God is in control of the drama of my life.
God is in control of the drama of my life.
God is in control of the drama of my life.
God is in control of the drama of my life.
God is in control of the drama of my life.
God is in control of the drama of my life.
God is in control of the drama of my life.
Last night when I went to bed I said this over and over. I was so emotionally drained that I went to bed at 9:00 only to stare at the ceiling with visions of all the times Ty has stopped breathing on me. I replayed yesterday’s incident over and over in my mind and knew that it was God that intervened because I did nothing to make Ty breathe even though I was trying all I knew to do. I want that to comfort me. I want to cling to that but I have to admit, in the moment I am consummed by the fear of “what if” and in the aftermath I berate myself for all the things that could have happened that I didn’t know how to stop. I ended up back on the couch crying until 11:00 making Jim listen to my ranting and raving about all the things I could and could NOT cope with. I don’t ever want another oxygen deprived Ty image in my head as long as I live. He is 2.5 and still we have repeated scares for one reason or another. I could kick and scream and cry about this all day but it would do no good. So instead I keep repeating the above statement over and over and over. I realize that most people get really used to the drama in our life with Ty and it has become the norm. Don’t make the false assumption of thinking it is the norm for the mommy though. These incidents stay with me. They haunt me and rob me of sleep. They spur on depression that I have to fight back. That’s probably why Jim got an earful last night. I needed someone to sit there and hear me say THIS IS NOT ALL RIGHT! I thought I was loosing my baby again today and nothing I was doing was stopping it!!!!
I just left a message for the neuro and hope he will call back soon about last week’s test. I just want to know and get past that. I have to go get kids ready for Ty’s OT now. Please pray that I will find myself in a place of just resting in God. I think I am fighting that today and clinging more to anxiety which doesn’t benefit me one bit. I guess one moment of holding a limp baby in the kitchen can really set your world back and I have to fight the temptation to just sit and sulk for a bit. I feel very sulky actually. So I guess I’ll say it again until it really sticks:
God is in control of the drama of my life.
God is in control of the drama of my life.
God is in control of the drama of my life.
God is in control of the drama of my life.
God is in control of the drama of my life.
God is in control of the drama of my life.
God is in control of the drama of my life.
God is in control of the drama of my life.
God is in control of the drama of my life.
God is in control of the drama of my life.
God is in control of the drama of my life.
God is in control of the drama of my life.
God is in control of the drama of my life.
5 responses to “Who Is In Control?”
Eyes welling… He is doni – oh HOW HE IS!!! He stepped in Doni –
Thank you Father for stepping in to help yesterday – thank you that YOU were there.
Father we know that now, after the traumatic event has past, you are still ever near. Show compassion and show Doni over and over and over how near you are until she can feel you close. Comfort, hold, heal, restore. Thank You for ALL you’ve DONE – thank you that you are not done yet but continue staying with us through all times. Help my sister through the emotions that follow the kind of trauma she’s repeatedly lived through – validate and heal too. Amen.
Doni, I’m praying for you and for Ty’s results today. I want the right words and they are just not coming. You said it perfectly, God is in control.
Hugs from Minnesota……..
In His Love
Missy
HUGS! From Alaska! I can’t even image what you are feeling but do know that we are all holding you while you are holding Ty. I am sure you also know that God is holding you as well. Gosh you will need a nice spa visit when Ty turns 18…lol I pray that you get some good news today.
Jere’
she might have to move into a spa by then. 🙂
I wish I could have been there to “hold you up.” I do promise to “LIFT you up.” I am going to steal your phrase. I so very much needed to read that today. Hang in there, friend.