Next month it will be a year since I started on my “Live Life Loved” journey.?? BIG changes have happened in my heart in one year and my destiny is entirely different because of it.?? At the beginning of a journey, we often find ourselves with a lot more questions than answers.?? My questions have inspired a whole lot of think time.?? Quiet time.?? Standing down and rethinking so many things in my life.?? As I am slowly learning to live loved, Father has brought it to my attention that the decisions I am making in my own life are changing every aspect of me – including??who I am as a parent.?? So many nights I pray this prayer for my children:
“Father please help me to teach??my children to love you and to know how very much they are loved by you.”??
I can’t make them love Father.?? I can love Father and hope that they want to join in on that.?? How do I daily teach them how much they are loved by Father??? That has been a toughy for me.?? I keep praying the same prayer but??have had??no real idea how to start.??
Recently, I read a recommendation for a book called “Loving Our Kids On Purpose” by Danny Silk.?? When I read the review, my heart was moved.?? I think the portion of the review that most affected me was this:
“I would submit that for most of us parents, the goal of raising children is to teach them to obey.?? From the time we meet them at birth, our efforts are directed toward shaping the wills and wants of our children.?? We show them what is “good” and “bad” and then teach them to choose “good”.?? With all our might, we try to ensure that they turn out “good,” and the obvious method for accomplishing this goal is to teach them to do as we say.?? This book will show you that the goal of obedience and compliance is an inferior goal.?? It can actually be detrimental to both your children’s development of personal responsibility and their perception of God the Father.?? Although obedience is an important part of our relationship with our children, it is not the most important quality.?? If we fail to take care of the most important matters first, what we build on top of our foundation will not support what we were hoping to accomplish as parents.”
When I read that it really gave me pause.?? The book poses the question in the first chapter, “Does the motivating factor in your parenting match up with what drives the Father’s heart toward His children?”
Hmmm….does it??? Wow.?? I needed to think about that.?? I didn’t like my answer.
As I read this book I stopped very early on and prayed this:
Father – thank you for answering questions I didn’t know to ask.?? Thank you for seeing my need and bringing me help.?? Thank you for loving me enough to take time investing in my education.?? I have asked you to help me teach my children how to know they’re loved – and you – in Your sweet time – are proving faithful to bring me the help I need to do that.
I spent all day yesterday reading, underlining, studying, writing in my notebook, brainstorming and then kept Jim up until midnight discussing relational parenting.?? He started the book this morning so that we can dive deeper in our conversations and be on the same page with our parenting model.
Here is what I learned about myself.?? I parent like I still live under the Old Covenant.?? God’s plan was always freedom but in order for His kids to understand why Jesus had to die, we had to know what bondage looks like.?? The New Covenant – the grace plan – was always “where God was headed” – always THE story…but it took time to lay the foundation.
Unfortunately, I am one that often feels more comfortable with a punishing God instead of a relational merciful one.?? Terrible isn’t it??? Why is that??? I have a few reasons that I have contemplated.?? First – my sense of justice demands it.?? Second – my sense of fairness demands it.?? Third – my need for power and control demands it.?? Fourth – my need to earn my own way demands it.?? I could probably write several more on this list.
So who does that make me as a parent??? An unyielding dictator.?? The “yellow truck”.?? What does that teach my children about living loved????? Uh oh.?? Houston we now have a problem.?? Mama realized her tactics are serving to undermine her mission.?? Mama keeps asking God how to teach her children to live loved and He is telling her “Parent like me – my new covenant terms – not the old.”
If my words are striking a chord in your heart to, please watch this YouTube video of Danny discussing A Culture of Honor (it’s only 3 minutes).???? I want you to hear some of what I am investing my time learning from so you will better understand where I am headed with this.
“You have been reduced to fear when your child resists allowing you control.?? As much as love casts out the fear – fear casts out the love.”??
Remember a few months ago when I was??writing about this verse??? It took me a long time to come to the place of understanding that my fear would be cast out when I understood HIS perfect love for me.??
Controlling/fearful people need to “punish” sin because that is how we maintain control.???? God isn’t in the business of punishing sin though.?? He already poured out all His wrath on Jesus.?? Tetelesti – PAID IN FULL.?? He already dealt with the sin issue on the cross.?? As Danny said “He is going to be OK no matter what we do and He can win with any hand dealt to Him.”??
