This week you turned five! Bittersweet for mommy. Each day I see you growing and blossoming into the man you will become. It is fascinating for me and I am beyond priveledged to witness this journey for you. Each day I also see you getting closer to your independence and I want to slow our walk. You have been holding my hand and cuddling me more often lately and I wonder if you sense the changes too. You have been quick to remind me of all the things you will be able to do when you are “five” and I enjoy watching your excitement. There are tears too though. Tonight I cried myself silly in the rocking chair. I was thinking about how fast the last five years have gone by. If I multiply that short span only two more times, you will already be a teenager. Tanner that nearly takes my breath away. I can’t say all this to you now but someday you will read this, when you are a daddy, and you will understand why I was so slow to acquiese to the changes in your life…and in mine.

Do you know how much I admire you? Even at 5 I look at you with wonder in my eyes. You are thoughtful and so eager to please. Your eyes shine when you know you did a “good job” and you give me this little look. This look that say’s “Yep – I am good” and then you use your fingers to fire off a little celebration shot to me with your attempt at a wink. It goes straight to my heart everytime. You are also very practical and methodical – just like your daddy. You have made it your job to keep me on task and you know when I am at risk (as in questioning my driving decisions LOL).

This week you were singing a Go Fish song in the back of the car. It was so incredible to hear you sing a song with such proclamation. Because I know you, I felt the words really were the echo of your little heart. The song was “Be That Way” and the chorus say’s:

“I want to be the way that you want me to be. I want to hear you say that your so proud of me. I want to do the things that you want me to do. Oh Lord I want to be just like you.”

I can’t tell you son what season of plenty was growing in my heart when I heard that melody escape from your lips. I didn’t dare look back at you for fear you would stop singing. Instead tears made their familiar trail down mama’s face.

Tanner there has been something deeply impressed upon my heart lately. Most mommy’s are very preoccupied with their kids having a “happy” life. Son – my prayer for you is not a happy life. My prayer is a happy eternity. I dream bigger than that for you. I want God to do whatever it takes in your life and in mine to make us people that are just like Jesus. I don’t know any way to avoid pain on that journey. If I would have had you at a younger age, I would have not have had the courage to pray this for you. My fear of pain would have robbed me of the courageous experience of laying you at His feet. Because I experienced much pain first – before the gift of you – God taught me about His goodness and how He prevails before, beside, between, beneath and behind the trials all the while creating a work of art. I know He can be trusted. I know He can be trusted with you.

When we pray at night, I make sure that I say this out loud. I am hoping that if you hear me surrender you to Jesus over and over that you will be less afraid of the outcomes. Tanner if you live a “happy” life without much trial you may never know His heart the way you would have otherwise. Everything in my flesh wants me to erase these words because my heart doesn’t want any suffering for you but son, if it is suffering that will produce Godly character and leads to hope, than I abandon all fleshly reason and submit to what I know – God is good. I want both of my children to see life with eternal eyes. I want you to understand that your purpose is to live true to your calling – children of a great and mighty King. Children born to glorify God above all else. This life is just a moment Tanner. It is short and fleeting. As I told you last week, God made you both flesh and spirit and he will reunite your spirit with a perfected body someday – a body that will be very “Tanner”. He is preparing a brand new earth for His kids (Rev 21 and 22) and He dreams big for all that He will gift us with. Can you imagine walking through the New Jerusalem and seeing pride in the Father’s eyes when He approaches you? In this moment son you have this precious time to make your life a living testimony. THAT is what matters. Every act of service done for HIS sake – for pure and true humble heart love FOR HIM – lasts for eternity. The bible say’s that your service for Him now, dictates your responsibility later. It isn’t the kind of responsibility that has a heavy burden attached. When we live with Jesus, He will have removed suffering and pain and we will be serving Him with passion that we can’t comprehend today. I want you to see pride in His eyes Tanner. No one can ever or will ever love you more than He does. Not ever. Your mama wants you to reciprocate great love because I want your relationship with Him to be intimate. I don’t want you to settle for less. I don’t want you to want only the “good life”. I want you to reach for the highest goal – intimacy with your God. I want the looks and expressions that are shared between you to be full of a lifetime of good memories. I want you to serve at all cost because that relationship will gain you all blessing.

Tanner my hearts prayer is that I can model “life is ministry” in such a way that you understand the outcomes and you desire Jesus above all else.

Lately I have been afraid because my calling to ministry feels like it “costs” you something. God called mommy and daddy to a small church where we must serve and not be served. That means that we don’t have all the programs and studies and curriculums available for you that we would have liked. Mommy has been crying to Jesus over this and asking Him how I can give to you while giving to others. I am afraid of “the price” in your life. I am also realizing though that throwing every resource available under the sun your direction does nothing to change your heart. It is my role to lead and guide and train and model. I am equipped for that because Papa and Sweetie did that for me. This is what “Life is Ministry” means Tanner. It means sacrifice and service. I am choosing to place my faith in Christ to cover you. He knows exactly what you need and I am only guessing. When you told Sweetie last week that you were going to be a Christian someday, God used that moment to confirm His sovereignty to my heart. In that moment, I knew He was working. I knew He was covering. I knew He was leading your little heart and speaking in your ear with a voice that you could hear. I asked Him to do this. I beg Him to do this. He is faithful. Why ever am I afraid?

I can’t write in words what a gift God gave me in you. I try to tell you but the magnitude of it can’t be expressed. When I see you though I see love. God’s love for me. On the day of your birth I know God was excited to see my expression. He wanted me to admire you. You are His craftsmanship. You don’t belong to me – you belong to Him but everyday, your eyes remind me of how much He loves me. All good gifts come from Him and you daily personify that.

I believe with all my heart that you will have a good life Tanner. Not because it is necessarily “happy” though…because I believe that you are going to know Him and know Him well. Where your heart is there will your treasure lie. I promise you son that I will continue pleading on your behalf for the rest of my life. I know that God will chase you always and I will be relentless in pleading before His feet for you. I will ask Him to give you the gift of passion. Passion for Him. If you have that son, you will live under His wing. What better home could I wish for you?

Happy Birthday precious son.

Love beyond measure for you Tanner….

Mommy-