You knew I had to get some feet pictures.

I have often said that God prepares my heart in advance for things that are coming down the pike.?? I don’t know why He does this but I have seen Him do this in my life many times over.?? If you didn’t read my post yesterday (Ty in Wonderland), you will want to read that one first or this one won’t make sense.?? I posted it late in the day so you might have missed it.

On July second, just over a month ago, I ended a post like this:

“Tonight I watched Phoebe in Wonderland and it???s midnight and I still can???t stop crying.?? If you are a special needs parents you understand.?? If you aren???t???please pray for me.?? I don???t have the words to explain to you.”

Do you remember that??? At the time I had no conscious idea that Ty had Tourettes nor did I know that the heart of this movie was the story of a child (played by Elle Fanning) suffering from Tourettes (TS).?? All I knew was this – the movie impacted me deeply.?? I felt so much of it.?? Throughout the whole movie I kept having this sense of “been there – done that – get that”.???? When I realized it was about TS I thought it strange that I would relate so much.?? It then occurred to me that (a) the child also had OCD which Ty DOES have and (b) any story about a child with disabilities hits close to home regardless of the source.

In retrospect, I don’t believe it was chance that I chose that movie out of thousands on Netflix to watch.?? I think God was working in my heart and moving through grief stages even before I realized I was there.?? I had already been going through a mourning period that I wasn’t talking about much.?? Dealing with ADHD, OCD, SPD, repetitive behaviors, impulse disorder, and TS….it is a LOT to cope with for a family.?? It causes a lot of strain amongst all family members and feels more than a mom and dad and kiddos can take in a day sometimes.?? Have had lots of bad days and break downs because I have not known how to cope with a lot of things and that has made me feel like I am a failure as a parent.?? So many things Jim and I have trouble wrapping our minds around…so many things we can’t stop….so many things that simply can’t be “disciplined” and frankly shouldn’t be…so much noise…so much chaos…so much need……?? You end up with very tired, cranky, frustrated adults who are making their little ones tired too.???? Tanner has low coping skills days as well – that’s natural.

Jim and I were going through a time of coming at issues from different angles and both of us finding ourselves stuck on meltdown mode.?? That can make you pretty mad at one another some days as well.?? And when do you really have the time to talk about or even want to??? We weren’t making the time and I wasn’t wanting to.?? Instead I was finding myself more and more depressed and tired and emotional and the stress kicked my FMS and CFS back into high gear as well as my ulcers.

So on July 2nd, I have been going through these emotions for a few weeks and then I watch Phoebe in Wonderland and that just emotionally pushed me over the ledge.?? It turned out to be a good thing though.?? It prompted me to talk to Jim until about 2:00 AM that night and pour out everything on my heart.?? I can’t remember if I wrote about this or not but I am married to an incredible man.?? He didn’t have too much to say to my outpouring that night but I wasn’t concerned in the least because in almost 15 years of marriage I have learned that my honey is a doer and not a talker.?? He may not say much but he will do much.?? And he did.?? Things started to turn around then because Jim and I came together and agreed to be a united front.?? Agreed to do what we had to do to love our children better and meet their needs.?? Grow in patience and tolerance and spent more time interacting with them to help us understand them.?? So many good things came out of that night.

Our family is on a journey and understanding our journey a little better is helping us.?? Aunt Beck asked me why I sounded so “up” when I called to tell her the diagnosis was confirmed.?? I told her that I knew I was going to have more breakdowns and that this WAS going to be hard but somehow “knowing” and understanding and being validated just helps.?? Not only that but I realized that I am not new to parenting a child with TS and I do in fact know what to do because I have been doing it – I just didn’t realize it.?? It also helps to know that in all likelihood, many of the things that are related to tic behavior will likely come under control in adulthood and that gives me hope that I actually didn’t have before and that is a GOOD thing.

Now…the reason I am asking family to watch Phoebe in Wonderland is for the following reasons:

1)?? You get to see several perspectives of the story.?? Parents, child and others.

2)?? While Ty doesn’t have the same tics as Phoebe in the movie, he does have OCD issues and both oral and motor tics.?? I think it did a good job of demonstrating the larger picture even if the details in our case are different.

3)?? You get to watch the evolution of the story unfold.?? The confusion, the denial, the grief, the grief that is self centered in nature and the grief that is full of love for child.

4)?? There were two scenes that impacted me the most.?? One was when the dad was apologizing in agony for something he said to his daughter.?? While we haven’t had that specific scenario happen, I have cried and told my son I was sorry when I had gone over the ledge with my own failure to cope days.?? IT KILLS a parent to know that they may be making things worse for their child or hurting their child when they have days when they don’t have what it takes to do the right thing and say the right thing.?? That is my very worst fear actually.?? That my failure to handle Ty’s disabilities right will result in stealing my son’s joy.?? That my anger at the situation will make him angry…or sad…or hurt.?? I cried so hard I couldn’t breathe during that scene because I knew how that Dad felt.?? There is just nothing more agonizing than that.

The other scene was at the end of the movie.?? The mom had finally moved through her stages of grief and understood TS and what her daughter was facing.?? The mom took the daughter to a public event and very obvious tic behavior began.?? The result was a tearful scene between daughter and mother.?? This time though, ALL of mom’s tears were for daughter’s sake.?? Understanding what SHE was going through and being so so sorry for what Phoebe had to face.

Tomorrow I will tell you more about TS and how it impacts Ty…and how you can help us.