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My children have sure changed me.?? The person I was, the person I would have been, the person I will be…all different because of the role Tanner, Ty and Tori have played in my life.

One of my biggest life struggles has been a battle with fear.?? Caught in a control trap of my own making.?? But this time…with this little one…it has been different.?? God is growing me up inside and I am seeing baby steps of progress in my walk down this faith road.?? Hallelujah and AMEN to this.?? I have a long way to go but to make any progress at all, encourages me.

Being an American Idol fan, I have picked up on a commonly used AI adage.?? Paula Abdul will often say to contestants after their performance “you need to find the pocket – sing in the pocket”.?? I think she means that there is this place of perfection within the song – this place where if the artist can find it, they can rest so comfortably in this sweet spot that what pours out of them is pure beauty”.?? It isn’t about singing a “safe” song and not being vulnerable.?? Its about BEING vulnerable but still nestled sweetly “in the pocket” of the song -??a unity within the song that compliments both artist, music and lyric.

That is how I would describe my spiritual walk right now.?? I feel “in the pocket”.?? Each day I am celebrating my daughter and each day I make conscious decisions to kick fear to the curb and move on with praise and joy in this moment.?? Celebrating Tori has been so easy and the last two weeks have been some of the best of my life.?? I am GREATLY offended (did I say greatly because I do mean G R E A T L Y) offended when someone makes the mistake of insinuating that I have a child preference.?? I will never love one of my children more than another.?? It isn’t in me.?? They each have their very own spot in mama’s heart and that spot is so big it takes up the whole thing – and they each have it.?? I can’t give an explanation for that – that is just how it is.?? I love each one of them “the most” LOL.?? But here is what is different with Tori…

When I had Tanner, I had spent 9 months with hyperemesis and then I got PUPS.?? I had an emergency c-section that I wasn’t prepared for and Tanner had his days and nights confused for seven weeks AND I had skim milk and was starving him unintentionally.?? My first few weeks with my firstborn son were truly incredible but also very very hard.

When Ty came my world was turned upside down.?? I lived for over a year wondering if his next breath was his last.?? I was deeply in love with my baby boy but it was hard to live with joy because the fear of losing him would often overwhelm me.?? I didn’t live with anger or bitterness but I did live with a LOT of fear.

Then came Tori.?? No pregnancy issues.?? No hormone issues.?? No medical issues.?? No prior sleep deprivation due to pregnancy.?? No intensive care units.?? No medicine.?? No life saving equipment, oxygen, monitors going off during the night telling me she is not breathing.???? No waiting at a hospital to see if a birthmom would change her mind.?? I just was told I could go get my daughter and I went and picked her up.?? That’s it.?? Now I spend everyday in awe of how blessed we are for this gift.?? My energy is running lower this week because I have contracted a virus but even still, I have had AMAZING energy for being the mom of a newborn.??????(And yes Sarah you were right – I WAS being selfish and I didn’t really want to share her with you LOL.?? I looked for every excuse to get her back until I found one.?? Can’t help myself.?? She is my addiction right now.).

Even still…there are things that could be haunting me.?? Things I have to choose daily to let go of.?? As just one example…I have wondered for years now if when I had a third child if I would be neurotic having to live without monitors.?? You really become dependent on them.?? Would I be convinced that something was terribly wrong with her at every turn and not be able to sleep for fear she would quit breathing?????It took me a long time to be comfortable holding even healthy newborns because I paid too much attention to every breath they took.

Now I admit.?? I have momentary struggles.????Thursday night as one example.?? She was sleeping on my chest and she stopped breathing.?? It was long enough for me to shake her to catch a breath.?? Or was it??? Was I too sleepy and over reacted??? Was she just breathing really shallow??? I don’t know.?? All I know is that in that moment I had to make a conscious decision of faith and act on it.?? I picked her up and put her in her bouncer and then I went back to sleep.?? My prayer went something like this “Lord – you give Tori every breath.?? Her days are numbered and you know exactly how many days and how many breaths you will give her.?? That decision is not in my hands.?? It belongs solely to you.?? I am putting her back on your watch and I am going to go to sleep.”?? Wow!?? I really did it.?? I really did go right back to sleep.?? This wasn’t the first time I have been faced with these big questions.

I asked the adoption agency not to give me a “date” as to when severance would be finalized.?? I am choosing to not focus on that.?? I am not looking for anything to be “wrong” with her despite what may or may not have happened during womb time.?? I am seeing all that she CAN do and I think she is amazing!

Two weeks ago when we took her to her first Dr. appointment, I managed to keep the biggest secret of all.?? I didn’t share this information with even my mom or Heidi until after the fact!?? At her first appointment, the Dr. thought he saw two different markers for a genetic abnormality…possibly Down’s syndrome.?? He wanted her to come back in two weeks for a chromosome test.?? In my heart of hearts, I evaluated what the Dr. pointed out and decided he was miscalculating some preemie “things”.?? I knew Tori did not have Down’s and likely not any other chromosome issue.?? It was tempting to give this more thought time but it came down to this.?? Either (A)…God had chosen Jim and I to parent another child with some special needs and if He did, she was yet to be another miracle in our lives with GREAT and abounding promise or (B) she was perfectly fine.?? Each time this issue came to mind I just started quoting verses.?? “Trust in the Lord with all your heart…”, “Don’t worry about tomorrow…”, “Be anxious for nothing…”, “Come to me and I will give you rest”, “Cast your cares on me.”??

As I learn to hand these moments over, peace is reigning in my life.?? As of today, there are new “issues”.?? Beth was in the hospital this week Monday through Thursday.?? She caught the influenza virus and was satting in the 80’s.?? She required deep suctioning and oxygen…thus her??hospital stay.?? Three days before Beth got sick, I was taking BFF pictures.?? Would Tori get sick too??? Beth was born 3 pounds heavier than Tori…would Tori’s small body have fighting reserves if she gets this??? Tuesday Tanner got sick…and then so did I.?? So the question now looms.?? Will Tori catch this??? If she does how bad will it be??? Do we have the influenza virus or RSV???

But what can I do about this??? NOTHING!?? There are a few minor things in my control.?? Yes I am locking down even more than before and am not having anyone come visit right now.?? Yes I am washing hands and sanitizing my hands like crazy.?? No the boys aren’t allowed to touch her or her things.?? Beyond that though??? We are just stuck.??

Yet still…I have peace.?? Not the kind of “I know everything will be okay peace”.?? That is simply wishful thinking.?? I have no idea what God will or won’t allow…not in regards to the adoption…not in regards to her health…not in regards to her reserves for an illness.?? The peace I have stems from this…God is in control of the drama of my life.?? He is in charge of the drama of Tori’s life.?? As I submit her to Him throughout the day (and yes this can be a moment by moment deal), I just feel at peace that His plan reigns and whatever it is…it will be for both her and my long term good and His glory.?? Maybe this is easy to say today when things are well but the fact that I have been able to emotionally embrace these principles through the last two weeks of all the wondering…on several topics…well that is just a HUGE step in my life.

(Note to Amanda:???? I know that you will read more into this than most anyone else and we both know why.???? I needed to actively live out everything I have said to you.?? Know that all I have said to you on this topic is real and relevant in my life too.?? I also didn’t want to create yet more fear for you and decided we would cross the bridges as they came.?? Would I have to tell you Tori had a genetic disorder??? I didn’t know and I wasn’t willing to add to your burden until I did know.?? I love you.)

Tuesday I took her in for the chromosome test.?? I can honestly say that I did not lose one bit of sleep over it.?? The moment the Dr. looked at her he said “I am not doing the test.?? She is perfectly fine.”?? I said “I know that.?? I was convinced of that from the first.?? As her mother, I have watched everything.?? I know what signs to look for and she didn’t have them but are you CERTAIN that you don’t want to double check for your own comfort”.?? He said “No.?? There is absolutely no need.?? To be honest, I diagnosed a child with Down’s the week before and I think I was looking for things.”

