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This could be my favorite!

Jodi has this sign hanging in her kitchen.?? While Jodi went shopping, Karsyn and I were playing and I let her stand on the kitchen counter for this picture.?? Can you tell she enjoyed that misdemeanor??? 🙂

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Today’s mama moment will be about my little Ty…

Last week (I think it was), I posted about me telling Ty his story and how he seemed uninterested watching a show with Daddy.?? It shouldn’t surprise me that Ty is far more of a multi tasker than mama.?? Turns out, he heard every word I said.?? Two or three times now, he has crawled back in my lap and asked to hear his story again.?? How precious it is to tell it too.?? It’s a wonderful story blending the lives and grief and joy of many people culminating into the incredible gift that God gave all of us – through Ty.?? It’s hard to tell how??a four year old will internalize an adoption story but I have always felt strongly about telling my children all of it early on so that when they are old enough to “understand” the story, they will realize they have always known it.?? This seems to be working because so far, my children embrace their unique stories and I really haven’t saved any details.?? They know about genetic siblings and half siblings and Tanner understands that he was a former frozen embryo and those surrounding details as well (though most adults can’t wrap their minds around that story so who knows how much he really “gets”).?? The important thing is that, he has heard all of it, including the uniqueness of his conception and the other genetic family that contributed to who he is…and he takes pride in it.???? Now that I typed that sentence, I realize I am about to side track on to Tanner for a moment but it can’t be helped.??

When Tanner was in the ER with his hives issue, the topic of his genetics came up as often happens when medical histories are discussed.?? I was a little anxious about it but tried to mask it and launched into my tale with all the pride and bravado that resides in my heart.?? His story (and Ty’s and Tori’s) feels so master crafted by God that I can’t help but revel in it when I get to tell it.?? HOWEVER, now that Tanner is getting older, I almost never share his story in front of him.?? The story belongs to both of us – it is unique and precious to both Tanner and I but I do want him to have a choice about “hearing it again”.?? I also have to be cautious because sometimes well intending people say really really dumb things.??

After I told the nurses about Tanner’s adoption and they left the room, I looked at him and asked him how he felt when I told people his special story.?? He grinned ear to ear and said “I like it”.?? That tells me what I need to know…at least for now.

So back to Ty….

The part I find the most curious about Ty wanting to hear his story over and over (because that is not in and of itself unusual – all children love that story) – is the specific part of the story he wants repeated.?? If I gave you 100 years to guess, you would never see it.?? I still can’t figure it out.?? Every time he asks for the story, I get about a minute into it and he interrupts and says “tell me the garage part”.?? When I write out what I told my son, you might wonder why I told him the “garage part” in the first place.?? I guess there was a part of me that wanted him to hear mama’s heart – even at the tender age of 4 – and know how much I pleaded for him.?? Here it is:

“…and then something very very scary happened.?? Daddy and I got a call from Grandma Cheri.?? She told us that Amanda had given birth to you way way way way too early.?? You were so tiny.?? Mommy didn’t think that a tiny baby like you would be able to survive.?? I went out into the garage to get in the car so we could drive to the hospital to see you.?? When I got out there, I started crying and crying and I fell on my knees in the garage and I begged Jesus to let me see you just one time.?? I thought that I was going to lose you like I lost my other babies and I asked Jesus if this one time, I could see you, could touch you, could tell you how much I loved you and wanted you.?? Then I got in the car and we drove to the hospital.?? When I saw you for the first time, you gave me hope.?? You wrapped your tiny finger around mine and squeezed it so tight and then I wondered if you were really going to live.?? AND YOU DID!” ….story continues.

That was probably way too big to tell my four year old in the first place but wouldn’t it figure that of all things…that is his favorite part of his story.?? I can understand why an older more matured person would appreciate that part of the story – to hear the crushing grief that drove their mama to her knees at the thought of losing them – but a four year old??? Makes me curious if maybe there is something in my voice during that part of our story…if Ty can actually for a moment sense what I felt – the incredible overpowering love I have for him and how much it took to give him back to God and only ask for a moment this time.?? It was a spiritual turning point for me.?? My surrender of my child – without the bitterness this time but full of pleading for just one moment with him.?? I didn’t even think to ask for more.?? I can honestly say, I just wanted to see Ty.?? To get to be his mommy for one moment and to tell him that I loved him fully.?? To touch him.?? I didn’t get to say goodbye to the 10 babies that preceded him and I couldn’t bare to lose one more child that way.?? It still hurts to think about but maybe that is why Ty notices that part of my story so much.?? There must be awe and reverence in my voice when I talk about that moment in the “garage”.?? God, understood my grief and He acted in such mercy.?? Ty lived.

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