“As long as our sin had not been punished and our hearts remained spiritually dead, we were separated from God.?? But on the cross, Jesus dealt with the condition that required God to relate to us from the outside.?? As a result, punishment, wrath, and intimidation have all disappeared from His attitude toward us.?? God is a safe place.?? Because sin has been dealt with in the New Covenant, we no longer need to be punished or controlled but need to learn to manage our freedom responsibly, which changes the goal of government as well as the goal of parenting.?? When love and freedom replace punishment and fear as the motivating forces in the relationship between parent and child, the quality of life improves dramatically for all involved.?? They feel safe with each other, and the anxiety that created distance in the relationships is chased away by the sense of love, honor, and value for one another.”
What is it I really want to accomplish??? To teach my children fear of breaking rules or teach my children how to responsibly live free??? Teach them that I have all control and they have none (which is completely not true – we just pretend to have more control than we as a point of fact do)??? Teach them that they have a responsibility to yield the control that THEY DO HAVE in a loving manner???
“The reason many of us have an Old Testament parenting model is that we are still living??in an Old Testament paradigm that builds external structure to protect us from the powers of sin and death, instead of activating the power of God within us to do so.?? We still believe that sin is more powerful than we are.?? When??children grow up in an environment where their parents are scared of sin, they learn to fear failure.?? All the methods by which they deal with their kids seem to build fear instead of love.?? AS they work to eliminate opportunities for sin, parents develop an expectation that their children live a mistake-free life, and the goal of parenting becomes teaching obedience and compliance.?? As a result, their children miss the whole lesson?? about freedom.”…….”The fact??that we eliminate poor choices from our children’s lives, while God introduces one in the garden ON PURPOSE, shows us that we need paradigm shift.”??
Major paradigm shift.
So what does all this mean??? I can’t break down a whole book to you in one blog post so I would really encourage you to go to www.lovingonpurpose.com and buy the book!?? There is a six hour DVD workshop as well that I am hoping Dad will maybe want to invest in for our church family (hint hint).??
I’ll summarize with this though.?? Danny teaches relational and choice/consequence parenting models as opposed to punishing ones.?? I have always agreed with choice/consequence ideas but have a tough time implementing them.?? He teaches that spending time investing in your heart connection – in the relationship – in building loving intimacy between you and your children – is THE MOST important element.?? I concur wholeheartedly.?? If you read Dad’s blog, he has been talking a lot about this.?? About obedience stemming from a loving relationship.?? The relationship has first priority and is what God centers on first.?? That is HIS parenting model.??
Loving On Purpose emphasizes these things:
*?? As parents, we need to live in freedom personally and understand the power of self control.?? We do NOT have control over ANY one in this life – except ourselves and God promises to help us with practing control over self.?? Boy howdy does this one point have me standing shock still in my tracks.?? Folks I have a red zone and my kids know how to get me there.?? Jodi used a phrase regarding Ryker lately that I am afraid he inherited from his aunt “When he gets mad he goes straight to powder”.?? That’s me sad to say.?? I don’t stay mad but I sure can hit powder fast and four people in this house know exactly how to hit that switch.???? But who is it that owns the switch??? They don’t “control” the switch – they can just push it.?? I choose what happens next.?? As I told Heidi today, 90% of what I learned is centering on how to change ME.?? It’s high time I start exercising personal self control in many areas of my life.?? I need to choose to not enter the red zone.?? No one can make me or push me to go there.?? I make that choice and it’s time for me to make better choices.
*??Boundaries.?? As those close to me know, I am a huge supporter of boundaries.?? Boundaries can be tough to learn though.?? This book emphasizes that while we cannot control other people, we can maintain personal boundaries and chose to not be victims.?? It teaches you to not own the burdens of another person.?? To keep their mess in their court.?? To teach your children to manage their freedoms and let them live with some of the consequences of their choices.
*?? To empower your children to live in a loving environment without fear where they have some control to make decisions and choices without trying to convince them that we, as parents, are powerful (benevlolent) dictators, and they are powerless.??
We are not powerful when we attempt to assert control over other people.?? That makes us fairly stupid not powerful because believing we have that control to begin with is a lie.?? We ARE powerful when we learn to assert power over what we do have control of – OURSELVES.?????? This is what we want to teach our children.?? They have been given the gift of freedom.?? How will they use that freedom??? We don’t want them to be afraid of it, we want them to yield it well in their own lives and understand the consequences – especially the relational consequences of wielding it poorly.
In terms of choice based parenting, Danny recommends that you get into the habit of giving your kids the power to make choices in their life frequently.?? He has three guidelines for making your choice alternatives.?? First, you have to be okay with either choice (maintain your own boundaries).?? Second,?? make sure they understand their options.???? Third, have a back up plan that YOU can control.?? I’ll give you an example of how I used this today.??
Problem:?? Ty kept whining when I told him no.
Choice:?? “Ty mommy said no.?? You have a decision to make.?? You can stop whining about my answer and go play or you can continue to whine for as long as you like.?? If you choose to continue whining, please go into your room and whine in there for as long as you want where I don’t have to listen.?? Whenever you decide you are finished whining, you can choose to go play.”
Result:?? Ty walked into his room.?? Was there 15 seconds.?? Walked out of his room and yelled down the hall “Mommy I chose not to complain!”?? 🙂
Guideline??1 – Be okay with both choices.?? My goal was stop the whining.?? I was okay if he decided to whine out of my presence and impact his own space instead of mine.?? I protected my enviornment.?? His room time was no skin off my nose – just his.
Rule 2 – I was quite certain he understood.
Rule 3 – Backup plan?? – what if Ty refused to go into his room??? This is when you have to step up your game and you need to be prepared in advance for this possibility.?? In this case, I had no backup plan.?? Luckily for me, my kids don’t tend towards outright definace so I thought I could get away without formulating a backup plan yet because I thought the chances of open rebellion were slim.?? I was correct.?? He did walk straight to his room.?? I need to think more on these back up plans.?? An example in the book though went like this.??
Problem:?? Child was not cleaning room.
Choice:?? Child needed to clean room or could choose to pay mom $50.00 to clean room.
Result:?? Child ignored whole conversation.?? Mom immediately cleaned room.?? Mom charged 50.00 – child wouldn’t pay.
Backup Plan:?? Mom sold child’s xbox on ebay and got her 50 bucks out of the deal.?? 🙂
Backup plan was acceptable to mom – mom had control over that without relying on child to again “do”.
I share this with you hoping that several people will chose to invest the time in this book and then engage with me in dialogs about creative choices and backup plans.?? Heidi is reading the book today and we have already agreed to write our lists down of what we hope to start addressing.?? We are going to then have discussions about choices and consequences that are tailored especially for our unique little families.?? I am excited to have this tool and anxious for Jim and Heidi to get on board with me.?? We are ready for a brand new day – parenting “living loved” style.?? 🙂
First John 4:18?? There is no fear in love.?? But perfect loves drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment.?? The one who fears is not made perect in love.”
I love to hear Tanner recite this.?? Praying that mama can start teaching him what that really means.
18 responses to “Loving On Purpose”
i don’t even have time to START reading this – but in one day i am already half way through the book. couldn’t sleep at 5am so i got up to read some more. 🙂 i think this could REALLY change things for me because… you know… i’ve read lots of books about the same types of action/consequence for children without anger from parents… but i’ve NEVER read one that explains the reasons behind it so well – so beautifully… one that has the potential to bring healing to a grown up too. i need this for ME.
hey – aren’t you going to insert a quote from page 123 to finish off your story about cleaning the room? I CALLED DONI CRYING MY EYES OUT IN LAUGHTER OVER IT!!!!
OK, I had written a whole BUNCH of stuff here, because I am interested in this and had a lot to say and ask… but I felt like it was way too much to write here, so I erased it and I will just ask this one question 😉
What about limits vs. freedom for young kids. Obviously in life there are times, especially for little ones where we have to be the grown up, the one with more understanding, and tell them “no” because we understand the dangers that they do not. When my kids were toddlers, I would let them make choices like: what clothes to wear, or what toy to play with, etc. But there are still times when I don’t let them watch certain shows, or go somewhere they want to go because I know it is not good for them. AND there are sometimes that the natural consequences are learning experiences, but sometimes the consequences could be life long devestating experiences; and therefore we have to just say “no” because we understand what they don’t. I think God is like that sometimes too, when we ask for something, and He tells us no. We don’t always understand right away, but usually later on, we do.
I am planning on buying the book, because although I use choices/consequences a lot; I don’t think I am teaching them to make choices based on love. I struggle with Lauren especially in getting her to make choices based on love. My ultimate goal as a parent is for my children to grow up to love God, know that they are loved by God, and to love other people. I can see where I am failing at that in several areas.
