Doesn’t she have the best hair??? Love it!
This is “vintage” cowgirl.?? Brooke did her room in a vintage cowgirl look so I tried to process a picture to match her room style.?? :)?? This will be the cover of Braxtyn’s book (unless I change it again:).
Getting down to business on my blog post.?? Today it finally happened.?? I have been waiting for this and it took 8 months before someone worded a question in a way that had me feeling cornered.
I was at a local medical office with the kids and one of the staff approached me.?? Here was our conversation:
Employee:?? Is she their sister??? (By the way, I get that question all the time but usually it ends there).
Me:?? Yes (big smile)
Employee:?? Huh.?? She doesn’t look anything like them but she does look just like you.
Me:?? Silent.
Employee:?? Continuing to stare at me with a bewildered expression.?? Often times questions aren’t phrased as questions…but given some silence you realize that indeed they are.
Me:?? We adoped all of them.
Employee:?? OOOOHHHHHH!!!?? Well the boys do look alike though.?? (Oh really??? How so??? They are both caucassian? LOL)
Later she apologized.?? I feel for people in this situation with our family because they look at us and it’s pretty obvious I am mommy but all the visual facts don’t add up.?? Jim tonight suggested that there is just no way to ask a question like the one posed to me today because what does the individual expect me to say??? Grin and say they all have different dad’s??? (Jim said that not me for the record LOL).?? Seriously though.?? When you see a family that is racially mixed isn’t that a clue that some questions shouldn’t be asked in front of little ones??? And that is exactly what this boils down to.?? It isn’t what people ask – it’s where they ask it.?? I don’t mind answering adoption questions at all but I DO mind making it a discussion in front of my kids.?? My children know their stories and “adoption” is a treasured word in this family but that doesn’t mean that it needs to be a topic of conversation in front of them all the time.?? They are just mine mine mine.?? I know it’s hard for people and I try to be merciful but sometimes I get really frustrated with adoption insensitivities.??
??I told Jim that I wanted to turn The Office off tonight it offended me so much on this topic.?? For you Office fans….Michael is hoping to fill the Daddy role in Astrid’s life even though Jan used a donor.?? Jan agreed to this but isn’t practically acting on it.?? When Michael held Astrid, he didn’t bond.?? Later it was mentioned that he didn’t bond because Astrid is not “his”.?? I can’t say GRRRRRRRRR loud enough!!!!!!!?? Now from the perspective of considering that Jan will likely never let him have that role…fair enough statement.?? I don’t love your kids like I love my own either.?? BUT BUT BUT…if the producers are going to suggest that Michael is willing to be THE dad and wants to be THE dad and then turn around and say that – he can’t bond because he isn’t genetically linked (which was the inference I thought)….that just makes me really angry.?? I feel like writing the show and telling them what a disservice that was to??adoption but then I laugh to myself – tell producers of THE OFFICE that they were being offensive??? LOL!?? They would then write me into next weeks plot for the sheer irony of it hee hee.?? How pathetic though that we only get offended when its personal.?? Usually though, their comments are offensive but also in jest…they are making fun of a situation – not making a factual claim.?? This was different.?? They made a statement about families and it wasn’t in jest.???? That’s what angered me.?? But…again trying to be more gracious about this…if you haven’t experienced adoption…I realize you don’t understand.???? Let me try to explain it this way.?? Remember after your first baby was born and you were afraid that you would never love the second the same as you loved the first??? It’s the same thing.?? If you adopted baby number two you would realize how silly you were being.?? Feels real at the time but ridiculous in retrospect.?? I have given birth, sat in a NICU for 3 months with a preterm before I could take him home, and met my daughter within four hours of knowing she existed.?? Guess what.?? No difference in bonding between them.?? NONE whatsoever.?? They are all my favorite.?? 🙂
Sorry for the tangent but I decided to rant for a minute about this because us mommy’s who received our blessings via adoption need to take opportunities to educate sometimes.?? Maybe if the??forementioned employee in today’s story would have read a blog post like this, she would have thought before she spoke today.?? Maybe next time, I will just smile and remain silent and allow the obvious feeling of uncomfortability be the burden of the person who asked the question.?? Not my monkey.
Now on a lighter note…
While waiting in the lobby, a receptionist came out to tell Tanner he was getting XRays.?? He looked nervous so she explained that he need not worry, she was only going to take pictures.?? Ty then asked if she was going to take pictures of him as well to which she replied in the affirmative.?? Ty followed up with “Oooohhhhh!!!?? I LOVE YOU!”?? I laughed so hard.?? She laughed too but seemed a bit bewildered.?? Ty has my personality for sure and people don’t know how to take us most of the time.????
8 responses to “Don’t Say It”
Doni, I’m thankful to know you! You’ve educated me on so many things and given me new perspectives. I know growing up if I heard someone was adopted I always thought oooohhhh you’re adopted…. As in oh I’m sorry your birth parents didn’t want you and you’re stuck with a family who doesn’t love you or want you as much as they would if you were their biological children. How SAD…
Now when I hear adopted. I think OOHH!!! You’re adopted!!! As in a family wanted a child so badly and they struggled and strived and sacrificed and prayed they’d have the privilege of raising you and loving you!
Some bio children are not planned and sadly some parents never cross over from viewing the child as a “mistake” to a blessing. I don’t think anyone ever mistakenly adopted a child. Its hard work and expensive. If anything it is more of a guarantee that the children are wanted and loved.
So thank you again for educating me. And yes continue to have mercy and grace for those that aren’t lucky enough to know someone like you and to have heard your story.
Doni~
You always have a way of saying things that gets right to the heart of it! People are often insensitive and it is sad how uneducated they are.
As someone who has watched you go through two of the three of your adoptions, I can honestly tell even having never met you in person, that you bonded with your children. ALL THREE OF THEM! And yes, Tori looks like you, God’s little plan, but that doesn’t mean the boys are any less yours. I personally think Ty looks alot like Jim and I like to think that Tanner is just a mix of the two with the stray red hair gene from somewhere in your families’ past. I sincerely hope that stray red hair gene hits at least one of my children someday, I love red heads!
I have watched many family adoptions up close and in person and from afar, and regardless of their skin color, hair color, eye color, whatever……….what makes a family a family is the love. PLAIN AND SIMPLE.
I hope more people will look into adoption for their own families. It is something I have always wanted to do and while I thought that I’d do it after having a child of my own, I think that now is the time and if that natural child comes along some day, so be it. My first child, regardless of where he or she comes from, will be loved as if she came from me. I can’t wait to meet him or her!
I don’t seem to mind questions as long as I don’t feel like the person is questioning my “authenticity” as their mom. I have had lots of questions over the years, mostly over my foster kids though. One time we had a 10 month old african american girl, and a 3 month old caucasian boy – It was amazing how many people asked me if they were twins – lol. I totally get what you are saying though. I understand that people are curious, but it is funny that people think it is o.k. to ask personal questions like that in front of kids, but wouldn’t consider it socially appropriate to ask other “personal” questions. And I really wish that the general public could understand how much I love my kids, and although God gave them to us through adoption – I don’t consider them my “adopted” kids, they are just my kids. We love our kids SOOOOOOOOO much, and I have seen many genetic/biological parents who have abused and neglected and totally NOT loved their kids, and yet some people in the world view me as “less” of a mom because they are not my genetic children. I just don’t think some people can understand how much we love our kids.
You have such beautiful neices and nephews. Great pics! As far as the boys “looking alike” maybe its one of those things that happens in families. You know how they say husbands and wives start to look “like” eachother after a while? It’s the love between the boys that makes them “look alike”. My little cuties, when do we get our next group sibling photo’s? I’m having withdrawals. haha! Although I’m sure the boys are happy to have little miss Tori taking some of the camera time away from them. More time for X-box! Miss you and love you all! XO
how many times do you hear “where did that red hair come from?” It’s hard for me to keep from saying something snarky sometimes.
when people ask me that about Sam. Sorry! My comment sounded confusing after I hit submit.
Braxtyn’s pictures are AMAZING! Wow such talent!!
well said sister. 🙂
i love shauna’s first line in her reply.
jennifer – while on vacation i saw a boy, probably late teens, with beautiful red hair and a freckled face. I IMMEDIATELY thought of you and could imagine your darling looking like him someday. 🙂