Last Friday I was in a rush.?? I had vowed to myself that I wouldn’t be late to Tanner’s AIT (Athletes in Training).?? I had been late the week before and that made it really difficult for my shy son to “jump” in with the other kids.??

We live near a freeway frontage road and it’s a 2 mile stretch to get to the freeway.?? Due to construction, they have posted the entire 2 mile stretch at 25 mph!!?? That is darn near impossible for me to abide by.?? Apparently, everyone else is ignoring this posting as well because the construction company is now paying police officers to radar on overtime shifts.?? If you hadn’t guessed already….I got a ticket.?? In AZ, fines are doubled if you get a ticket in a construction zone.?? I was going 41.?? (My first ticket in 14 years I might add!)

Ironically, that morning before school started I prayed that God would help us learn to obey His laws better.?? As a result, when I got that ticket, I had to have a talk with my boys about the consequences of disobedience.?? I thought they would be scared but they weren’t.?? They must have thought I deserved it 😉 😉 .

Did you know that you can take Defensive Driving tests online now??? Pretty convenient to log my 4 hours in at my own pace but still painfully boring.???? I have to take a test in front of a notary so they can officially identify me.?? Luckily, Lauren is a notary so I am meeting her at work tomorrow and she is going to babysit me:).

Jim and I had a conversation at the dinner table the other night that has haunted me ever since.?? He had mentioned that if you go to traffic court and the police officer doesn’t show up, the judge usually dismisses the ticket.?? I wondered how police officers decided which appointments to keep and which to ignore because surely they can’t be in court for EVERY ticket they write!?? In my case, I was guilty as sin and wouldn’t dare challenge it.?? The minute the cop came to my window I said “Yes I saw the sign and I am totally guilty.?? Sorry.”?? Figured that would be the best approach for my children to witness.?? If anything, I needed it to be a teaching lesson on accountability.

Jim then said, “You can still appeal to the judge even if you are guilty and??just ask for mercy.”?? The idea was appalling to me!!!!?? Why in the world would I go into a court room knowing full well I deserved that ticket and ask for leniency??? Jim wanted to know??why I wouldn’t.?? I couldn’t even grasp his question.?? The nerve to even consider that!!!!?? We went round and round about this.?? Jim wasn’t pushing the thought because he thought I SHOULD, he just wanted me to get to the bottom of why I WOULDN’T.

I had many reasons.?? 1.?? It wouldn’t be fair to??the 600 other neighbors that got a ticket for speeding on the frontage road.?? Why should I get off when??so many others were paying well deserved fines??? 2.?? I believe in being accountable for my actions.?? 3.?? I tend to be a stickler about accountability (A BIG HUGE STICKLER) and the thought of asking for mercy felt downright shameful.?? Embarrasingly shameful.?? In fact,??if I am really being honest, I get really annoyed with people that try to escape consequence??with a sheepish look, or a “better to get forgiveness than persmission” attitude.?? It??makes their apologies??seem very insincere if they are trying to avoid the consequence by requesting mercy.?? I don’t have respect for that.

In trying to live by my own standard, I can really beat myself up at times.?? Here is a case in point:

Before I went??on vacation, I went shopping.?? I ended up spending 300.00 on clothes, shoes, makeup….stuff.?? It wasn’t that I didn’t need some new stuff because I did but that felt VERY excessive to me.????Jim is more compulsive than I am and he is always precious to me about money.?? He??never ever comments on what I spend.?? Not ever.?? I knew he wouldn’t care.?? BUT I felt sooooooo guilty.?? I shopped and shopped for new stuff for Jim and the kids to “make up for it” (which only did more damage to my credit line in the end).?? On the way home from my spree I was miserable.?? I told the Lord I was very sorry for being such a poor financial steward.?? I was worried I would pay financial prices for it.????I always get scared around adoption time because we never have a spare 12,000 dollars and we have to second mortgage adoptions until we can pay them off.????I started panicking that what if my spending impacted adopting baby number 3.?? 300 doesn’t make or break it but we have had??a lot of expenses this year and at this moment we really don’t have room on our credit line (without advancing it)??to pay the full price of an adoption.?? So during this talk with the Lord I did not have the nerve to ask for mercy.?? I didn’t deserve it.?? I told him that I knew I was not being smart, I was sorry, and??if He chose to make me pay??the price for being dumb, even in something as big as adoption, I wouldn’t complain because I knew that I deserved it.?? I went??so??far as to tell him I expected to be??punished, I knew I should be punished,??He should punish.?? I was waiting.

After I prayed, I stopped off at my mailbox.?? There was a….get this….300 dollar check in the mail that I wasn’t expecting.????I feel the tears coming on writing??about this.?? I can’t tell you how humbling it was.?? It was such a “Daddy” thing.?? He reminded me that He is my judge and my Dad.?? I didn’t deserve it but nothing He gives is about what I deserve.?? It’s all on HIS merit.?? Not mine.?? I was so thankful for the forgiveness shown in such an OBVIOUS daddy way but part of me was still thinking “You shouldn’t have done that Lord…you should have “spanked” me.”?? ( I realize that some of you may think I am big idiot for this and I won’t disagree – others may think I am quite righteous for this – read on and you’ll realize??more humility is what I needed because this behavior is motivated by arrogance – not righteousness).??