I’ll be honest and say that the circumstances of Tori’s birth were not easy ones and as a result, this is our first completely closed adoption.?? I am sad about that.?? Sad for Tori…but it is necessary and I can’t change it or control it.?? The Dr., realizing how little genetic information we have to go off, was feeling very protective and cautious.?? We realize there are things she “could” face and the Dr. was looking for indications.?? So far there are none.?? God has been merciful.

The Dr. did discover though that she has a heart murmur and we will be seeing a cardiologist for that.?? Again, this does not concern me right now.?? Lots of babies -especially preemies have heart murmurs that are innocent enough and they grow out of it (Ty included).?? (Her hip also clicks and we will be getting an ultrasound but that isn’t out of the ordinary either).

She is growing like a champ!?? I have a way of fattening up preemies. :)?? She has already gained about a pound and a half!?? The 22 calorie preemie formula wasn’t agreeing with her so we switched her to normal Enfamil with Iron.?? She is up to 6 pounds and 15 ounces and 19.75 inches long!?? She is 37 weeks now and ironically, I was born at 37 weeks and was just about the exact same size.???? She is still wanting a lot of cuddle time and sleeping 2 to 3 hours at night with one possible 4 hour stretch.?? Not great but not terrible either.???? I noticed today that she is losing her hair!?? A lot of it!!!?? I wonder how it will grow back??? Thick/thin? Straight/curly??? Fun to see.

If you think of it, please pray for Tanner.?? He is really miserable today.?? Ty is fine so far and I hope he stays that way.?? Sweetie has STILL not be able to hold Tori.?? Tori’s Dr. said “NO” also.?? He told me that NO ONE who has any symptoms AT ALL…current or residual…may be around her.????I am so grateful that Beth is home now and doing better.?? Beth really serves to validate my caution.?? Beth was born almost full term at a healthy weight and even she ended up with a hospital stay.??(Please pray for Beth too as I am sure Tom and Kristi will go through a little stress caring for her at home post this weeks scare).

Baby girl wants mama now and I need to figure out an easy dinner and get more rest.?? Her daddy was so precious last night and he took all the night feedings and stayed home from work today to be a “Mr. Mom” so I could attempt some recovery time.??

Getting back to my topic though…despite these momentary challenges to my faith…God is helping me find the pocket of His song.?? Not because I am “hiding” in His safe haven.?? Because I am learning to just run to it and rest there.???? Choosing to look for the bigger picture and put my full faith in God’s eternal purpose that shines far greater than all my life “moments”.??

“Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take but by the moments that take our breath away.”??

Every day I ask myself “Do I believe God or don’t I?”.?? When I answer in the affirmative, I then have to practice putting feet to my faith and move on deliberately resting in His ultimate plan.????This pocket is a really nice place to live.?? I see His footprints here.?? He reigns in all my storms.?? Been thinking of a song I love today.?? It is called “Feet of the Savior” by The Darins.???? The song speaks of our sin and His grace.?? I see my sin in my lack of belief…in my fear…in my attempt to control.?? But still…He is gracious to me.?? Wherever we are at…whatever the call on my life…on my children’s life…the feet of the Savior travel here and we are not alone.??

Again I’ve made a mess
I put mercy to the test and it was waiting
Now deafened to Your call
I’m up against a wall, my pride is spillingAnd I’ve worked the field
Where I’ve planted lies
The rain’s been faithful, the earth is dryCHORUS
I’m in a desperate land
But I will never fear
For I know the feet of the Savior
Surely travel, travel here

Long time in this place
I’ve been stretching grace
And it proved limber
And just how I landed here
It isn’t very clear, I don’t remember

I’ve been planting seeds of doubt
And all other crimes
Now the season’s done and it’s harvest time

CHORUS

I wandered far to get here
With every foolish step
I’m close to nowhere
And now I’m staring at the ground
And I just can’t believe
Your footprints I can see are all around

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