I have been practicing the choice factor with Clarisse. In the mornings sometimes she will wake and be a little grumpy with the boys. When I ask her to please be kind to the boys she will let me know that she is too tired and can’t be nice. I will always explain to her that even though she doesn’t feel like being nice and she is grumpy, it is still a choice she is making to be mean to them. She can choose to be kind even if she doesn’t feel like it. I share with her that mommy is not a morning person and would love to be grumpy becasue I don’t want to be up, let alone having to function, but am I being mean to everyone? She sees that I am not and is considering what I am saying. I am sure we will have many of these conversations, but it is fun to let the kids know that the things they do are their choices. Duncan has been known to do things that aren’t always right and I try to explain to him too that it is a choice he made. He finds excuses but in the end the reality is that by not choosing to the right thing, he has indeed chosen the wrong thing and there are consequences for them. He is slow to understand that the things he does are still his choice. We have been parenting like this for the past few months and have liked it a lot actually. My biggest goal is to work with Clarisse becuase she can be somewhat emotional like most girls and I want her to know that she can choose not to be that way if she wants. She doesn’t have to run with her emotions. That is okay to have them, but not to use them to hurt others.
I think the books sounds great, but I am in over my head on the other things on my plate right now to even think about buying it now, but will look into it later for sure…sounds like good summer reading for me!
For those who are stuck in the old covenant style consider Isaiah 55:8ff. God is saying he does not think like we think, we are as different in thinking as the heavens are different from the earth. What was he talking about, what was the specific subject? Look at v 7. “and look to our God for he will abundantly pardon”. The whole heart of God is about forgiveness. It ALWAYS was. Man is distinct in all of God’s creation. When he gave us a free will he KNEW for a fact we would go our own individual way…but that was the POINT of choice. NOW, because of what Christ did on the cross, ALL penalty for sin is paid and I can of my free will choose to love God because He loves me and invites me to live in the same relationship with Him that he has with Jesus. God says his way is FORGIVENESS, that’s because he is LOVE.
I have spent the better part of this AM reviewing the historical teachings that support this method of parenting. The truth of His grace and forgivness is well documented. Typically the control freaks ousted those who taught grace, (largely because the Grace guys don’t fight for power) but the grace books dating back to the 1300’s are easy to find on line today. The truth has always been there. Unfortunately the power brokers are still trying to drown out the cries of the grace guys.
I read most of this and it’s interesting…we have a 12 year old that we were “forced” into this type of parenting with. Because of that, our relationships are better. He is openly defiant, and he exerts his power as much as possible. We don’t make the right decisions every day with him, but when we allow him to live with consequences then he “gets” it. I believe he feels more loved in the process.
This is such a process, especially with years of being raised that way ourselves and then raising our kids the same way. It takes time, and God is good to show us. I am so thankful that He is good to complete the work he started in us and our kids. I look forward to the days ahead…thanks for sharing!
Oh and thanks for showing me it is okay to just call Him “Father” not “the Father”!
1300’s??? Wow.
Shauna – yes definitley there is a time for a parent to say NO – when the consequences are too high. For me, this wasn’t about ONLY choice based parenting but learning to stop creating power struggles because “I am the parent” and make the quality of the relationship the number one goal. My kids are not aggressive domineering little people. I am the power broker personality. That concerns me because the last thing I want to do is allow my personality to squash theirs. We don’t do combat usually. They submit (or they don’t submit but they do it in a passive aggressive manner to get away with it). I want submission of course, but I want it done in the right spirit and for the right reason. There is a whole lot more in the book that pertains to getting me straightened out than “making my kids behave”.
Gotcha, sounds good. I can be that “power broker personality” type parent sometimes. It is usually when I am over tired. And also with Madison. Don’t really know why… maybe because she presses my buttons more??? Matt was a youth minister for 10 years, and he used to tell the parents “rules without relationship doesn’t work, and relationship without rules doesn’t work.” This book sounds like it goes along with that. I am in the middle of another book right now, but when I finish it, I definately want to read this one!!
I’ve been wondering ever since reading the Shack last year how I could implement the “live loved” concept with the kids too. That book really helped me “get it” (I don’t have to keep punishing myself like I thought I did). I want to make sure my children (especially Zandi who tends to be more like me) learn to obey out of love not fear. I too have struggled with how to actually teach them this though. Unfortunately, my more “old testament” background seems to keep domintating in my weaker moments! I am excited about getting some type of direction in this area. I truly want my children to know they are loved by the Father and by me. I am really looking forward to reading this book and the ideas we all come up with!
