I start this post with a sigh. The post contains good news but frankly it doesn’t feel that way. So far, the biopsy did not reveal any cancer or pre cancer cells. I was expecting that news and was also glad to hear it.
The not good news is that the biopsy revealed that my uterine lining is in the process of breaking down. My hormones are “off” and are a major contributor to this. The Dr. said it could be a result of my endometreosis or it could be the start of premature ovarian failure. He said (a) it WOULD continue to worsen and (b) I WILL have a hysterectomy at some point because I will be miserable if I don’t. He wants me to do it NOW. He thinks I have (as I have said 100 times now) too many risk factors and since this situation isn’t going to improve the only question that remains is how long I want to stay miserable (and how long I was to wait all the while increasing my cancer risks).
I could deal with the physical symptoms but the emotional ones are wearing me out. When you feel “off” and weepy for 3 out of 4 weeks, overly tired, short fused, and mildly depressed for no outward reason….it wears on you. This has been going on for over a year and it just continues to get worse not better. I could try going on hormone therapy first but have decided NOT to do that. Bottom line is it would put me in the “birth control” situation and I would have to monitor my cycles and I am NOT about to add that kind of stress and grief to my life at this stage. No way. (If you don’t know what I am talking about, refer to my reference pages under Choose Life on birth control from my Home page)
I have written about 50 pro and con lists in my head and talked this over with my family and my husband, and everyone is in very solid agreement that a hysterectomy is the best course for me. Understand that this issue is not new to the females in my family. They have all “been there done that” and they know where it leads and where I don’t want to go. Sounds simple….but it isn’t.
I cried and cried to Jim one night about this. Usually I am such a rational person. I weigh issues out and the most rational and reasonable argument wins. For some reason, that is not working for me right now. The balance has been weighed and one side clearly outweighs the other but still…there is grief for me. It isn’t even a grief I can really explain. I do have some valid concerns and fears but they don’t outweigh the factors suggesting a H. is the best option.
Jim finally say’s “Honey. Have you ever known a schizophrenic to check themselves into a clinic?” I say “Jim what is your point?” (all the while knowing full well what his point was). He say’s “If you are struggling with your hormones being out of whack, and you are more emotional, how can you be trusted to make a non emotional decision?” That was soooooo Jim. I just layed there grinning because it was such a predictable response. And yes…I do get his point and maybe the very problem I am having is the same thing preventing me from making this decision….everything is just cloudy for me right now.
At this point I know what makes sense to do but I am just not able to committ to it yet. I am just praying that God will bring me peace about a decision one way or the other. At this point, neither option is giving me peace. I don’t know what to do and thinking about it is just making it worse. I am a major cry baby at the moment. I had to ask Aimee a question today about Zandi’s 3 year old pictures and by the time I was in her room sitting on her bed I said, “Before I ask you my question can we just sit here and cry for a little while?” Aimee wanted to know what we were crying about. I told her “nothing”. Only a woman would understand that answer.
11 responses to “Health Update”
Crying over “nothing” with you! I love you! God WILL give you peace!
i understand “nothing” – i felt that way today… as only a woman can. 🙂
however, i knew this was coming for you. do you remember before you knew quite as much as you know now – how calm and at peace you were? i feel like a good part of that was the Lord coveirng you and giving you the calm before the storm – gracious. sure, your hormones may make it harder to deal with depending at where you are in the fluctuation hormones give us women 😉 BUT that does not negate the fact that this would simply be hard to deal with on the best of days because there are SO many things connected to it for you. now, that may not be said well… but just know this… i’m validating you. 😉
i love you and am praying with you through the tears… the tears for nothing and the tears for everything.
i know you well enough, and i know the Lord well enough, and i think i know your relationship with Him well enough to also know THIS… you will get through the hard part… you will get through the emotions. you will have a good long hard cry it out – even if it seems irrational or too long… but the peace will come. even if you still have a dull ache inside… the peace about the answer will come. you will accept, you will trust, you will follow him unswervingly no matter what.
Lord, please show the way – and in your time bring Doni to a place where she is ready to grab your hand and follow you any direction you lead on this particular issue. Heal her heart in the process and comfort her with your love… quiet her heart with your love.
Amen.
And “rejoice over her with singing”. Can’t forget that part of the Zephaniah verse – I love that part!
Love you and Amen.
smiling with my sister while God sings our lullaby in heaven…. goodnight. 🙂
Doni,
The doctor told me a while back the only “cure” for me was a hysterectomy and I found that statement so very odd. What kind of cure could bring such emotional pain? So, I avoided it. I still avoid it. I, like you, would rather suffer the physical burden than face the emotional reality. I have no brilliant words of wisdom, except that I can tell you that I know how it feels to cry over “nothing” that is everything all in one.
Doni, so glad you wrote about your visit….I have been worried! Ultimately….you are an amazingly strong Woman that can do this! Knowing that HE is holding you and that all your family and friends are right there with you….you are covered on all sides! As to crying…..we all need to do that….its what makes us women the caring creatures we are! 🙂 Jim’s comment to you cracks me up! He is absolutely correct in the situation and loves you so much, he just wants you to be happy. If having the hysterectomy will produce a more stable day for you then we are all for it. I am praying for your peace of mind my friend….so glad we are all going to Women of Faith in a few weeks….WE NEED IT! Stay strong….
Doni – I can’t being to say that I can sympathize with your struggle. I do know that God has the right answer for you and I pray that he will guide you and give you peace!
Love much! Brenda
Ok you know I don’t mean that I’m not sympathetic – I just mean I’m not in your position and am in no position to give advice… 🙂 OK it’s Friday…It’s late on this side of the world…I’m going home…
Love you, Doni! God is so good, isn’t He? We know that. We know we can trust Him and that He loves us more than anyone else does. This surgery would mean a real loss, and it is ok to grieve that. Praying that God sends healing tears and hope.
The Lord is my light and my salvation;
Whom shall I fear?
The Lord is the defense of my life;
Whom shall I dread? Ps. 27:1
Do not fear, for I am with you;
Do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you, surely I will help you.
Surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.
Isaiah 41:10
tears jordan…. precious words reminding us Father IS near.
Doni…
Many blessings to you and your family 🙂
I gave birth to my son 2-5-04 and followed Ty’s story every step of the way.
I got busy with life and all of a sudden I think of your family…and it is Thanksgiving 06, strange but I am a Law of attraction gal and rely on the universe to bring people together.
In regard to your female issues, there is a way out. A Hysterectomy is a female casteration (sp?)
There is a way out, and your case sounds simple (in regards to what I have heard/seen) ((will not go into here))
Hormones MAKE a person go crazy! If there are off balance, just a bit! and with simple changes in your life it could be so different.
When it comes to stress my face breaks out, my husband gets ear infections, and for you, the hormones. This is not rocket science.
AND I know you have stress, I have been in tears reading your blogs about TY while my baby was healthy.
But to reassure you WE ALL HAVE STRESS! Maybe you NEED another Tool.
God Bless our families,
Teresa