I have been telling people for years that I have a Kumquat tree in my backyard.? Nope.? Did some research today and found out that I have a PERSIMMON tree in my yard. :)? Fuya maybe?? Anyone know anything about persimmons?? Jim brought one in for me to try (the birds have always eaten them in years past and as you can see – there isn’t much to the little tree to begin with).? I LOVED IT.? I think they taste like a firm buttered apricot (more like an apple texture).? Tanner says cinnamon apples.? A website I read says cantaloupe.

The strange thing of it is though, the descriptions that I read online don’t seem to match my tree.?? Facts are:

1.? They grow in climates with mild summers – NOPE

2.? They ripen at first frost – uh yah – like we get frost anytime here much less in Sept and Oct.

3.? They are very bitter and some people consider them unedible – NOPE.? I thought they were delicious.? NO tartness or sour to them at all.? Firm texture.? They do leave a bit of a coating in your mouth that maybe could be considered a tiny bit bitter in the aftertaste but I react a bit weird to a lot of raw fruit so that could just be me.

4.? They are supposedly ripe when they are soft.? These were NOT soft and they were perfect.

They are often called “Fruit of the Gods” and I think I know why – a new favorite!? I am a little worried though that this bunch is a weird fluke of nature never to be repeated again because they just don’t line up with what I am reading.? Exactly what kind of persimmons are they?? I want more!!!?? I am going to baby that tree next season!

Update:? Grammy, Sweetie and Aunt Becky driving to my house right now to taste because they don’t believe I could possibly have persimmons because persimmons do not taste like what I am describing (according to them).? We’ll just see about that…

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Setting:? Ty doing his flashmaster (see www.flashmaster.com – very cool gadget) and fussing a bit over poor scores.

Tori:? “Ty!? You cwy wike a wittle baby!”

LOL!? Oh my girl.? She is so funny and so practical.? She calls it like she sees it (and mama usually agrees with her assessment of things too).

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Yesterday was not fun.?? Newsflash – homeschooling is not a bowl of perfect persimmons everyday.

My girlfriend Erin rescued me from the pits when she returned a call to me five minutes after Tanner and I had sat in my recliner with tears streaming down both of our faces.? I love having a community of friends and family who dive into the hard stuff of life with you without criticisms and condemnation.? Just loving and listening.? I had only called Erin initially to ask her one simple little business question and then boy did she get an earful from me.? I had to talk my way through it and poor Erin got to be the sounding board.? But it helped.? Tanner and I both survived the day.

I want to talk honestly about this because I get asked a lot of questions about homeschooling and I think people need to make decisions on this topic after being well informed.? IT IS HARD.? It can be so frustrating some days that you scream – literally.? Okay…maybe YOU don’t scream…but I did.? Yesterday.? And then I cried.

If I was teaching at a public school and had a class full of 30 students, I would do the best I could but would essentially teach to the masses in the learning style of the class average.? Teachers have no choice.? It isn’t physically possible to teach to the individual styles of every child.

When you are teaching your kids at home though, the benefit to them is that you CAN cater to their learning styles.? The difficult part though is that in all likelihood, their learning styles will (a) all be different and (b) be completely different than yours!? Wow can this be frustrating.

I was an A student.? I graduated with a 4.17 grade average.? I didn’t struggle in school.??? In a strange way, that little fact has worked to my detriment.? In the first place, I have trouble with patience because I can’t get why they “don’t get it”.? In the second place, I don’t always know how to cater to what they need.? I have a lot to learn.

