Lately when I have been talking or writing about my little high maintenance boy, I have been concerned that my emotions aren’t presenting accurately. Yes Ty is hard work for various reasons BUT he is also my joy. He has these eyes that you get lost in and to look at him makes your heart swell with love. He is wonderfully determined, and he actually listens really well, he loves people more than things, he loves interaction and he wants you to notice all the things he does well, he has a sensitive side to him to. He loves to laugh and is a very very happy little guy. He doesn’t cry much but he is a screamer. He simply raises his voice loud enough to shake the house off the foundations when somebody is not doing what he wants, when he wants, how he wants – he is at the demanding age and he would rule as supreme monarch if anyone let him (which we do NOT). He is powerful by personality and I think his blend of confidence, determination and sensitivity is going to generate a man like few have known…if he grows up and allows God to own His heart. My heart is counting on that. That is my prayer for both my boys every day.
And Tanner? My heart smiles every morning to look upon his face. Tanner who has such a sensitive spirit but a secure nature. Tanner who is quite shy but who loves people. Tanner who is displaying a heart for God at only 4. He is kind, obedient (VERY obedient), full of life and love, tireless in play (just like his daddy), very good strategist, likes order and to be prepared, prefers the calm instead of the chaos, quite stubborn, very secure in who he is and able to give.
Over the last several weeks I have had this resurfacing thought. Many people that have been in my situation, wouldn’t say what I am about to. Even Jim would not. It’s a matter of perspective and mine is probably not the norm. Here it is:
Infertility is one of the very greatest blessings of my life.
I said this to Jim one day and he wasn’t able to word it that way. While he agrees that God brought about the greatest blessings of our life THROUGH infertility, infertility itself contained too much pain and heartache to call IT a blessing.
For me though, the benefits outweigh the heartache by so much that I bear no anomyosity towards the word anymore. In my heart, it is a title I can wear proudly, like a battle scar that gained me much, that freed me.
Tanner and Ty are the most obvious gifts of infertility but there are others. Here is a short non exhaustive list:
1. I gained precious friends who I would not have been able to bond to in the same way otherwise.
2. I learned mountains of lessons about sovereignty
3. God took from me what I thought I wanted the most, to give to me what I needed the most..and He was right.
4. All the losses ripped my heart apart but it taught me about grief and compassion. Lessons that were very necessary for my spiritual growth.
5. It was good for my marriage. Jim really IS my knight in shining armor. He had to learn how to comfort when he could not fix. I had to learn to grieve and still give. We are a much stronger unit because of suffering together.
6. God used infertility to create a platform for ministry. I have been able to serve Him BETTER because of the heartache. He has allowed me the opportunity to minister through crisis pregnancy counseling, speaking to birthmom’s, speaking to potential adoptive families, and I have had the rare priveledge of speaking up for life on the world’s stage. I would not have had these opportunities had God not prepared me in the way that He did.
7. God removed from the opportunity for physical reproduction but still allowed me to contribute to spiritual reproduction with my children – which is by far the more precious gift. To be allowed even a small part in the spiritual path that my children take is an honor.
It is as though I was handed this really ugly present handwrapped in brown wrinkled paper. Layer after layer the ugliness continued and I wondered why a God that loved me would have invested so little in this gift. Each ugly box contained another ugly box within. Each held sorrow, grief, and disappointment. The smaller box within should have held hope but with each disappointment, the boxes began to taunt me. There would be nothing but grief within. After many rounds of this, I unburied a teeny tiny box just as ugly as the rest. When I opened it though…there was a treasure deep. A jewel so bright it’s light could have only come from the hand of the eternal one.
The best part about this treasure is that it taught me to look at ugly brown boxes differently. I approach them with hesitancy because I know they WILL contain heartache. I also have learned that God does not pack boxes in brown paper if they don’t have a treasure deep within.
God…I stand in awe of you.
5 responses to “Treasure Deep”
Thanks, Doni, for posting this. I really needed this reminder today.
Mary – part of my hesitancy in saying this is realizing that many women suffering infertility would not feel the same. I didn’t come to this place quickly. Even after Ty was born there were many days of mourning my infertility. My boys are my greatest joy but no doubt life would have been easier if they had been born my genetic children. Adoption has its complications – no denying that. For this reason, the “ease” in which other people got pregnant was still really hard for me even after having both boys. My heart has been changing on this lately though because something inside of me needs to embrace the pain and revel in the beauty it brought instead of fighting it. Might there be times in the future where I still have heartbroken moments over losses? Maybe. I am not in that place right now though and I can honestly say that in my heart – infertility has transformed into the “Phoenix” – the beauty that rose from the ashes. It is no longer my enemy but the hidden treasure in the ugly wrapping.
If there are women battling infertility right now who simply CANNOT relate to what I have written…please understand…this was a long process. Two years ago I couldn’t have dreamed of being in this place and I still thought the word was one of the most bitter in the english language. God has a way of bringing our hearts around full circle though and this is a battle that I think the Lord has progressively been helping me to lay down.
“Infertility is one of the very greatest blessings of my life.”
And mine too. I cannot think, fathom or imagine not having the three precious ones I have now.
Infertility was just the symptom; adoption, is the cure. 🙂
God’s way – not man’s – will always be “beauty for ashes” “to be first, be last” “But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong.” God’s currency is certainly not ours…but the beauty that comes from not only accepting but embracing His choices for us so far surpass our meager “wants” to His glorious “gifts!” How we thank the Lord for more gifts than we ever imagined, more beauty then we can behold, more love than we will ever understand. I stand with you to loudly proclaim, “GOD, I STAND IN AWE OF YOU!”
Doni-I have not kept up with your family lately, and for that I am sorry. I so enjoy reading what is going on with you and your blessings. I also struggled with infertility, and also can see such blessings from that struggle! In my case, God blessed me with 3 perfect children, all biological. But for 3 years, my heart broke, and my soul cried every month, no, daily! I felt that the reason God placed me on this earth was to mother children. How dare He give me such a desire for them, and not give me the children? After nearly three years of ttc, and many doctor visits, I was talking and praying with my mom one afternoon. I was finally able to admit how angry I was with God. How I loved but also hated Him. Just thinking of it now makes me cry. He was doing what was best for my husband and me, but we couldn’t see it. I was so bitter and angry. After I was able to admit that and cry, rant and rave. My mom just held me and cried with me. Then she started praying. She gave words to my anger, and also healing. God blessed me through my mom. I was so scared to admit that I was angry with God, but anger is ok…the Bible even tells us of God’s anger. After that afternoon, I was again able to pray out of love, not just need. And then, less than two months later my miracle. I found out I was pregnant! Even more amazing, I hadn’t even taken the chlomid yet!!!
Now, just over 6 years later, and I have three miracles (all taking naps now!! Oh, so quiet!!!) that I thank God for every day. Infertility is a blessing, I just could not see it at the time. But, like you, God has worked wonders through suffering. As a pastor’s wife, so many women have come to me when they are suffering though fertility issues. I make it no secret what we went through. I feel that God let us experience it so that we can be more compassionate and loving to others who are undergoing similar problems and trials. Thank you for your post and reminding me what a blessing the pain can be.
Blessings to you-
Andie Prochnow