httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jO1aMvcIx_g

I have heard many versions of Hallelujah over the years but to date, this is my favorite.? There was one line that stood out to me as I listened to it this morning:

“It doesn’t matter which you heard – the holy or the broken hallelujah”.

Makes me think of Amy Grant’s new song? “Beautiful the mess we are the honest cries of broken hearts are better than a hallelujah sometimes…”

I am broken hearted and there has been no hallelujah in me.?? Sometimes in our sadness we find there are layers upon layers upon layers of grief.? Sometimes all those layers get so intermingled we find we are grieving far more than the first cause and the process of unsorting can be brutal.

But still, in keeping the main thing the main thing, God and I end up right back at a crucial point in our discussion.? What do I trust Him with in my life?? In my family’s life?? Who do I trust Him with and how much do I trust Him?? When do sadness and grief cross over into mistrust?? Grief is honest but when does it become unfaithful?

I hate change.? I feel a wind of it heading my direction and I am not liking it.? In fact, I am kicking and screaming into it but I can’t stop the forward motion of it.?? It isn’t just one thing – it is a storm of things that I see on the horizon.? I watch the way circumstances bleed into one another and from the perspective of the long sited looker – it looks like a tornado to me.

I sat at the kitchen table with Jim last night (as he was cleaning out his paint ball gun quite meticulously) and I poured out my heart on many different topics.?? Explained the details of the threads of my life that held things together and how the unraveling of those threads was creating a bit of an identity crisis.???? As happens in the course of a life, it is never (or rarely) one set of circumstances that result in such crisis – it’s the blending of several that form this whirlpool together and threaten to take you under.? My sweet husband rarely understands me.? We process so differently and he often watches me in utter fascination.? Last week we celebrated our 16th anniversary and as much as we adore one another, we aren’t much closer to understanding how the other one ticks.? Not really.? It will always be the great mystery for us and I think we both have an appreciation for that.? But we trust one another and I saw that in his eyes.? His soft nods as he worked away and gentle words let me know that he heard me.? I was able to sleep after that.

I am so thankful to have him – to have had him for sixteen years.? To share in these seasons of life with him – to have someone that you have such confidence in that you can spill out the really deep places of your heart and have love eyes look back at you and gentle nods of understanding – it helps you gather your courage.

And then God and I resume our conversation again.? He says the same thing over and over in my heart.? He says “I am Redeemer.? I am YOUR Redeemer”.? And I offer up a broken hearted hallelujah.?? And again I commit…

“I’ll stand before the Lord of Song
With nothing on my tongue but Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah “