Last week I wrote all about “the” house. How I walked in to simply say hello to Aunt Joan – and then ended up falling in love with the house she was showing. The next few days caused some crisis thinking for me. I kept asking myself “Did God show me this house on purpose or do I just want it?” Here is where fear would start to set in. I am very black and white by nature and I get really uncomfortable when God pushes me out of my zone. My thought process was this:

A few scenarios exist here:

1. God wants me to move either to this house or another one.

2. God is wanting to “gift” me with THIS house – just because of who He is. He just wants to bless. I don’t deserve it but he loves to give to His kids and he just wants to.

3. God does not intend for me to move but this process is character building:)

4. This has nothing to do with God. I just saw house – liked it – wanted it.

Now how in the world do you decipher what is the accurate scenario? Well I don’t exactly know either and that was the problem. So this led to all kinds of conversations with myself trying to get it all worked out in my mind. During these self conversations I isolated a character issue that I have. I tend to be the type of person who does the right things for wrong reasons as opposed to the wrong things for right reasons (best scenario is right things for right reasons of course). The house is a good case in point. Being that I am a budget natzi, increasing my mortgage is terrifying. To my way of thinking, if it is fiscally smarter to stay in our smaller home with a manageable mortgage as oppossed to pushing some limits on mortgage – than the obvious answer is to not be a risk taker. (We can afford the mortgage but it makes the budget really tight and I hate that). At the end of these conversations I determine that any extra spending is irresponsible and ungrateful and therefore sin. Oops now I have a problem. God gave me my children using Home Equity Lines:). I used credit on my house to pay for kids. Does my same earlier theory apply? Hmmmm….. Well do I believe that God did indeed intend to gift me with my kids? Of course I do. So I went back and forth finding my own inconsistencies in every argument. Here is where the truth was. I don’t like to take risks because it creates fear. I end up thinking that if my decision had any portion of irresponsibility attached than when things go sour and I go bankrupt, than I will know that is God allowing terrible consequence for my poor choice. So I make a “right” decision for a wrong reason. It is no longer about wanting to truly obey God but about just wanting to avoid consequence. I’d rather the motivation be the former.

Now, there is someone else in my life who I won’t name that is the opposite of me. He is a major risk taker (in my opinion) and generally speaking I would not make the same types of decisions. Over a year ago a decision was made and I was highly skeptical about it and he said that he believed God wanted to bless him. I was thinking “why do you bank on God’s blessing when the decision itself doesn’t appear to be a very responsible one”. I didn’t ask this question but I know what he would have said. He would have told me that He just trusted the Lord to work it out. I would have disagreed because my legalism say’s that you can’t take risks and than hold God responsible for fixing.

Well guess what. He did get what he desired and is doing just fine:). So I was comparing his situation to mine and I was wondering why he was so at peace and I wasn’t. I think the answer is that he tends to do what may be “wrong” things but for RIGHT reasons. I have never seen him make decisions out of rebellion against the Lord. He sincerely petitions the Lord. He just trusts that if his decision is unwise, that God will cover Him mercifully and He banks on God being his loving daddy. For the record, he has had some prices to pay. Sometimes things did not work out well. He doesn’t look at those situations though and say “Oh – I sinned. God punished me.” He say’s – God carried me through a really tough spot. Some may say that is not being accountable but if you knew the situations and the person I think you would agree that it isn’t about him not being accountable it is about a deep faith that just trusts his daddy so he doesn’t waste him time worry about all the things that he might do wrong. He isn’t worried about consequence so much because his spirit is never one of rebellion. He realizes consequence could come from unwise decisions but they aren’t the kind of consequences that result from rebellion and defiance in God. God, as daddy, allows for natural consequence but He also shields and covers with great grace.

