***Trying more tomorrow…wish me luck.
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All went well at Tori’s cardiologist appointment today.?? Her murmur is gone.?? Her Dr. wants to do an ECHO in a year to confirm for certain that the hole in her heart is closed but he told us we have nothing to worry about right now.?? She weighed 16 pounds 9 ounces and was 27.75 inches long (10 months).
I hate being at Phoenix Children’s Hospital.?? Before Ty was ever born, I didn’t even like to look at the colorful building while driving down the freeway.?? It represented too much sadness.?? Post Ty, that feeling has intensified dramatically.?? Between Ty and Tori, it feels we have seen every kind of specialist there – cardiologist, pulminologist, neuroligist, gastrointernologist, orthopedic, opthamologist.?? They did have free valet parking there now which was nice especially considering my excursion is a high profile vehicle that won’t fit in their garage.
While mom and I were waiting to be picked up, the inevitable happened.?? We were standing next to a family, that, by appearances, had just received news they were hoping not to hear.?? If I were to guess, it seemed those in attendance were mom and dad and then one set of grandparents with newborn baby.?? The grandfather said “(Sigh)..Well it wasn’t the great news we were hoping for but it’s not all bad.”?? The mom then turns her head into her husbands shoulder and silent tears start pouring.?? It was all I could do to keep from joining the hug and I didn’t even know what they were crying about.?? I didn’t even want to guess.?? When I got in the car, both??Mom and I were silent.?? When our eyes met, we were unsurprised to see that we both were about to lose it.?? Mom said “We have been there”.?? Mentally I starting reviewing the times that I heard “the worst” from a Dr.?? “INFERTILITY” – “The baby may not make it” – “You have miscarried” – “Your baby has brain hemorrages” – “Your baby will probably have CP” – “Ty has PVL”.?? So many statements that I didn’t want to hear flooded through my mind.
After I dropped off mom, a song came up on the CD that I had burned for our trip.?? It’s an oldie but one that I always loved.?? I have the Susan Ashton version but it was originally (I think) recorded by Sheryl Crow.?? (You can hear it on You Tube if you want).
Hundreds of Tears – Sheryl Crow
I stood in the warmth of night
Chilled to the bone
Hundreds of faces in sight
Still I’m alone
Door after door
Room after empty room
I’ve stood here before
But under a different moon
In the longest days, in the darkest night
Down the longest road, there’s a presence
of light
But I hear a voice that calls me
It’s love’s name I’ll call in the end
I’ve walked in and out of the fire
Between truth and lies
Now how many children watch
While one child cries
Tear down these walls
And watch while our souls are freed
I’ve thrown away pride
To drown in this endless sea
Hundreds of tears on the water
Mercy come rain down on me
Seemed an appropriate song after visiting PCH.?? Those last two lines repeat over and over and I found myself not singing them but praying them.?? Not for me today though – for another woman I love with all my heart.?? She got heartbreaking news yesterday and the Lord and I needed to have a good long chat about it because there were elements involved that made no sense at all.?? She and I had a talk on Sunday…a hope talk.?? I told her about a dream I had and we both wanted it to be true.?? To have it all crash down in 24 hours left me asking a lot of questions.?? They all started with “Why did you….???”?? I hate it when I subtely (and not so subtley) accuse God of stuff.?? He often does things in such a way that make little to no sense to my way of thinking and instead of keeping my mouth shut and embracing “God is good all the time”, I immediately start in telling Him how unhappy I am with the choice He made.?? Sigh….?? When ever will I learn??? Is He “big” enough for it??? Yes but that isn’t the point.?? Questioning the one who loves me moves me out of a “living loved” place.?? The real accusation is “God you are not being loving”.?? Is He or isn’t He??? As mom said in the car…”sometimes you just have to trust His heart when you can’t trace His hand”.????
God is good or He isn’t God.?? It can’t be any other way.?? If you can’t trust what He says about himself than He isn’t who He says.?? Simple really.?? God is God.?? God is good.?? I am not God and not good either.?? I have??no idea what He is really doing because I see through the glass dimly.?? How dare I then make judgements?????He embraces me still.??
