Been thinking about babies a lot lately.?? I am getting really anxious to kiss and cuddle my next son or daughter.?? Tiny little toes, big eyes, sweet giggles….
Infertility thoughts resurface a little bit during this stage of the “planning” process.???? So??many fears…too many to list.?? But God has sure been faithful hasn’t He??? Even through the hard things….there have been thorns but they have never distracted from the beauty of my precious roses.???? Because of this, I still feel so grateful for infertility.????
A friend recently brought my attention to Kellie Coffey’s song “I Would Die For That”.?? I love Kelly Coffey!?? I fell in love with her voice when she sang White Christmas for the Disney Firework display.?? No better version (and I never could find it recorded anywhere either).??
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Even though I feel healed from so much, this song still moved me.?? For all the women reading this who have experienced infertility or loss of babies, I think you’ll appreciate this.
16 responses to “Thinking Bout Baby”
what a POWERFUL and beautiful song and video.. beautiful.
I heard that song on CMT just this week and thought of you. Actually meant to post about it on grace for you.
This song was on another blog recently and it struck me then and has every time I have heard it since. I shared it with another friend of mine who walked these same paths. Amazing how fast your emotions can go back there, and how little it takes to open old wounds even when you are years past the initial experience. It just stays with you, doesn’t it?
Interesting you should say that Allie. Another friend of mine who lost 6 children in miscarriages/stillbirths asked me if I am “healed” from infertility post Tanner and Ty. That’s a tough question. In one regard, my answer is yes because I am the mother of children and I know now that God dreamed bigger and I am so glad He did things HIS way. BUT there are still wounds. They aren’t open and gaping and bleeding but they still are painful from time to time. The children I lost in miscarriages…there will always be grief there. I trust God with that decision but it is still something that is painful and my memories of that time are painful. In the same regard, the memories of all the pain attached to infertiltiy – those visits down memory lane still have pain attached to them. It’s the memory of the sadness though as opposed to the sadness itself. The only time I start dealing with infertility hurts now is when I allow fears of future adoption situations – both finanical and all the what if’s…..take hold. It’s a hard process. Sometimes I still wish I would just get pregnant just so it would be so much EASIER! No worries about paying $12000.00 for every child. No worries about birthfamily relationships. No worries about birthfamilies trying to reclaim before rights are released. No worries about being chosen. No worries about how long it will take. No worries about how vulnerable you when you are under incredible scrutiny……. Those emotions make me want to kick infertility to the curb :). But then I go stare at two beautiful little boys and all I can say is “thank you Lord”.
Ah yes Doni. I agree. On the adoption fears most certainly, and also that infertility wounds do change with time and the realization of God’s greater plan for our lives. I look at my friends children, who call me aunt, and I remember that God’s plan is greater indeed. Most moments, I don’t think about “mine”. There are times though, that it just manages to strike just right and for just a moment all those old emotions surface once again. I remind myself of God’s greater plan, and the ability I have to be an Aunt becuase I’m not a mother. The wounds heal, fade, but the scars remain. Those crevices become a part of who we are. The battle wounds become part of the beauty God created in us each. There’s a song that talks about how in God’s hands the scars look more like character. I think sometimes we have a different appreciation for children, a sense of beauty, and a deeper understanding of the grace and goodness of God than perhaps those for whom the path to parenthood is easier. Not because of us mind you, just becuase of what God has shown us through these valleys.
Suffering, no matter what path you are on, can create beauty when a heart is submitted to the Lord. One family struggles with fertility, another from wounds of completely different kinds… I’m thankful He uses ALL parts of our lives to give EACH of us a deeper understanding of his grace and goodness when we seek Him.
Heidi, I couldn’t agree more. I wasn’t trying to say infertility was the only path for teaching that. I’m so sorry if it came across wrong or upset anyone 🙂 I totally agree with you!
I had a dream that we had the sweetest little baby girl. She was cuddly and had great toes. So, it must be time for you guys to go find HER! Love you.
HER??? I like the sounds of that Doni. 🙂 Wouldn’t it be cool if we both had daughters around the same time? I want one too. 🙂 Hee hee..
Allison – Sounds like we’re on the same page then! I know that God has taken the pain of inferitility and turned it into something beautiful for so many of my friends and I’m so thankful to watch that beauty come.. it’s so hard to see our friends walking the painful part of the journey – so life-giving to see the healing begin. I’m thankful that all the wounds will be fully healed the other side of heaven. 🙂
Wow the baby bug is really hitting alot of people lately!! After my two boys i didnt’ think i would get it, yet it has hit and hit hard. I have actually been trying to since August 06, and nothing. I know its not horrible amount of time but boy God is trying to teach me some major patience. I too had a dream of a beautiful little girl. She had beautiful brown hair full of curls. Swingging on a swing set in my back yard. (although i was trying to save her from a big black bear LOL 😉 )
I will keep you in my prayers for peace and comfort during this time.