I am starting to cry writing this because there is much more to this than I really intend to write about but it’s really having a “settling in” effect on my heart. My conclusion? It is time for me to learn to be a risk taker. Not the kind that blows caution to the wind as an excuse to be unwise. The kind that say’s I am not going to be afraid of the one who loves me. If I am trying to make good decisions, I will allow myself room for failure because if I am not being defiant and rebellious, God will cover me. Folks, I am such a legalist that scares me to write it. I could argue and argue that and part of me wants to but the reality is God is showing me over and over that He wants me to rest and abide and TRUST in Him. I think we SHOULD be concerned about the consequences of our decisions HOWEVER we need to approach that concern with a right heart attitude. Here’s why – my method resulted in me consistently worrying that God wouldn’t protect me. Protect me from myself. I don’t bank on God’s grace ENOUGH. I don’t write this as an excuse for sin. Go ahead and sin and God will cover. That is NOT what I am saying. I am saying that my legalism gives me an excuse to be AFRAID. I wish I would always do the right thing for the right reason but for right now, I’ll settle for doing the wrong thing for the right reason. Why? Because God judges my heart and I am learning to trust that He will cover me. I discover more and more about who He really is and how deep His love and mercy is and it makes me want to bank ON HIM and sometimes…that means really putting yourself out there and taking a risk because YOU BELIEVE that He is leading you.

Where am I going with all of this?

MY HOUSE SOLD IN FOUR HOURS ON MONDAY!!!!!!!

All papers have been signed on both ends. Closing date for our buyers is Feb 22nd. Closing date for us as buyers of our new house is Feb 22nd.

There are a whole lot of reasons I could list for being concerned about buying a new house with a higher mortgage but HOW DARE I GO THERE!!!! God has shown me each day that He is moving. In this market you do not sell your house in 4 hours unless God divinely intervened. Last year – yes. This year – no.

Earlier in the week Darin called me to discuss this. He was very concerned that there was NO way we were going to sell the house by (guess what date Feb 22nd). Feb 22nd was the date the sellers gave us to SELL our house (we didn’t have to close till the end of March – interesting that our CLOSING date happens to be Feb 22nd). None of us thought it was likely that we would sell in this market in 3 weeks. Darin had a whole string of ideas about how I could increase our odds. When he was done with his pitch:), I said “Darin – I hear what you are saying but here is the deal. This whole thing is a long shot anyway. I wasn’t looking to buy. The house was shown to me. I didn’t want to move from this area. It’s down the street. I had a list of needs – this house met them. My house is not likely to sell in time. The buyer is not likely to accept our contingency offer. Someone is likely to bump us. Interest will likely go up….the list goes on. There is no way we are getting this house unless God has already determined to just give it to me. I am not going to stack the odds. I will just do the normal thing and watch and wait each day and see what He intends to do. I need it to be obvious to feel secure about this anyway so if the house doesn’t sell – I have my answer.” Then Darin say’s “Okay but IF your house does end up selling by Feb 22nd than I am going to wonder why God loves you more than me!” (LOL. Darin and Jodi had their house on the market 90 days and just removed it).

So Monday at noon it went onto the MLS system and before 4:00 there was a realator in my front yard letting me know that an offer would be written that evening. He wanted to know if I had any other offers yet:). I laughed.

Now a deal is never done until you are all moved in of course but so far all ducks are in order and nobody’s quacking about anything;). From what I have seen so far, it leaves little doubt in my heart that God does intend to give me this gift. That has taken away the fear and in it’s place given me greater joy. It isn’t really about the house. It’s about God. I am certainely excited about the house but I am moved to tears over “the gift” straight from His hand. This home will always be a “God” marker for me and as a woman who tends to bond to houses, I may never want to leave it for exactly that reason. He is beckoning me to just simply trust Him. No – not just trust Him. Live loud with courageous and even AGGRESSIVE faith. Faith that is bold, unwavering and unitimidated. Faith that say’s God IS in control and the whole thing will work out for my good and for His purpose because I belong to Him and He is the daddy of all daddy’s. And He is mine.

And to my brother….

God does not love me more than you. It seems He is simply saying “Go” to me and “Whoa” to you. Remember though, the “Whoa’s” that have occured in my life resulted in my most precious gifts – Tanner and Ty. You have absolutely nothing to be afraid of.