend, I have to stand on truth and putting these tiny ones at risk, irregardless of our heart motives – is wrong. I have to say that. I know in my heart that God is prompting me to be consistent in my stand and not be afraid to say “this is wrong”.
HOWEVER, I need to emphasize that it is not my intent to condemn. If people I love and care about (a) disagree with me or (b) don’t entirely disagree but are afraid of being judged…I want to let them know – my intent is not to add shame. It is to speak the truth in love with as much grace and compassion as I can. Christians sometimes can be brutal to each other. The heart injuries we inflict upon one another are far more significant sometimes than the heart injuries that non-christians inflict. We can’t do this to each other. We have to stand on truth and not compromise it but we have to present this truth with a gracious and compassionate heart. We can’t be afraid of hurting each other to the degree that we keep everything “personal”. When we do that, we snuff all our light out. My sweet snowsister never condemned me. She always stood her ground firmly and did not compromise it though. I hope to follow in her footsteps with even half her grace. There is a fine line between speaking truth and heaping shame. There must be a balance. I am trying my best to balance this and I might fail. I may lean too heavy on one side one day and too heavy on the other side the next. I fail often. Please extend grace to me and know that I am pleading with God to shower His grace on me so that I can offer it to all the hurting and tender hearts that He brings into my circle of influence.
Shayla – this comment of yours helped me rest a little easier last night and I wanted you to know that.
Love Doni
i just feel so much love for you. i know Father is pleased with your willingness to obey and honor Him. i believe whole-heartedly that you will see so much of the blessing of that today and throughout your life. i also believe that the persecution of carrying His name will be nearby as well – humbly and drawing you closer to Father as you relate more to Christ in it all. along with all that, i am certain you will indeed hear “well-done” and the rewards of that alone will be enough to carry you through eternity with peace, humility, joy, and grace. i hope to be standing real close to you when you hear those words so i can praise with thankful heart right along with you… maybe even in harmony. 🙂
Dear Doni,
Thank you for sharing your struggles with me. I have been reading your blog for the past year and it has been a great encouragement to me as I struggle through my infertility. Thanks for being open enough to share with so many strangers. I feel like I know you and have been pointing all your photos in the recent Snowflakes publicity to my husband. “Look, there’s Doni and Tanner!” (Did you sse that your picture is in World magazine?) I guess that probably sounds strange since you don’t know me at all.
At any rate, my husband is in seminary and I’m working part time as a receptionist at his school. We’re seriously considering Snowflakes because we won’t do IVF. It’s hard to explain to people what an anti-life culture exists at the reproductive endcrinologist’s office. The pressure to try IVF is great because I’m 24, with a great uterus and some scar tissue and endometriosis issues that pregnancy will probably help to solve.
I commend you for always being willing to stand up for what you believe and always endeavoring to do so in a compassionate, loving way. May the Lord continue to watch over your family and guide your steps.
Your sister in Christ,
Jordan Douglas
Jordan,
Thank you – every bit of affirmation in this is truly an encouragement. I did not know about World magazine. I have wanted to subscribe to that magazine for a while now. Anyone have a copy of this month’s publication that they wouldn’t mind giving me when they are done?:)
Mary,
Thanks for being brave with me:)
Susie,
That was a precious article. Thanks for sharing with us.
Jennifer,
Love ya:)
Erik,
Couldn’t start this list and leave you out…we aren’t going to agree but of course I always love scripture:)
Heidi,
You always know. Love you.
– Doni
Doni,
This morning I had the Sara Groves song “This Jouney is My Own” running through my head. At here it is again as I read the words from your heart. Do you know the song? “When I stand before the Lord, I’ll be standing alone. This journey is my own. Still I want man’s advice, and I need man’s approval, but this journey is my own…Now I live and I breathe for an audience of one, now I live and I breathe for an audience of one. Now I live and I breathe for an audience of one, ’cause I know this journey is my own…” What I hear in your words is a woman who is seeking God’s approval, knowing the cost may be that she loses the approval of some people. You may feel like a lone voice out there. But be encouraged that as you are vulnerably educating and sharing with us, we will be better equipped to stand with you on behalf of the smallest of babies.
Thank you for showing me how it’s done… sharing truth with love and grace.
Be encouraged today.
Thank you for taking the risks you did in posting this. Your courage inspires me.
Also, I want to tell you that I relate to your brokenness over regrets. I have regrets too. We all do, if we’re honest. I’m glad you didn’t let the fear of making a mistake with words or the fear of being misunderstood stop you from sharing. I can see how fear would want to attack you as you share publicly. Fear plays on genuine humility and says “You know you are not perfect. Now everyone’s going to know. You may make a mistake and many people will see your regrets or hear you make a wrong word choice…” I am blessed because you choose not to listen to fear, but to God. I’m so glad you love Him.
Joni
p.s. don’t know what “your comment is awaitin moderation” means. I’m new to technology
i love seeing affirmations being sent with such love to my sister. my heart is smiling. 🙂