There is nothing we can do to make God love us more.
There is nothing we can do to make God love us less.

Phillip Yancey

This morning in the shower the Lord and I had a heart to heart. I was telling Him that in evaluating my life thus far, I wasn’t loving Him to my fullest intent. My failures scream at me. I acknowledge grace but I want more – I want to be more. If you evaluated every part of my life, could my love for Christ be proven? Do my actions speak louder and if so is that a good thing or a bad thing? I know first hand that my actions do not match my heart intent. My heart desires Him but my day doesn’t always prove it. I get really tired of the sin struggle and sometimes I feel beaten down by it. I asked the Lord to help me love Him more fully. I told Him that if I could submit my free will I would. That wouldn’t be love though. How can I prove my love when in this continuous battle against my flesh? Paul wrote a lot about that subject and I appreciate it.

Sometimes in the course of a life you ask yourself if you are really ready to meet your maker? Where salvation is concerned, yes I am ready. I know I rest safely under the shadow of His wing and I have no fear for eternity. There are other things to consider though. Who would HE see?

I have been married for 12 years on Saturday. I love my husband more today than on September 16th 1994. That day at the altar was precious. We were young. We were in love. We were ready for a future together. I felt secure in my future with Jim. Twelve years ago though, our love had not been tested. We hadn’t faced infertility, financial scares, loss of children, threat of loss of children, special needs, and life…just the daily ups and downs of life. Today if I met Jim at the altar I would be a different bride. Not one who has just hope for the future. One who has confidence. It’s a different intimacy we share now. One that has stood the test of time and blossomed. We’ve been out on a limb together and that’s where the fruit was.

When I meet Jesus face to face I want it to be like that. I imagine that I will be on my face first in worship but when I do look in His eyes, I want to see His grace, His favor, I want there to be treasured memories between us and not just the heartache of my own disobedience. I want to be at the height of my spiritual maturity so that I may love Him better first.

Heavy topics on the heart today.

This week I had CA-125 blood test done (it is a cancer screen). My results came back abnormal. Not far out of range. Results should be under 21 and mine were 24. ONE of the reasons for an elevation in CA-125 is ovarian cancer but that isn’t the ONLY reason. While my Dr. does want me to have an ultrasound very soon to determine the cause of the abnormality, this test alone is not evidence of cancer. This is not going to keep me up nights and I don’t feel overly anxious about it. But as a fragile and frail simple human, it did make me wonder this morning if under the very worst of circumstances, I would be ready.

This afternoon I was reading a book beside the play pool while Tanner and Ty played. The quote I listed above jumped off the page at me. I knew God was talking.

I think many people live in anxiety over whether God will love them less if they are disobedient. I don’t have that worry. I have been raised under grace and I am secure in His love. I know that nothing I can do will separate me from the love of God. The issue I struggle with is what can I do to make God love me more. It wasn’t until I read that quote that I realized that this point is the center of the mark. “Nothing you can do will make God love you MORE”.

I think my attempt to always be better is centered on creating more and more intimacy between us. That isn’t a bad thing. It isn’t a bad thing IF the presumption is that He already loves me completely and could not love me more than He already does. If my presumption is that I could live my life in such a way that would cause Him to fall more in love with me, than I grow anxious because I don’t know how to hold up my end. I admit…just like the disciples I too want to be the “favorite”.

So what is this really all about? Is it about His love for me or my love for Him? Hmmmmmm…..

Often times we concentrate on not being motivated by fear. As Christians, we counsel one another to not live in love solely because we are afraid of wrath. But do we still give to get? Do we still love to be loved MORE? Takes the pressure off to realize that God’s love is perfect and He can’t increase His end because He already loves me fully.

I’ll have to pray about this more but today I hope that I will not love to be loved. I hope that I will learn to love in gratitude for being loved completely already. I still feel motivated to work at being more spiritually mature than I am today but I pray my motivation for this is pure.

Grace binds you with far stronger cords than the cords of duty or obligation can bind you. Grace is free, but when once you take it, you are bound forever to the Giver, and bound to catch the spirit of the Giver. Like produces like, grace makes you gracious, the Giver makes you give.
E. Stanley Jones