Heidi asked me this week where I am finding time for graphic creativity.?? She guessed at the answer and she was right – HALO 3!?? I just love Halo nights sometimes.???? Playing in photoshop is therapeutic for me.?? My little haven of fun.?? Stuff I want to do but don’t have to do.?? When I browse other blogs, one thing that keeps me going back is pictures.?? I really like blog posts that have good pictures.?? Angie Hunt has interesting graphics all the time and I often wonder where in the world she finds them.?? I am trying to get in the habit of including interesting shots when I post so that means I get to play around in photoshop more.?? 🙂

Tomorrow, we will be going out to Brooke’s parents house for Thanksgiving.?? It is so convenient for me that my MIL and Brooke’s mom are best friends.?? :)?? This allows for very easy family holidays (Thanksgiving and Easter anyhow).??????

I have been intending to blog about a topic dear to my heart all week and it seems even more appropriate with Thanksgiving on the horizon.?? In short, I am trying to learn to count my blessings and kick my fear habit to the curb.?? But first, I will backtrack a bit….

Ever since we made the decision to submit our birthletter, I have found myself having bouts of post traumatic stress.?? The tears will just come on at a moments notice.?? If I see a baby, I will cry.?? If you talk to me about premature babies or babies with health issues, I will cry.?? If we talk about loss or miscarriages, I will cry.?? If we talk about adoption I will cry.?? If we talk about infertility…get the picture?

Just over a week ago I was talking to my friend Laurie at church and we were discussing the possibility of her granddaughter being born at 27 weeks.?? The silly thing was, I knew the baby was okay as was the mom.?? Her daughter had been hospitalized the week before and there was a very short lived fear that turned out to be unsubstantiated.?? Even knowing all was fine, I found myself choking back a sob.?? That’s when I knew I was coming totally undone.??

This past weekend was the Women of Faith Amazing Freedom Conference.?? It was awesome, as usual.?? I went with a group of 17 ladies from our church and several of us stayed over night at a hotel for the fun of it.?? I had the blessing of rooming with Jodi and Amanda.?? We were having a late night talk about the many things that plague us and I brought up my list.?? Here it is:

What if it takes forever to be chosen??? What if we get chosen, and the baby dies??? What if we get chosen, and the baby is born premature??? What if the baby has extreme medical issues….again??? What if, God forbid, we get chosen and the birthmom changes her mind and we leave the hospital empty handed??? Worse yet…what if we take the baby home and then birthmom decides NOT to sign the relinquishment and we lose the baby after having him/her in our home and heart??? What would I tell the kids??? Do I tell everyone to come see the baby before the relinquishment’s are signed or do I make them wait??? What do I tell my children??? Should I send them to grandparents for a few days and only let them meet baby IF relinquishment’s are signed??? How can I make these decisions?

Dad has been teaching on faith and continually mentions God’s sovereignty and purpose in our lives.?? Each time I hear these messages I nod my head in agreement.?? I don’t dispute that.?? In fact, through the years of watching God in action, I AM UTTERLY CONVINCED of His goodness.?? That isn’t my issue.?? My issue is simple.?? Grief still hurts.?? Period.?? My trust isn’t removing the pain of the grief.?? So what do I fear??? More grief.

This fear quickly leads to anger, frustration, and moments of bitterness over infertility because when in this mode, I just want the path of least resistance and believe you me this is NOT it.?? I AM thankful for my infertility – holy cow I AM I AM I AM – but when I am in this place again…waiting for another baby….I remember all the grief and heartache over the years and I guess it haunts me.

So while Jodi and Amanda and I were talking I told them “I know that I am missing something here.?? I need a “word” on this topic but I don’t know what it is. I just know I need it and don’t have it yet.?? I am praying that tomorrow, someone will say something to help me.”

The next day during the conference, one of the speakers started talking about infertility.?? Within minutes I get a note from Amanda.?? She is wondering if my “word” is about to be delivered.?? I want to run screaming from the building because as much as I knew I needed to hear something, I also knew I didn’t want to discuss anything related to infertility.?? I wanted to close my ears and sing so loud I would drown everything else out.?? But then it came….

It wasn’t what was “spoken to me” – it was a verse that was presented on the video monitor -??Philippians 4:6-7.?? (Bunny trail…isn’t that text super cool??? Loaned a book from the library that had that tutorial in it.?? The font on the “N” wasn’t the best because it jittered with the effects but still….cool.?? Sometimes I over do it:) )

When I saw that verse, I had this moment of clarity that was an answer to prayer.?? The Lord just spoke to my heart and reminded me that it is OKAY to grieve.?? Grieving is not a symptom of faithless behavior.?? What is NOT okay though, is to grieve things that haven’t happened yet!!!!!!!?? God will give me permission to grieve IF He asks some hard things of me but as for today, who can know but Him what will happen??? Why assume the worst??? I’ll tell you why…because the things I wished wouldn’t happen DID happen and in multiples…BUT there are plenty of things that DID NOT happen as well.?? Somehow we tend to focus on the glass half empty when we sit in fear.?? I have been making excuses for worrying.?? The way to avoid labeling it “sin” is by calling it grief.?? What a bunch of garbage though.?? While I have been mourning my past losses because I have been so focused on them (ie. thinking about my 10 babies in heaven a lot lately)….most of what I am focusing on is all the things that MIGHT happen.?? The “mights” are not real grief??- that story is still unwritten.?? Oh the trouble I would save my soul if I would learn to live IN today.

Ty lives IN today. Never have seen anyone more accomplished at living in the moment than my TyJo. (Photo taken this week)

I have mentioned before that it amuses me that when I lay Ty down for the night, he never cries or gets upset until I actually shut the door.?? He believes it isn’t final until it is FINAL.?? This behavior is getting more and more pronounced.?? Sometimes I wonder if all three year olds are this way or if Ty really has a terribly morphed sense of time.?? Either way it works to his advantage.??

I am finding that the words “In a minute”, “In a second”, “Very soon”, “In two minutes”, “Right after…”, “In one moment” – all mean one thing to Ty -?? “WOOOOHHOOOOO…it isn’t RIGHT NOW!”?? 🙂

If I tell him that in a minute he is going to take a nap, he thinks that is GREAT news.?? In a minutes isn’t right now.?? “Right now” the verdict is – he is NOT taking a nap and that is cause for celebration.?? This baffles me.?? Ever heard of the saying “An eternal optimist is one who thinks a housefly is looking for a way out.”??? Sheeshhhh…is this not optimism at its fullest?

I don’t predict Ty will be a worrier.?? He grabs every bit of sunshine from every second of his day.?? What will happen in “just a moment” is simply not relevant.?? Only this moment matters.?? What would my life be like if my heart were as full with the many “Thanksgivings” of the moment as Ty’s?

Dear Jesus – thank you for the gift of Ty.?? What a blessing and privilege to know him, to learn from him, to witness the wonder of a life lived fully.?? Please help me to spend my Thanksgiving holiday in full appreciation of your great goodness.?? Help me learn to expect good from your hands – not necessarily easy or pain free – but good.?? Father I love you and stand in awe of who you are.?? Amen