Wow. Can I admit that when you posted that you had been reading a great Christian parenting book… I was feeling skeptical.
This is my husband’s 3rd year of seminary. These three years have certainly been big, formative years for us. We’ve learned/experienced a lot in the areas of grace, relational theology and missional ministry. This year our church (a 3 year old church plant) has been re-working our children’s programs. As I helped on this project I read a lot of traditional children’s curriculum. Most of it was pretty bad. All of the focus is on the Old Testament, emphasis on rule-following and games that reinforce the wrong point of a great narrative. I remember cringing at a lesson that was about the story of Bartimeus… it included a blindfold game and the over all point seemed to be, “Gee… being blind is tough.” SO wrong on so many levels! How about an competetive game for Easter called, “In and Out of the tomb”? Or the lovely advice that parents purchase trinkets, contemporary posters and art from a Christian book store to set around the house to do the talking for them? Of course, thinking about this in the context of children’s ministry made me think about this in the context of our home and our girls.
The point being that, this question of; “How do we teach our children to love Jesus, to recieve his transformative love and to pass that love to their neighbors?” Has been on my mind for awhile and I’ve certainly been feeling that there are pieces I’ve been missing.
I’m excited about this book and I sent Jonathan to order it for me at the campus book store today. 🙂
natalie – i’m almost finished with the book in about 24 hours… it sounds like EXACTLY what you are hoping for… perhaps you are like me… the Lord prepared me with some thoughts, some ideas, some convictions but i didn’t quite know how to live it all out… little by little He’s been helping me and this book articulates SO well what He’s been starting in me while at the same time giving me tools to start on my road to doing what’s next. one great thing about this book – there are some creative consequence ideas in the book – but there is no list of what to do if ‘x’ happens (i kind of wish there was!) 🙂 but what i’m realizing is that i can use the creative ideas of others, building relationship with them as i inquire for counsel, but more importantly, it will keep me building my relationship with the Holy Spirit more and more as i ask Him to PERSONALLY teach me, to give me creative ideas and wisdom, to lead me for each situation i deal with as a parent… to help me to know exactly what my son will most be able to learn what he needs to know about being loved by the Lord and loving the Lord, being loved by me and loving me, and loving others and receiving love from others. i intend to reach towards the Holy Spirit more and more on this journey.
Wow do I ever need this! I am definately a bower broker and sadly I have a very hot red zone. And parenting a toddler and a teenager sends me there on almost a daily basis. I will be getting this book and I’ll be very interested in the thoughts and ideas of others.
Doni I’m especially interested in how you’re implementing this with Tori. Devin challenges me so much already. I feel like a broken record saying DON’T STOP NO!! All day long. Lately our days are filled with too many battles and too many tears and its not fun for either of us.
I have been thinking along these lines how my parenting style doesn’t line up with how God “parents” me but I have not been able to move past the realization that they are very different- mine of course being wrong. But at the same time not being able to move past the thinking that without control and punishment there will be lawlessness and spoiled children that head towards dangerous life altering decisions (speaking of Carlin of course) and lessons that are never learned.
I need so very much help in this area.
Wow! I should hire you as a publicist! Great review. Thanks for taking the time and caring for other parents so much. Send me an address and I’ll send you a DVD set of LOKP. Peace!
Brenda – you will LOVE this book. He had a few ideas for toddlers – even though it is not a how to book. I think you will find, like me, a healing graciousness for my failures as a parent, healing from frustrations of my own childhood, a compassion for my parents trying without the proper tools or the proper understanding of a loving gracious Father, how I have the chance to make a difference today and from here forward, how the goal isn’t obedience but teaching my son about God’s incredible gift to us and living out how to love God back… additionally, don’t think this book is about lack of discipline – rather, he redefines it for us and that helps to change my motivation for how/why i discipline seth. i think having a deeper grasp and better definition for WHY i do it is going to help me to do it better.
I will definitely be reading this book. I wish that it was written when Hannah was little, but I know that it is not too late to read it now. In the last couple of years, I have been implementing some of these suggestions on my own and it definitely works. Hannah told me a few months ago that I yell a lot less than I used to. I was so happy to hear that! I think that it is so important to listen to our kids. I think that I have learned so much from my child. I can’t believe how insightful she really is. It has taken me a long time to learn that my way is not the only way, but I am trying and that is the main point. Thanks so much for pointing this book out.