Yesterday Tanner and I were working on cursive.? He was practicing a lower case e.? I thought his e was looking way too wide and I (nicely) suggested he close the loop a bit.? I? repeated this instruction on the next three attempts.? I did not care a bit that the es were too wide.? As the teacher though, I was trying to give counsel on how to improve.? Even though my voice was calm and there wasn’t any obvious criticism in my tone, Tanner started beating himself with the performance stick (as usual).? If you tell Tanner that anything is less than perfect, he crumbles.? So every e got worse and worse.? Then the whimpering.? Then the wining.? Then the “I can’t do it”….blah blah blah…

So we changed subjects and moved onto writing.? I gave him his dictation sentence.? Then I gave it to him again.? And again.? And again.? And again.? And again.? Just keep repeating that.? He couldn’t hold more than two words in his head.? My frustration was mounting and now my tone is changing.? Each time I had to repeat it, the bubbles in the simmering pot were getting bigger and bigger.? Then Tanner couldn’t spell the word “us”.?? He spelled it “hus”.? Then he just looked at me like he had no idea in the world how anyone would know how to spell the word “us”.?? Through clenched teeth now, I spell US.?? Seconds later he couldn’t spell “slim”.? S…L…A…?????? AAAAHHHHH!!!!!!? COME ON!

The reason my temper was flaring quickly was because I have been through this over and over with Tanner.? One little incident (like the wide loop on a cursive e) will shut him down to the point that he can’t think his way out of the box he created.?? My (very mature) way of handling this is to lose my temper.? Clearly the real problem is that I am angry at what I CAN”T do and I am a performer too.? I can’t for the life of me figure out how to get Tanner back on the rails when minor failures derail his train.

I am ashamed to say the whole episode went further south because mama lost control of her mouth in a fit of utter and complete frustration with this ongoing issue.? I was saying things like “GIVE ME? A BREAK!? YOU ARE IN THE FOURTH GRADE AND YOU DON’T KNOW HOW TO SPELL US???? YOU DO KNOW HOW TO SPELL IT!? SOUND IT OUT FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!? DO YOU KNOW THAT OTHER KIDS IN THE FOURTH GRADE HAVE TO WRITE A WHOLE LOT MORE THAN YOU ARE HAVING TO? and on and on and on…

All the while, I was saying to myself “DONI SHUT UP.? Don’t say another word.? Walk away.? Don’t say anything you can’t take back or will regret.? You are the problem.? You are 37 not 9.?? Love your baby.”?? But I didn’t listen to me.? I kept talking.? I talked til tears were streaming down my face.?? Then I felt worse because I knew that I had just increased my child’s burden by ten fold because now it was likely he would think that his failure to spell a word correctly made me cry.? Guilt….shame…grief….crash…crash…crash….

I sat in the chair, asked him to come sit with me.? I told him I was sorry.? That I was wrong.? That I never care how much he gets wrong, I just want him to try and not give up.? I told him that I love him more than anything and I want to spend my day – every day with him because I think he is amazing.?? Then I wondered if I should quit homeschooling.

Then Erin called.

As the afternoon went on, I chatted with God about the whole thing.?? These days it seems like I know so little.? So many questions and not knowing yet the one thing that I do keep hearing in my spirit is that I am to love like He loves.? I don’t know what to “DO” about so many things but I am confident in that one so I have been trying to keep that at the forefront of my thinking as it applies to EVERYTHING (and it does apply to everything).

I realized that the heart of the battle lies between the war of two brutal performance issues – Tanner’s and mine.? While we are very different in personality, we do share this particular struggle.? We HATE to fail.? When I fail, I get mad first.?? When Tanner fails, he gets sad first.? I could have just spared you all the gory details and said that at the very beginning.? 🙂

Does Tanner have the ability to perform to his own expectations?? Probably not.? I certainly don’t.? So what then?? How do I teach my nine year old how to do something that at 37 I don’t have a handle on yet?? This issue haunts me and I don’t want it to haunt him.

What in the world do I “do” though?? On the one hand I want to say chuck it all and just try not to tip his boat with any criticism (constructive or otherwise).?? This is partly selfish though because I am afraid of my own failures when his boat does tip.? On the other hand, I want him to find a way out of the performance trap.? I want that for him MORE than I want him to have a “good” education.? I want freedom for my son.