Some days I think I have made big steps in my healing but then I realized I have stopped surrendering to God and started trying to grab and hold onto things myself again. I am actually having a harder time with infertility the second time around. For me, I think its because I was relatively naive about the whole thing during my primary infertility days (even though I was PI for such a long time). I thought yes I have never been pg but one day I will and it will be fine. Did not expect to have had the pg I had, to have to lose my daughter and to have to watch my son struggle to survive for 6 months in the hospital. Now I have learned that God did not promise fairy tale endings but did promise that He will be there for us no matter what and that if we hang onto Him through our darkest time, we will be able to see His Face a little clearer and understand His love and grace a little more.
But still my human nature does not like the no promise of fairy tale endings. I am still fighting and kicking. I want Rachel back. I want a baby girl. I want Isaac to have a sibling. I want, want, want. How can I surrender my desire to God and just let Him do what He will? How do I let go?
I am just SOOO glad that our God is such a forgiving God.
Sonia
I went through these emotions after having Tanner Sonia so I know what you mean. For me though, my path was more like this:
* PI for 7 years
* Snowflake adoption and miscarriage of twin
* Miscarriage of triplets
* Miscarriage of triplets
* Miscarriage of twins
* Death of adoptive twins we were hoping to adopt
* Mother of twins considering us decided on another couple then kept thm
* Ty born at 25 weeks
* Still PI technically 🙂
By the time that Ty was finally born, God and I struggled with the issues that you laid out long enough that I was finally able to lay my will down and surrender Ty. I was SURE Ty would die like all my other babies.
For such a long time I felt like I had to always embrace worst case scenario first and know that I would still be faithful to God because I was pretty convinced that my fairy tale endings would never be real or only short lived.
I live in more hope than I used to now though. I think I have seen God’s beauty in cycles with the ashes enough times that while I know pain comes in these terrifying waves, I also know He calms the storm and His pattern never seems to be one of a relentless and constant tsunami (though it certainely feels that way at the time).
Like you, I want this easier. I wish my babies would have lived. I visited a friend yesterday with 7 kids and thought “THIS is what I wanted”. And I am a little afraid of the future too….it’s tempting to wonder what catastrophe will befall next. But then I ask God to forgive my faithless heart. While I want to be prepared for God’s will to at times be painful, I also want to hope in His good purposes and be able to proactively rest in what I don’t know and or don???t understand. It’s a process and I am definitely not a pro at this but I feel so much more at peace now than I did. Maybe I am just more and more able to grasp that He is loving and good and rest better in that. Hang in there. He will see you through this. I know I can’t solve this but He can – He is the master heart soother and I am counting on Him to heal yours my sweet friend.
Aren’t we thankful for the God Who binds all our hearts together, for friends who deeply “understand” our hurts, and for faith that though may be weak from moment to moment gives us the courage to keep moving forward and not just blindly “accepting” our fate but the realization that at times we even get a little giddy in our excitement of what is coming next in our adventure with God! We have to keep reminding ourselves and others that GOD IS GOOD ALL THE TIME, ALL THE TIME GOD IS GOOD! He loves us, knows us, is always at work in our lives, has our BEST interests at heart (not just good interest) and has a plan that makes us absolutely everything He desires us to be. We bring Him glory. When we “feel” loved and secure that helps us through the process. If we are “feeling” kicked around, then we better go back to the Word and find all the ways that God showers His loves onto us and commit that FACT into our realities. I pray His peace on each of you and the ability to recognize His great love. You are precious to Him – of that you can be sure. I’m lovin’ you with Him!
Wow! What an encouragement you all are. Thank you for your transparency. I have never delt with this particular issue, but as several of you said, it’s about the Lord and His willingness to teach us through struggles, whatever those may be.
Aunt Beck~ I don’t know you, but can I call you that anyway? 🙂
I love what you said. We have to be constantly going back to the cross to check what we think we know or what we are feeling against what the Gospel tells us is true. Thank you for the reminder.
What awesome women you all are! I am just sitting here praising the Lord for people I may never met, this side of Heaven, and His grace in allowing me to grow from their wisdom. What an awesome God we serve!
Laura, I’m sure Doni will let you share my title! I don’t know how my husband and I do it, but it just seems like we are everyone’s Aunt and Uncle. All our niece and nephews friends always call us that, we think it is something like a grandparent. We get to love on all of you and then send you home 🙂 (Tee! Hee!) And I agree, won’t heaven be soooo much fun – first and foremost to be with Jesus and then to share all of eternity meeting and truly “knowing” each other! Yeah – that is something to look forward to!
(Aunt Beck, I’ve already been putting requests in for who I want to live in the same neighborhood with (in heaven, that is) and your entire family is on the listed.) 😉