Hello, everybody! Great book! thanks for the blog.
our God is the best Father!
I am currently about half finished this book and have listened to the DVDs twice. I’m finding that even though I feel like I understand hw to use Silk’s concepts, it’s much more difficult with my kids. I’m writing with a specific question about I handled a confrontation this morning. My 21 yr old has a suspended license and usually relies on his brother to drive him to work. This AM he woke up late and asked me to drive him since bro was not around. It would have been slightly out of my way to take him, and typically I would have helpe d him out. However, I told him that this was his problem, and sustained a huge backlash of verbal garbage. How do I keep from feeling mean for not helping him out? If I had overslept and needed a ride somewhere he would have helped me out.
I’m having another problem with my 19 y.o. son in the natural consequences arena. He had promised us that he would take care of some items at the house or loose the use of his car (he had 1 month to complete this). Keys were taken on fri, and my husband took him to work on sunday (my husband refused to charge him a taxi fee, since he already owes him $300.) Now its the work week and no one is around to drive him, so my husband gave him the keys just to use the car to get to work. Somehow I don’t think this is how the Loving our kids on purpose program is suppossed to work. I would chrish any advice you can give. Also I’m envious that your husband started reading the book the next morn. Mine is very skeptical.
I know this program should work with older kids, but since we are all used to the past punishment based parenting, I’ don’t know. I have to admit, I’;m pretty confused… Leslie
Leslie – first off I hesitate to even comment because as a mother of three children (8, 5, and 1), clearly I am not qualified to speak up on the topic of young adults yet. Jim and I have both had discussions about the book and we agree that we love the global concept of it but we may do things differently in the details. I also agree with you that that the daily exercising of it is tough. Some days I have wanted to throw the dang book out the window and scream to high heaven for those three monkeys to just get the heck in here NOW! 🙂 🙂
As for your 21 year old…I guess I would ask you this first? Is taking advantage of others a habit for him? Does he get into a fix and have the expectation that everyone else will rise to the occasion and rescue him? If that is the case, I think putting the suspended license monkey back on his back is a wise and discerning thing to do. The fact that you received a verbal backlash at all is an indicator to me that he likely is struggling to be accountable for his actions (though aren’t we all on some levels?). How do you keep from feeling mean? I guess I would ask another question. What was your motivation? To help your child who you have invested so much in learn to grow and mature and work out their choices and consequences in a real way that will (hopefully) inspire them to make more discerning choices in the future for the sake of their own spiritual, emotional and physical health? Or was the motivation a retaliation against the injustice of having to bare the consequence with him by being his taxi? (I think all parents would feel some of that). I ask this question because for me, I am able to toss out feelings of “being mean” when I know that my actions were motivated by love for my child and not aggravation. Does that answer help at all?
As for the 19 year old….the tough thing with older kids is that their consequences flat ARE your consequences. I know how that circle works – seen it many times. Kid doesn’t have use of car. Kid owes parents money. Kid can’t get to work. No work no ability to repay outstanding debt to parents. I hesitate to offer counsel here because I don’t have older kids and I don’t have to live with the consequences of my own words (yet). As for punishment Leslie…to be truthful…there isn’t a heck of a lot of “punishing” with a 19 year old anyhow. Unfortunately, when they start making poor choices in those older years, life’s natural consequences start kicking in and as you and I both know, those are the consequences that really pack a punch.
Another thing that Jim and I agree on is this….relationship is so important and more than anything else that is what I took away from the book. Learning to do MY part to foster respect and honor in our home. Realizing what I bring to the table and trying to make sure that what I am giving my family is loving, respectful, and healthy. I didn’t concentrate so much on how to create consequence (although I do favor giving choices)…I am learning to concentrate on how I deliver consequences. Making sure that even in discipline, I am being loving, kind and honoring to them (which isn’t always an easy thing to do and I am no expert!)
I am sorry you are having such a rough time. My dad has always said “you got little kids you got little problems you got big kids you got big problems”. I am just glad I am still on the little problem side of life and praying that God will really mature me before I have to up my game for big kids. I don’t know that I have been even the slightest bit helpful but I write this validating your struggle and wishing I knew all the right words for you. Father knows though and I believe He will be faithful to lead you as you continue walking with Him.