Yesterday I kept repeating John to myself.? “When the Son has set you free – you are free indeed”. (John 8:36)

I find my freedom when I live in the center of what I know to be true.? He loves me.? I can fail.? He loves me.? I don’t have to get it right.? He loves me.? I don’t have to BE right or DO right.? He loves me.

Is this what I am teaching Tanner?? Well it sure the heck wasn’t yesterday.??? I manipulated Tanner with my anger and my tears.? That is naughty stuff.?? I am so sorry that my performance issues bled over onto my precious firstborn child.

In my path of seeking freedom I have stopped the “doing” but how do I raise my children?? I have thrown my christian list of step by step how one raises a perfect Godly child out the freakin window.??? But now what??? God now what?? Over and over I ask this.? When I put Tori to bed last night I just stared into her beautiful black eyes and I asked God again “now what?”.

It occurred to me during my ponderings that I was undermining the very thing I hold the dearest.? Relationships.? I want my children to get a decent education – I do – but NOT at the expense of my relationship with them.? God forbid – not that!??? I could throw myself on the ground and weep right now at the very thought of educating them and then losing them because I crushed their spirits in my driven obsessions.??? What if they remember how to spell “us” and “slim” and write perfect “es” and then say how glad they were to turn 18?

What is it I really want to accomplish with keeping them home?? If it were just for my sake, I would have to question my motives.

Here is a short list of what I want:

*? I want to delight in my time with them.?? It’s going by too fast.

*? I want to give them the benefit of personalized teaching that caters to THEIR need.

*? I want to give them the gift of time.

*? I want to give them the gift of delight directed learning.

*? I want to give them the opportunity to invest their time in the gifts God gave to them and not major in the minors with subjects that are not their strength or passion.

*? I want them to have time to play.

*? I want to give them the gift of shared experiences.? Visits to zoos, and museums, and the chocolate factory, and the fair…etc.

*? I want to assist them in finding answers to the questions THEY care to ask.

*? I want them to love one another and have the opportunity to invest in lifetime relationships with their siblings.

*? I want to teach them some subjects that are important to our family.

*? I want them to learn to fail with grace and I want to learn it right along side them.

*? I want to live loved and I want them to live loved.

This and more are the things I absolutely cherish about schooling them at home.

Daniel and I talked on the phone for an hour and a half last night.?? I gave him the rundown of the day and then we spent a lot of time talking through Delight Directed Learning and Unschooling.? Concepts that make a whole lot of sense to me.??? The public schools do get the job done (for some kids) in their own way but I happen to be one of those people that don’t subscribe to their system of doing things.? I “get” that many of their approaches are necessary for the dynamics they have but since I am teaching at home, I have the blessing of not being saddled with their baggage.?? Catering an education to the specific strengths and passions of MY child – now that makes sense.

In the small picture, I took the conversation with Daniel and changed my lesson plan today.? Instead of doing our typical writing assignment, we made a list of 10 topics that Tanner might find interesting.? I then taught him what an outline is (because my Dad taught me that at a young age and it made all the difference in the world to me).? Tomorrow we will use it to write our narration on a topic that HE found interesting.? (We wanted to know about our persimmon tree.? Okay so maybe that one was a bit selfish but he was curious too.? :)? Tanner wrote beautiful es today and was anxious to start research on our list.?? As I learn more and more who Tanner is, I can bend his education in a way that delights him and that is what I so hope to do.

In the big picture, I don’t have the answers yet so I have to (as Heidi would say) just “do the next thing”.? The only step I have figured out is for me to live loved and let that spill over onto Tanner.??? I really don’t know what the “next thing” is in terms of helping Tanner to accept his failures but God knows and Tanner belongs to God first.? So today I wrap both me and my little boy up in a beautifully decorated box and I hand us over to our Abba.?? He doesn’t care how “us” is spelled.? He spells it “I AM”.