Returning to my conversation with Jim….

During this talk, this lump was forming in my throat and tears were burning my eyes.?? Jim??kept drawing spiritual connections between??God’s justice and a judge.?? He kept reminding me that??mercy is not about what we deserve but about the nature of the judge.?? If the??judge chooses to show mercy – it has nothing to do with me but with him.?? That’s why it is okay to ask for leniency because the judge will say yea or nay but??either way, it won’t be about me and what I deserve – it will be about what HE wants to do.

I kept dismissing Jim’s parrallels.?? I know I can’t??pay the weight of my sin – I have no choice but to beg God’s mercy.?? But my traffic ticket, I do have the means to pay the price – therefore I should.?? (And I did).

But this line of reasoning is what was backing me into the corner.?? The deeper I looked at this, I started to recognize something in myself.?? Something very ugly and unbecoming.?? The truth of the matter was, I??wanted to pay my price because that way I could wipe the record clean on my own merit.???? “Yes I did it – yes I paid for it – now it can be in the past.”???? To tell anyone that I had been speeding but went to court and asked the judge not to fine me when I had the means to pay for it??? No way.?? I’d feel like a jerk.??

Do I do that with God too??? If I think I paid a sufficient price, should it no longer count??? Does “paying the price” remove the sin??? As Christians we know that “Christ died in our place” – but what if we DID have to die??to pay the price of our sin??? Would that be enough???????NO!!!! ??I couldn’t be put to death to atone for my own sin because the imperfect cannot atone.?? The difference between His sacrifice and that of a martyr is that He had nothing (personal)??to atone for.?? No other person who has ever walked the earth could make that claim.?? It is pretty absurd for me to behave as though I can “make up for my sin” through accountability and paying consequence.?? Just as absurd of thinking I could earn my salvation by my good works.?? The latter has always been obvious to me.?? What arrogance to think we could earn righteousness by our own merit??? How could we possibly EARN heaven??? I didn’t consider the other side of the equation.?? How could I EARN forgiveness????? Apparently, I sometimes behave as though I think I can.?? Stupid.

What really motivates me to accountability anyway??? Is it love for my Savior or is it an ugly pride issue – my fleshly need to earn earn earn my forgiveness – for my forgiveness to be given on merit??? Ahhhhhhh…and this was the sticky point….the??point that stung.????While I realize I can’t work for my salvation through good works and I don’t think I??consciously attempt it,??that doesn’t mean I am not trying to “earn” my forgiveness which in the end, amounts to??the same thing doesn’t it??? OUCH!!!!

In all honesty I think both things are true.?? I think I want to be accountable in the spirit BECAUSE I LOVE MY SAVIOR and I want to honor Him in all that I do.?? I don’t want to take His grace lightly and abuse it.?? If I did, that would NOT be love.?? Just as I DO try to be obedient and do good works – it is because that’s what love does.?? If I wasn’t showing any fruit of being a follower of Christ, one would have to wonder if I WAS a follower of Christ.?? “You shall know them by their fruit”.??

BUT….it is also true that my flesh gets in the way and sometimes I want to pay the price all by myself.?? It’s a pride issue.?? Absurd isn’t it??? Embarrassingly stupid and shameful.

So I am praying about this weakness in me.?? That God would remind me that while I am wretched He is abundant in mercy.?? It’s NOT about me.?? It’s not about how big my sin but how big His grace.??

Jesus help me to bear fruit, to serve you, to walk in your ways, to be obedient, to glorify you through my actions, and yes…to be accountable for my failures, and to be willing to pay the consequences that occur…but all this out of great love for you – not out of pride.?? So long self.?? I don’t need you anymore.?? It’s only You Jesus – ever you.

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Watch So Long Self on GodTube

So Long Self
Mercy Me

Well if I come across a little bit distant
It’s just because I am
Things just seem to feel a little bit different
You understand
Believe it or not but life is not apparently
About me anyways
But I have met the One who really is worthy
So let me saySo long, self
Well, it’s been fun, but I have found somebody else
So long, self
There’s just no room for two
So you are gonna have to move
So long, self
Don’t take this wrong but you are wrong for me, farewell
Oh well, goodbye, don’t cry
[So Long Self lyrics on http://www.metrolyrics.com]So long, self

Stop right there because I know what you’re thinking
But no we can’t be friends
And even though I know your heart is breaking
This has to end
And come to think of it the blame for all of this
Simply falls on me
For wanting something more in life than all of this
Can’t you see

Don’t feel so bad (don’t feel so bad)
There’ll be better days (there’ll be better days)
Don’t go away mad (but by all means)
Just go away, go away

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