Pray for my loved one.?? I know I am being beyond sketchy but it isn’t my story to tell.?? I have been where she is at though and “hundreds of tears” sums it up pretty good.?? Pray that mercy rains down on her – it is love’s name that she’ll call in the end – she knows “Him” personally.?? He already started runnin’.
8 responses to “Hundreds of Tears”
throat swelling… Father, reign and rain down mercy on this loved one… we dont’ need to know because you do. and you are good.
your pictures are precious… so telling of your kids’ personalities. i remember how tanner does not appreciate sticky and that is so evident in the sticky pic. 🙂 ty… oh he was good at waiting through, not being the center of attention… maybe if he sat still enough and let them at it he’d be free. 🙂 ha!
Wow it’s hard for me to even get through this posting. First off I am so thankful for the news about Lil’ Tori! 16 pounds though?? Are you sure they got that right. Sounds like a lot when you compare her to her size, but coming up from a mere 5 pounds, she sounds like she is growing perfectly!!
Love those pictures with the side quotes, cute idea!!
I feel for the family who you over heard yesterday on the level of grief, with someone standing by trying to find hope. I feel for your flood of memories, the good ones and the hard ones. I remember when you and I sat at St. Joes waiting and waitng on news about Landen that we never got to hear that night. Kinda like the whole “trusting” thing. I needed to know what was at stake and although I was scared to hear what might be said, I wanted that answer, in that moment. Why is it our human nature to complicate trust when things are not as we had planned? Thank you so much for reminding us that it is so important in every breath we take.
Can’t stop crying….Just finding myself reaching out to HIM for HOPE and praying He will hold their broken hearts. Your mom said it perfectly about trusting His heart…
Such difficult memories to have resurface. Beautiful song.
??????sometimes you just have to trust His heart when you can???t trace His hand???. — I love your mom…and I’m stealing this one! (I think I’ve proclaimed love for both of your parents here recently, haven’t I?! 🙂 )
Praying for your “loved one”, as she’s mine, too. *sigh*
Ahh, yes, PCH. My new very UN favorite place as well. Thankful for the treatments, but it gives me a sad, sick feeling when I think of being there. I will keep your loved one in my prayers. Great quote by your mom!!
Years ago I cried so many tears the water level in the desert rose 3 feet. For two years my anger nearly consumed me, mostly becasue God would not give me the answer to the questions that were breaking my heart and he refused to come out and fight. When I could no longer live in my anger, Father gently showed me he was not trying to hurt me, but set me free to trust his hand (especially when it hurt) because He had nothing but Love for me now. I still cry for the pain in my loved ones lives, but the tears water the garden of my mind and I look for the flowers I know are sure to bloom becasue of his love. I don’t have specific answers to all my questions, but I am learning to walk in “faith believing, not having received the fullness of the promise”. I do know and believe that come what may, God allowed whatever he allowed for reasons I may not understand righ now, but He loves me and one day it will make sense. I remember the first time I was crushed by God’s allowances in my life. It took 40 to find out why God allowed it. When I finally understood I was able to praise Him wholeheartedly for the previous pain. My only regret: I wish I had brought Him Glory by believing in the first place. That’s what I try to do now.
Oh to know the Father’s heart and trust him fully. This week I read a fictional book based on “my” hymn…”It is Well.” To hear the words and realize they lost their four daughters to the ocean, then moved to Israel to minister to those in need having three more children – one son and two daughters. Then there only son dies at four years old. How can you say, “it is well with my soul” accept to have fully understood and accepted that God is God and can still be trusted even when your heart is breaking and nothing – NOTHING makes sense. This is where our faith is tested and where we can come shining through – “Though he slay me, yet will I hope in him; I will surely defend my ways to his face. Indeed, this will turn out for my deliverance ” Job 13:15-16a Papa Z said it all. Let’s praise Him WHOLEheartedly and bring Him glory…even through our tears.
(that’s my hymn too Aunt Beck 🙂 )